My wife cheated on me or was raped. Or both? Looking for advice. (self.self)
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Throwaway here. I just found out about this yesterday. We are in our late twenties. I'm still kind of in a state of shock. It occurred June 2013. We got married September 2012, but we were together for 7 or 8 years before that. Wall of text to follow.
The incident according to her: She went to the bar with a few friends in the evening, "the guy" was a friend of someone in their group who was already at said bar. She had been introduced to him before, so he was not a stranger to her but certainly no more than an acquaintance, a friend of a friend. When the night came to an end this guy asked her for a ride since his place was on the way home for her to which she obliged. She admits that she was not drunk but was probably over the legal limit i.e. buzzed. They pull up at his place and he makes a move, kissing her and putting his hand up her skirt. He invites her in, she goes in. He continues his advances once they are inside. As things are progressing and clothes come off she tells him she shouldn't do this, that she should go home. He doesn't respond and instead goes to other side of the room and gets a condom. She reiterates that she wants to leave and that she can't do this, he gets on top of her. Once it's over she says nothing aside from a quick goodbye. Has not seen or spoken to him since. Drove home and showered and went to bed. Says she felt dirty, guilty and ashamed. She states that she is afraid to see him.
I am, of course, very upset. The feeling of betrayal and loss of trust is the worst. She doesn't know if the incident qualifies as rape. She went into the house willingly, so she thinks it's her fault. I told her that going inside was not consent to sex, although it certainly suggests she was open to continuing whatever was going on in the car. I'm not so much angry as I am deeply saddened. It was a one time thing, it was not premeditated, she feels terrible about it, and alcohol was involved, none of those are excuses but it is a bit mitigating. It's not like she posted an ad on craigslist or something. There was one other incident like 5 years ago when she got really drunk at a party and made out with some dude. I forgave her then but told her it was not something I was prepared to tolerate again.
I don't know if this counts as her being raped or not. I certainly don't think she is innocent, only if she had pushed him off in the car could I grant her that. But she stated more than once that she didn't want to continue and wanted to leave. If she was raped, should I encourage her to go to the police? Should I demand it? Is there a statute of limitations on that sort of thing? What is that process like?
My gut reaction was find this asshole and hurt him, but I'm trying to be rational and not do anything stupid. The cheating is a whole other can of worms. Can I forgive her for this ultimate breech of trust? We just built a house and move in early September, we are (were?) on the brink of starting to try and get pregnant soon. Should I forsake everything we've worked towards? Can I ever trust her again?
Any advice on these matters would be much appreciated.
TL;DR: Dude makes a move on my wife in her car, once inside his place she changed her mind about sex, dude fucked her anyway.
113 comments submitted at 14:59:54 on Aug 18, 2014 by thebIamegame