My wife cheated on me or was raped. Or both? Looking for advice. (self.self)

self

37 ups - 0 downs = 37 votes

Throwaway here. I just found out about this yesterday. We are in our late twenties. I'm still kind of in a state of shock. It occurred June 2013. We got married September 2012, but we were together for 7 or 8 years before that. Wall of text to follow.

The incident according to her: She went to the bar with a few friends in the evening, "the guy" was a friend of someone in their group who was already at said bar. She had been introduced to him before, so he was not a stranger to her but certainly no more than an acquaintance, a friend of a friend. When the night came to an end this guy asked her for a ride since his place was on the way home for her to which she obliged. She admits that she was not drunk but was probably over the legal limit i.e. buzzed. They pull up at his place and he makes a move, kissing her and putting his hand up her skirt. He invites her in, she goes in. He continues his advances once they are inside. As things are progressing and clothes come off she tells him she shouldn't do this, that she should go home. He doesn't respond and instead goes to other side of the room and gets a condom. She reiterates that she wants to leave and that she can't do this, he gets on top of her. Once it's over she says nothing aside from a quick goodbye. Has not seen or spoken to him since. Drove home and showered and went to bed. Says she felt dirty, guilty and ashamed. She states that she is afraid to see him.

I am, of course, very upset. The feeling of betrayal and loss of trust is the worst. She doesn't know if the incident qualifies as rape. She went into the house willingly, so she thinks it's her fault. I told her that going inside was not consent to sex, although it certainly suggests she was open to continuing whatever was going on in the car. I'm not so much angry as I am deeply saddened. It was a one time thing, it was not premeditated, she feels terrible about it, and alcohol was involved, none of those are excuses but it is a bit mitigating. It's not like she posted an ad on craigslist or something. There was one other incident like 5 years ago when she got really drunk at a party and made out with some dude. I forgave her then but told her it was not something I was prepared to tolerate again.

I don't know if this counts as her being raped or not. I certainly don't think she is innocent, only if she had pushed him off in the car could I grant her that. But she stated more than once that she didn't want to continue and wanted to leave. If she was raped, should I encourage her to go to the police? Should I demand it? Is there a statute of limitations on that sort of thing? What is that process like?

My gut reaction was find this asshole and hurt him, but I'm trying to be rational and not do anything stupid. The cheating is a whole other can of worms. Can I forgive her for this ultimate breech of trust? We just built a house and move in early September, we are (were?) on the brink of starting to try and get pregnant soon. Should I forsake everything we've worked towards? Can I ever trust her again?

Any advice on these matters would be much appreciated.

 

TL;DR: Dude makes a move on my wife in her car, once inside his place she changed her mind about sex, dude fucked her anyway.

113 comments submitted at 14:59:54 on Aug 18, 2014 by thebIamegame

  • [-]
  • function13
  • 45 Points
  • 15:48:28, 18 August

Uhg. This is way complicated, homie. I know it's awful hard to be stoic in situations like these, but you need take a moment and try to be as rational as you can. Do you love her? Is this breach of trust enough for you to reconsider your feelings about her? I hope not.

Should she have gone into his house? Absolutely not, but we all make mistakes. It's whether or not she continues to make this mistake over and over. If you think she's done this more than once, then you need to start looking out for you. However, it does sound like she has a ton of guilt and probably doesn't want to lose you.

As far as the rape: It sounds like she didn't try to leave, so it'll be extremely hard for a prosecutor to prove any wrong doing beyond a reasonable doubt. It might be worth it to talk to an attorney, but I personally wouldn't go to the police first.

This whole situation is just awful. Best of luck. I hope you two can work through it.

EDIT: I urge you and your wife to seek counseling as soon as you can. Either one on one or couples therapy. Try a few different therapists until you find one you're comfortable speaking to.

  • [-]
  • such-a-mensch
  • 13 Points
  • 18:39:32, 18 August

Perhaps his wife needs some addictions counselling as well.

She really shouldn't be drinking if she's prone to making such poor decisions . Driving and entering another man's home after he made sexual advances towards her seem to be indicative of poor decision making.

  • [-]
  • function13
  • 2 Points
  • 18:44:57, 18 August

It should be brought up, especially in counseling.

I misread the post and thought OP has said that the other guy was "buzzed," not his wife. Hence driving him home.

  • [-]
  • virtualroofie
  • 20 Points
  • 19:05:35, 18 August

> Should she have gone into his house? Absolutely not, but we all make mistakes

This is not a fucking mistake. This is full-on intent to cheat - he'd already made the move, her response was to accept further interaction. If my wife did this, and said "We all make mistakes", I would fly through the roof.

  • [-]
  • function13
  • -1 Points
  • 19:11:07, 18 August

I personally don't believe intent automatically rules out it eventually being a mistake. She may have intent to cheat on her man, but that doesn't mean she doesn't feel it was a mistake afterward. OP still has a right to be angry.

  • [-]
  • virtualroofie
  • 4 Points
  • 19:12:58, 18 August

Saying yes was a mistake, not pushing his ass away as soon as he made a move was a mistake. I'm not saying it wasn't a mistake, I'm saying it's a poor fucking excuse. This is black and white the moment she accepted his invitation into the house. Additionally, she said no but got fucked anyhow? Were the doors bolted shut? Come on!

  • [-]
  • function13
  • 2 Points
  • 20:23:22, 18 August

I agree. Based on what OP said, it's hard to understand why she would have stayed. At the same time, you CANNOT demonstrate absolute knowledge of what was going on in her mind, during the situation, or what even actually happened. Maybe she wanted to cheat? Or maybe she felt threatened. You can't know, so OP needs to go with his feelings for his wife.

  • [-]
  • huntokarr
  • 1 Points
  • 19:54:11, 18 August

It's not difficult. She was raped. She was tempted but didn't give in to the temptation but he went ahead and had sex with her anyway after she repeatedly told him no. What part of that is difficult for you to understand? Rape is sexual penetration without consent. That is clearly what happened here.

  • [-]
  • Masher88
  • 5 Points
  • 20:10:52, 18 August

That's true, yes... BUT. The guy made a move in the car and she went inside his house afterwards? Did she really think he just wanted to have coffee or something? C'mon now. She knew what he wanted and was probably willing to go at first, but then had second thoughts.

Of course, her saying no should have been the end of it, and he did rape her, but why would she even go in his house at all and put herself in that position? She could have just dropped him off and went home.

  • [-]
  • miketheexpert
  • 0 Points
  • 20:18:01, 18 August

>>Should she have gone into his house? Absolutely not, but we all make >>mistakes.

That wasn't a mistake. It was fucking deliberate. She knew exactly wtf was up.

The first time they met, they flirted their asses off. The second time they met, they were NOT 'no more than an acquaintances'.

>>As far as the rape: It sounds like she didn't try to leave

Correct!!! Not only did she not leave, but she didn't push him away, not stop her panties from coming down, and not stop opening her legs for him, and not stop him from sliding his dick inside her. I mean, WTF... if she's going to decide to go inside with him, at what point do you turn around? At the point where he's an inch away from her pussy?

I'm guessing when she was saying 'stop', she probably said it in a quite voice, while looking dreamily into his eyes. She then left, felt guilty, and tried to push blame away from her by telling you bullshit.

Bitch cheated, but she's trying to come clean with you.... in an 'insulting your intelligence' kind of way. If she came clean the honest way, I'd have a LOT more respect for her...

You asked: Can I forgive her? Sure, but you need to tell her you feel like she's insulting your intelligence with this rape shit. I'm guessing that by her telling you this, she's telling you know, to give you a chance to split before ya'll decide to have kids together. What would I do in your shoes? I'd put off on having the kids... for a while... until I got a better idea of what I needed to do.

TLDR; Bitch went inside to fuck. She felt guilty about fucking, and is now insulting your intelligence.

EDIT: I'm sorry to be harsh, but... my ex- GF sucked a complete strangers dick in a hotel parking lot while I was looking for her. I didn't forgive her, because I was waiting for her to come clean with me, without telling me bullshit stories about why I couldn't find her ANYWHERE for 30 minutes (aka: insulting my intelligence).

  • [-]
  • function13
  • 2 Points
  • 20:26:19, 18 August

You have to be careful with these things. You weren't there, so all we can do is make a few assumptions about what really happened. Maybe she felt threatened by the guy and was afraid to leave. I agree with you to the extent that it seems unlikely, but you can't know for sure.

  • [-]
  • mililani
  • 7 Points
  • 19:18:56, 18 August

First, x-post this to r/relationships. I guarantee you people are going to say leave her now. She might have been raped. But, that's besides the point. She should have dropped his dumbass off the side of the road when he tried to put the moves on her. For her to lead him on all the way inside his house??? She's a fucking idiot and probably wanted something.

I don't know why you're staying with her. She obviously has issues with keeping attention away from her. A girl who doesn't want to cheat would have put a stop to this from the moment a hand landed on whatever body part of hers. Sorry to be brutally honest. But, I think your woman wanted this.

  • [-]
  • senopahx
  • 15 Points
  • 17:46:27, 18 August

She made a series of decisions to cheat on you. Changing her mind at the last minute (maybe) doesn't mitigate that. First and foremost, you need to decide if you can spend the rest of your life never fully being able to trust her ever again. Alcohol is absolutely no excuse; she fully knew what she was doing. I understand the emotional attachment but were I in your shoes, I'd be helping her pack her things.

As for the question of rape. It certainly meets the definition but will be almost impossible to prove. At the very least, you should encourage her to file a police report so that they have this on record the next time this guy tries something with someone else.

  • [-]
  • iama_XXL
  • 5 Points
  • 19:34:41, 18 August

>hey pull up at his place and he makes a move, kissing her and putting his hand up her skirt.

She didn't rebuff him.

>He invites her in, she goes in.

Simple enough. She knows what's about to go down.

>As things are progressing and clothes come off she tells him she shouldn't do this, that she should go home.

She's telling him no, but her body is telling him yes. In other words, her actions are speaking louder than her words. She's saying no, but is still getting undressed for him.

>He doesn't respond and instead goes to other side of the room and gets a condom.

At this point, she is free to leave. All she had to do was put her clothes back on and leave. He wasn't pinning her down or forcing himself on her.

>She reiterates that she wants to leave and that she can't do this, he gets on top of her.

Interesting. It doesn't say he forced or coerced her. So again, he actions are speaking louder than her words.

I would say she wasn't raped. Instead she had sex willingly with this guy and now feels bad about it. No, don't go to the police. It happened over a year ago. There is no evidence to support her claim and if she is lying, she can ruin his life.

>My gut reaction was find this asshole and hurt him, but I'm trying to be rational and not do anything stupid.

Good. Don't do anything stupid.

>The cheating is a whole other can of worms. Can I forgive her for this ultimate breech of trust?

Only you can answer that.

>Should I forsake everything we've worked towards? Can I ever trust her again?

You didn't forsake anything, she did when she slept with him. I can't speak for you, but I know I couldn't. It seems from what you said she has a bad time when it comes to cheating and alcohol.

  • [-]
  • Generic123
  • 6 Points
  • 17:49:43, 18 August

It may be rape, the situation is complicated.

She went inside when invited though and that is as good as cheating as far as I'm concerned. Think of it this way: if the sex hadn't happened, would you have been ok with her kissing and fooling around with a stranger? I know I wouldn't be.

  • [-]
  • thebIamegame
  • 4 Points
  • 18:03:55, 18 August

Right, she definitely cheated. Whether she was raped or not I cannot truly say at this point.

  • [-]
  • LockeSteerpike
  • 4 Points
  • 18:54:22, 18 August

If you believe that she said no, then it was rape.

  • [-]
  • yeahuhhuhsure
  • 22 Points
  • 16:19:40, 18 August

>She reiterates that she wants to leave and that she can't do this, he gets on top of her.

That's rape, plain and simple. If she didn't want to do it and he proceeded anyway, she was raped.

As far as your relationship goes, that's up to you. She trusted you enough to tell you about it, and she admitted that she consented to what happened in the car, but she DID NOT consent to sleeping with him.

  • [-]
  • Kel-Mitchell
  • 5 Points
  • 19:27:00, 18 August

Seriously. How is anyone even questioning whether that's rape?

  • [-]
  • such-a-mensch
  • 5 Points
  • 19:48:51, 18 August

I think people here are more questioning her ability to tell the truth than whether or not it was rape.

IF she actually said No then of course it's rape.... the trouble people seem to be having is believing that she'd accept his advance in the car, then willingly go up to his place and continue messing around THEN change her mind.

IS it possible? Sure it's possible.

Do I believe it? No chance.

  • [-]
  • miladmaaan
  • 1 Points
  • 19:40:11, 18 August

Apparently you missed the part where he was obviously coming onto her and yet she went inside his home. Sounds like the behavior of someone who's okay with what's happening. And the whole story sounds like it was told by someone who regret what happened the next day.

  • [-]
  • LockeSteerpike
  • 9 Points
  • 19:48:06, 18 August

You have the right to decide not to have sex at any point. I could be naked on your bed, condoms and lube all over, after having had a lengthy conversation about how much I want to have sex with you...

And if I say "stop, I've changed my mind," then sex is over. Past behavior doesn't matter--you don't have a right to fuck me.

If she told the guy she wanted to leave, and he still had sex with her, it was rape.

  • [-]
  • miladmaaan
  • 5 Points
  • 19:50:51, 18 August

Because if she DID consent, she would totally tell her husband that she did. Right?

This is something we will never know the answer to, and we can only assume based on the rest of the story that is presented. Not the facts presented, there are no facts here. Just a story. And from the story, I personally smell bullshit. And I think that OP would be a fool to believe the entire story. You and everyone else as well. People on here always forget that there's another side to every story and on this subreddit you'll almost always be given only one biased version. It's our job to read between the lines and give our opinions, if we just take everything at face value then what the fuck would we even be talking about here?

  • [-]
  • LockeSteerpike
  • 2 Points
  • 19:54:56, 18 August

If she DID consent, why would she have told in the first place? OP didn't catch her.

  • [-]
  • miladmaaan
  • 1 Points
  • 20:05:14, 18 August

Fuck if I know. Not much of what she does makes very much sense apparently. Maybe she felt guilty about the situation but realized if she didn't add the "but I didn't want to" at the end of the story she would have no chance at forgiveness. Which is true in most cases, at least when the person cheated on isn't a spineless cuckold.

  • [-]
  • LockeSteerpike
  • 0 Points
  • 20:12:32, 18 August

>Sounds like the behavior of someone who's okay with what's happening.

Come on, man, support your conclusions. You can't just switch to "fuck if I know" halfway through defending yourself.

  • [-]
  • miladmaaan
  • 1 Points
  • 20:16:52, 18 August

I didn't claim to know everything that she did or intended. I'm just saying that I don't believe her story because it sounds like bullshit. The reason you tell a bullshit story is to cover up your true intentions. At the minimum, her actions that put her in that position show that she's a person who can't be trusted as a partner. Her story deserves to be scrutinized.

  • [-]
  • LockeSteerpike
  • 1 Points
  • 20:21:23, 18 August

Ok, what makes you think it's bullshit?

Your first piece of evidence was that it "sounds like it was told by someone who regret what happened the next day".

Are you saying that she wouldn't be showing any signs of regret if she was telling the truth and had actually been raped?

  • [-]
  • LockeSteerpike
  • 1 Points
  • 20:02:09, 18 August

> It's our job to read between the lines and give our opinions

Wow, that's hilarious.

Nobody goes on Reddit for hivemind opinions. That's practically suicide. They go on Reddit for the one or two people with real advice who get upvoted to the top.

If we take everything at face value, all that's left is valuable, real advice. Encourage her to file a police report, and decide whether or not you want to pursue counseling or end the relationship. That's what OP needs to hear, not a bunch of un-informed people saying whether or not she's guilty.

  • [-]
  • mitchrodee
  • 0 Points
  • 20:03:09, 18 August

And thus she should go to the police. But why isn't she?

  • [-]
  • LockeSteerpike
  • 1 Points
  • 20:08:50, 18 August

There are a lot of reasons why women choose not to go to the police. It happens all the time. It's usually a combination of shame and fear that they wouldn't be believed.

You can find women telling their stories of why it played out like that all over the internet.

  • [-]
  • mitchrodee
  • -1 Points
  • 20:19:22, 18 August

Rape is a serious crime, and rapists are criminals. If she is accusing someone of raping her, she should do so formally.

  • [-]
  • LockeSteerpike
  • 1 Points
  • 20:25:04, 18 August

Uh... zero people disagree with what you just typed.

Do you think I disagree with that? Do you think any rape victims disagree? The subject is far more complicated than you are treating it.

There are countless first-hand accounts of women online talking through why they didn't report their rapist, what factors played into the decision, and why they regret it. It sounds like you could benefit from looking up a few of them.

  • [-]
  • Kel-Mitchell
  • 6 Points
  • 19:41:46, 18 August

Silly me. I focused on the part where she didn't consent.

  • [-]
  • mitchrodee
  • 1 Points
  • 20:04:33, 18 August

Which was after the moment when she did consent.

  • [-]
  • dimplepinched
  • -1 Points
  • 19:56:26, 18 August

No means no.

Yes, she might have cheated on OP when kissing him, and demonstrated complete intent to have sex by going in the house. But for whatever reason, she said no. Maybe she came to her senses about what she was doing, maybe she suddenly lost interest and wasn't feeling it anymore, or maybe she just decided she didn't want to have sex with this guy.

It does sound like she has regret, but I hear it as the kind of regret women internalize and (slut) shame themselves into thinking a sexual assault is their fault. She said no and that means no. It doesn't matter when she said it, she said no because she didn't want to have sex.

  • [-]
  • scalarjack
  • 6 Points
  • 18:09:40, 18 August

"My gut reaction was find this asshole and hurt him"

Sounds to me like she may have successfully diverted your anger from her to someone else. Leaving you feeling hurt but maybe not angry at her. If her description of events is true, that is rape, and it does sound plausible. However, her trauma does not obligate you to ignore her betrayal of your trust. It does not obligate you to stay with her. You have every right to ask her to find someone else to help her through it, maybe a friend or a therapist. I think you should leave whether she goes to the cops or not up to her, going to the cops is a trauma of its own and I don't think you should demand it. You can support her if she decides to file a police report, if you feel you need to move on you do not have to stay with her to provide that support as a friend.

"They pull up at his place and he makes a move, kissing her and putting his hand up her skirt. He invites her in, she goes in."..."There was one other incident like 5 years ago when she got really drunk at a party and made out with some dude. I forgave her then but told her it was not something I was prepared to tolerate again."

She betrayed you before, she betrayed you again, are you going to tolerate it again? You have every right and reason to move on if that is what you feel is needed for you. If you wish to stay with her I highly recommend some kind of counseling, together and separately.

  • [-]
  • thebIamegame
  • 4 Points
  • 18:29:03, 18 August

Her betrayal is not being ignored. I have gotten past the anger that was my first reaction. Whether she was raped or not the cheating is what is causing the majority of the problem. I don't know if I'm going to stay with her or not.

  • [-]
  • mililani
  • 4 Points
  • 19:21:28, 18 August

Are you fucking stupid??? Are you seriously contemplating staying with her???

If you stay with her, you deserve all the bullshit she's going to send your way.

  • [-]
  • scalarjack
  • 2 Points
  • 19:49:31, 18 August

It is natural to have doubts and uncertainty when you are about to undertake a decision that will radically alter your life, even when it is the right decision to make.

  • [-]
  • scalarjack
  • 2 Points
  • 19:48:27, 18 August

If a friend came up to you and said: "Hey man, I really love this girl but she's lied to me and cheated on me a couple times, should I invest the rest of my life into this relationship?", how would you answer? What would you advise to a friend who was in your situation?

Also, note that divorce is much cheaper and much simpler before there are children involved.

  • [-]
  • Legndarystig
  • 13 Points
  • 16:20:22, 18 August

Sounds like at first she was willing then said no? Hmmm this story doesn't add up. I believe she is lieing here.

  • [-]
  • yeahuhhuhsure
  • 21 Points
  • 16:25:44, 18 August

Sounds to me like she just changed her mind, which is very, very plausible.

  • [-]
  • thebIamegame
  • 4 Points
  • 17:12:32, 18 August

It could be either one of these. I'm just not sure. I'm considering contacting him to get his side of the story, as painful and uncomfortable as that might be.

  • [-]
  • Originate
  • 17 Points
  • 17:22:15, 18 August

That is a bad idea. Do you think he would admit to forcing himself on her? Of course not. Sometimes polling for answers is just the wrong thing to do. You either work it out with the wife or you don't. This is a scenario where you will never know what really happened. You either work it out with her and learn to trust her apart from this situation or not. Nothing else matters. You cannot force her to press charges and you should absolutely not seek revenge. Seeking revenge only puts you and your wife at risk of physical reprisal and/or charges against yourselves.

  • [-]
  • Legndarystig
  • 7 Points
  • 17:36:57, 18 August

Dont contact the guy I would talk to your wives friends that were at the bar for more info of how the night ended. This story has more to tell.

  • [-]
  • Imidazole0
  • 6 Points
  • 17:58:18, 18 August

Don't contact him. Don't bother. Nothing good can come of this.

  • [-]
  • DarkQuest
  • 13 Points
  • 17:26:36, 18 August

Do NOT do this. What's he gonna do, fess up to rape? Do you really want to tip off a rapist that one of his victims poses a risk to him?

  • [-]
  • LockeSteerpike
  • 3 Points
  • 18:56:00, 18 August

That's like calling up a jewel thief to politely ask if he stole a necklace.

You already know the answer you'll get from him.

  • [-]
  • mitchrodee
  • 1 Points
  • 20:08:08, 18 August

You really think he's going to be interested in admitting to raping your wife so as to let her get off the hook for cheating on you?!

  • [-]
  • such-a-mensch
  • 3 Points
  • 17:48:05, 18 August

If she changed her mind prior why not leave when he went to get the condom? Serious question. That seems like the best possible time to exit the situation....

If she changed her mind after she fucked the guy, do we even care what she thinks?

IF she changed her mind only after the truth was exposed, why are we even wasting our time on this scum?

  • [-]
  • smfinator
  • 3 Points
  • 18:54:52, 18 August

There are a number of reasons she could have stayed. - First of all, going to the "other side of the room" is not going to give her a huge window of time to react. - Maybe she didn't know why he was going to the other side of the room (did he explicitly say "I'm going to go get a condom now"?) and hoped he was giving her some space. - She probably thought that saying she didn't want to do it and should go home would be enough for him to back off. People generally don't expect to be sexually coerced or assaulted, and if she's drunk she's probably even less able to gauge the likelihood of him being a decent human being.

  • [-]
  • such-a-mensch
  • 2 Points
  • 19:16:43, 18 August

OK a few things with your comment which I assume if off the cuff and attempting to play devils advocate.

The other side of the room is plenty of time and space to get off the couch and head toward the door. This was apparently after she made the comment about going home so she'd only be reinforcing it by standing next to the door would she not? She didn't do that though, she seemingly sat there waiting for him to return. She apparently made a quick exit right after performing the deed, why not exit when you see someone walking towards you with a condom? I'm just not buying a coercion argument here and the wife isn't even saying she was coerced, she's saying she went along.... There's a difference between those two I'm sure you'd agree.

I understand where you're coming from about her expecting him to get her drift when she said she shouldn't be doing this or she should go home so why did she just repeat that once he returned with the condom? It's pretty obvious what he's thinking at that point and he obviously didn't catch her drift (if she even floated one) so why wouldn't she use a word like.... NO? Or something else to get the point across? Is that because she was under such duress that she was unable to process her situation? I'd say she didn't because she was so overcome with lust that she threw her marriage away in the heat of the moment.

She claims to have not been drunk so her ability to gauge his demeanour and actions were intact. Unless she's just a shitty judge of character which could be the case. I understand our first instinct is to string up the accused in town square but this story reeks of such bullshit, I'm thinking it's the wife that needs to be tarred & feathered here.

  • [-]
  • Legndarystig
  • -8 Points
  • 16:32:15, 18 August

If she changed her mind where was the fight after saying no? Saying no and then allowing it to happen doesn't add up. Something is missing here.

  • [-]
  • DarkQuest
  • 8 Points
  • 17:24:02, 18 August

I'm guessing you've never been sexually coerced by somebody else, nor can you envision a situation where it might happen to you. Sit down.

  • [-]
  • Legndarystig
  • -4 Points
  • 17:33:57, 18 August

No but I no damn well know in situations like this most women fight when they say no. In this story she says,"no" the other guy nonchalantly gets condom puts on condom than they have sex. Makes sense to you? Sure doesn't to me.

  • [-]
  • such-a-mensch
  • 7 Points
  • 18:42:58, 18 August

Oh c'mon!

She says " NO! I don't want to continue sexual relations with you

He says "ladee da da, I can't hear you, I'm just going to go over here and leave you unattended while I get a condom"

She thinks to herself " He must not have heard me, I'll just wait here for him to come back"

That's how all people under duress react isn't it?

I may be making light of a very serious situation here, rape isn't something to be joked about but I don't think this woman felt like she was raped until she admitted cheating on her husband to him.

  • [-]
  • DarkQuest
  • 1 Points
  • 17:36:57, 18 August

How the fuck would you have direct personal experience of that?

  • [-]
  • Legndarystig
  • -1 Points
  • 17:50:55, 18 August

I know by studying rape and actions of rape in my criminal studies class. Many women fight. Theres actually evidence of a fight to. In the story the op says she was buzzing, coherently enough to drive. So she knew what was going around her to make her judgment. Please keep it civil or I will ignore you.

  • [-]
  • DarkQuest
  • 5 Points
  • 18:07:29, 18 August

There's a very likely statistical bias there - women raped violently are more likely to understand it as rape and go to the police. Where there's clear physical evidence, women are more likely to go to the police.

That doesn't mean it's the only rape that happens. And, in your own words, it's not even the case then that every victim your criminal justice professor sees has fought back.

Read what actual women have to say. Plenty folks have blogged on the topic. Some people freeze up. Some fear violence and judge themselves safer if they get it over with.

Absence of a fight is not absence of rape. Absence of a criminal case, or even a broken law, is not absence of rape. You would do well to remember this, if you are entering this field. What is punishable or provable is not the same thing as what is immoral and what may have left deep psychological scars on the victim.

  • [-]
  • LockeSteerpike
  • 2 Points
  • 18:58:57, 18 August

Many women fight, this is true.

Not all.

"Most" is a very weak word, considering the conclusions you're trying to draw.

  • [-]
  • LockeSteerpike
  • 2 Points
  • 19:50:51, 18 August

People change their minds about sex all the time. Particularly if they're doing something they feel guilty about. This story adds up just fine.

  • [-]
  • such-a-mensch
  • 9 Points
  • 17:45:42, 18 August

She wasn't raped here pal, If she weren't interested in pursuing sexual relations with the guy then please explain to me why she entered his home?

If someone put their hands on me in the car, and I didn't want it to continue I would not enter their home afterwards, I would exit the situation immediately. The FACT that she did go up with him after PROVES to you that she was intent on continuing the sexual act with this guy.

If she actually wanted to leave once they were up there, why not when he went across the room to get the condom?

If she was sober enough to drive, she was sober enough to make a better decision than to cheat on you with some random guy she'd only met a couple of times.

If she goes to the police with this, it's going to ruin this other guys life. Once your anger subsides I think you'll realize that reacting to your wifes lies and getting this guy tossed in jail is exactly her plan to avoid you pointing your anger at her.... I mean, there's a rapist jail because of what he did! How could your wife have done anything wrong?

Except she's lying to you. Don't fall for it. Use your brain to think this one through and contact a divorce attorney first. Try to get her admitting her adultery on a recording if you can too.

  • [-]
  • thebIamegame
  • 6 Points
  • 18:06:45, 18 August

She definitely cheated, that much I have accepted. I don't really believe her story at this point.

  • [-]
  • Circ-Le-Jerk
  • 5 Points
  • 18:54:34, 18 August

It's like sales... Sure she "objected" to it, because she has a conscious and knows it's cheating. So she has to at least so no a few times and let HIM sell her on the idea.

She could have gotten up and left at any time, but she sat there on his bed just saying, "I don't think we should do this. It's not right." Then just sits there letting continue to pitch her.

And obviously she's not going to admit that she wanted it. Obviously. She's going to come up with a story that makes her sound like a victim as to defer the fact that she cheated on her husband.

Sorry to hear, man.

  • [-]
  • such-a-mensch
  • 1 Points
  • 18:17:40, 18 August

At least you're not getting cuckolded man. Contact a divorce attorney whether you think you're taking that route or not. If she thinks you're considering it she'll lawyer up in an instant and if she's going to lie about being raped she'll lie about anything. Protect yourself.

Make some financial arrangements to cover your next few months as well if you're in a position to do that. Last think you need is to find out your money is misplaced along with your trust....

  • [-]
  • LockeSteerpike
  • -1 Points
  • 18:51:36, 18 August

Don't listen to this guy. There's no way he's this confident of his conclusion with the details you gave without relying on some serious biases.

Your girlfriend was cheating on you, yes. That's shitty, and it means bad things for your relationship.

However, PLEASE don't be the guy who treats her like she deserved to get raped because of how much she hurt you.

However much pain you're feeling, she's got the guilt of that and the trauma of rape to deal with.

  • [-]
  • Circ-Le-Jerk
  • 5 Points
  • 18:55:51, 18 August

Is it possible that she's not actually the victim, but a cheating wife trying to figure whatever lie she can to defer blame from her infidelity? I've seen these situations countless times where a chick claims she was drugged or raped once people find out that she hooked up with some guy, or got caught cheating. It's like fucking clock work. In this case, it's up to HER to prove she was raped, or at least make the story sound plausible.

At the moment, it sounds like she knew what she was doing from the start. And until she can come up with a more realistic story, I'm not buying her "rape" defense. It sounds like she's not a victim, she's just trying to be a victim.

  • [-]
  • LockeSteerpike
  • 0 Points
  • 19:08:02, 18 August

> I've seen these situations countless times

Sounds like you've got a whole slew of anecdotal evidence.

And a tendency to assume guilt and put the burden of proof on the victim. You would be a terrible lawyer.

  • [-]
  • Circ-Le-Jerk
  • 1 Points
  • 19:18:20, 18 August

This woman wants to claim she was RAPED! I'm just playing Occam's Razor here. I'm not going to instantly believe something everybody tells me. I'm going to believe what I think is most likely based on the evidence.

Do you really think it's likely that she got raped rather than willfully chose to have sex with this guy, got caught/felt guilty, and is now trying to make up a lie to keep her marriage?

And what is this anecdotal evidence BS? There aren't scientific studies on this shit, just life experiences. I'm sorry, but I just have to live life and form my expectations based on my experiences. In my experience, I've seen many girls try to make up all sorts of lies when they're put under fire for these sort of issues. It's a very common tactic for women to try to play victim, because playing defenseless victim is a tactic society has taught women to use. Ever since childhood they are raised essentially without agency, so when they grow up, they learn to just plea to men's desire to "protect" women, to get what they want.

Got caught cheating? I was raped, or black out drunk! Not my fault!
People found out you fucked a loser? He took advantage of me! Help!
Caught shop lifting? I'm sorry... I'm just so poor and my parents beat me. I needed this for school!
Need money to pay bills? Make up a story about how her ex, who she cheated on, is kicking her out and she has no where to go, and really needs some money to get by. Then let the hoards of men who want to fuck her throw money at her.

Shit's like clockwork. The more attractive the girl, the more common this strategy is, because people want to sympathize and befriend attractive women. Guys will let hot women get away with just about anything, which is why they do it: because they can.

I'm not saying real rape doesn't happen, it certainly does. But OP's story sounds a whole lot like a typical false victim defense.

  • [-]
  • LockeSteerpike
  • 1 Points
  • 19:33:04, 18 August

>I'm going to believe what I think is most likely based on the evidence.

No you're not. You're believing what you think is most likely based on all the stories you've listened to about bad girlfriends. That's why you feel comfortable drawing conclusions about her guilt or innocence off of a single second-hand account of the events.

>And what is this anecdotal evidence BS? There aren't scientific studies on this shit, just life experiences.

Are you trying to claim that there are no studies on rape, rape statistics, false rape accusations, or infidelity? Seriously?

>But OP's story sounds a whole lot like a typical false victim defense.

You've already made it clear that you've done zero serious research into this topic. You wouldn't know what a typical false victim defense sounds like.

  • [-]
  • reeses4brkfst
  • 4 Points
  • 18:45:22, 18 August

It sounds like she wanted to do it. She was telling him she shouldn't be doing this but never actually tried to leave. No sense in ruining this guys life because your wife ruined yours, as unpopular an oppinion this may sound.

  • [-]
  • Goodolgator
  • 12 Points
  • 16:07:38, 18 August

Nope. She's lying.

  • [-]
  • orbitur
  • 2 Points
  • 19:54:01, 18 August

She may have been raped, if her story to you is 100% true.

But rape or not, she still cheated that night, and she's cheated before. There's a history. You need to let her go.

  • [-]
  • TheReverendZ
  • 3 Points
  • 19:58:09, 18 August

Your wife cheated. She's using the "changed her mind" tactic in order to absolve herself of guilt.

Edit. OP, I had something similar happen. If you want to PM me, we can chat.

  • [-]
  • Zzzaxx
  • 7 Points
  • 15:58:20, 18 August

As described above, it would very likely constitute rape, depending on your juris. It would, however, given her intoxication and actions before, during, and after the encounter, be incredibly difficult to prove.

  • [-]
  • such-a-mensch
  • -8 Points
  • 17:51:55, 18 August

What about it would constitute rape other than a woman saying so?

By her own admission she drove him home, let him feel her up, willingly entered his place without being coerced, didn't leave when the opportunity presented itself when he was off getting a condom, engaged in intercourse then went home and washed away any chance of a rape kit being collected...

Seriously, where does that sound like rape? That sounds like the end to a nice evening out in the company of a lady that's willing and able to engage in sexual relations.

  • [-]
  • aunipine
  • 14 Points
  • 17:58:32, 18 August

The part where she says "No."

If someone says "No" and you have sex with them anyway, it's rape.

  • [-]
  • such-a-mensch
  • 0 Points
  • 18:14:53, 18 August

I flat out don't believe she said no.

IF she were going to say "No" during this situation, she would have said it when he invited her up to his place.

As her husband so eloquently puts it

> going inside was not consent to sex, although it certainly suggests she was open to continuing whatever was going on in the car.

Which she wasn't objecting to was she?

Also she claims to have said

> " She shouldn't do this"

How much do you want to bet there was a giggle after that or a playful kiss? I'd probably bet my house and my car! Even without the giggle or kiss, that's a whole lot different than saying no would you agree? I think it's safe to say we've all had some sexual relations that were heightened by the naughtiness of them, that's just how this reads to me....

Rape is a very serious issue. It's women like this with claims like these (should it proceed to filing charges that is) that demean the plight of men and women who are struggling with the realities of sexual assault on a daily basis.

  • [-]
  • LockeSteerpike
  • 6 Points
  • 18:46:50, 18 August

You have the right to end sex at any point, and have that decision respected. The moment she said "no" was when it became non-consensual sex.

There is no combination of flirting, groping, kissing, or any kind of behavior that overrides someone's decision to not have sex.

  • [-]
  • such-a-mensch
  • 4 Points
  • 18:51:35, 18 August

No means No absolutely. The thing is, you've got to say it for people to hear.

According to hubby's account she never said No, she said " we shouldn't be doing this".... which is the same phrase my GF said to me as we had sex on the kitchen table yesterday. Sounds more like the wife was being naughty than she wanted anything to stop.

  • [-]
  • LockeSteerpike
  • 2 Points
  • 19:13:38, 18 August

Your conclusions left the available facts behind a while ago.

  1. We're assuming she said no twice, and the guy didn't hear her? You're claiming she knew she wasn't heard, felt the need to re-iterate what she's saying, but still wasn't doing enough to get his attention?
  2. We're assuming that "we shouldn't be doing this" was heard, and then mis-understood as a sexy come-on? What's your story for "I want to leave?" Does your girlfriend also say that during sex?
  • [-]
  • such-a-mensch
  • 1 Points
  • 19:21:43, 18 August

I'm working on a different assumption than you are it would appear... I'm assuming everything this woman said is a lie. Even her lies don't add up the way I'm reading them though.

Go re-read the story as presented... she claims to have said she wants to leave prior to him getting on top of her. She was sober enough to drive and in possession of her keys, why didn't she leave then?

The times my GF has said she wanted to leave during sex have been awkward I'll admit. We're working on that and I've taken to hiding the keys to the furry cuffs.

  • [-]
  • LockeSteerpike
  • 1 Points
  • 19:28:13, 18 August

>I'm working on a different assumption than you are it would appear... I'm assuming everything this woman said is a lie. Even her lies don't add up the way I'm reading them though.

Why are you working off of any assumptions? Talking confidently about your assumptions is the only way to say something genuinely stupid.

What do you think the primary difference is between a rabid SJW and a rational feminist scholar?

  • [-]
  • such-a-mensch
  • 1 Points
  • 19:35:40, 18 August

Assumption is a poor choice of words, used in response to your choice of wording. I apologize. I'm working only with the information provided by one party in this situation.

I wasn't assuming she wasn't heard, my comment was based on the fact she repeated herself after the original statement didn't garner the result she claims to have desired. At least that's what she reported to her husband which again, I'll say I wouldn't be trusting of her statement.

  • [-]
  • LockeSteerpike
  • 1 Points
  • 19:36:34, 18 August

The information provided was not that she's lying. That was your addition. So I disagree that "assumption" was a poor choice of wording.

  • [-]
  • Zzzaxx
  • 5 Points
  • 19:02:22, 18 August

First, I feel that your reply is quite hostile, indicating to me that you may not be open to having a courteous discussion about the subject matter. If that's the case, please don't bother reading the rest of this.

Rape is defined legally, in the US, in most jurisdictions, as a sexual act involving some sort of penetration without the consent of one of the parties. Consent is the key to my defining this act, described above, as rape.

Consent is defined as the permission or agreement from a legally responsible individual, of appropriate age and mental cognitive function. This means that a child , a mentally handicapped individual or a severely inebriated person cannot legally consent to any sexual act.

Consent was possibly given at some point in the night. It is possible that since she was sober enough to drive that she was sober enough to give consent. There is probably not much that can be used to prove/disprove this assumption.

According to OP, she claimed to, at the time the man walked across the room to get a condom, change her mind and conveyed that she no longer wanted to go through with her transgression.

As soon as she stated that she no longer wished to have sex with the man, she revoked her consent to sexual intercourse. Unless there is more to the story, according to legal definitions and precedent, she no longer consented to the act that followed. Since rape is defined as sex without consent, the act performed and described by OP would very likely, in most jurisdictions, be considered rape.

I suspect from your tone that you believe this to be an unjustified accusation against the gentlman friend in question. I believe you have brought up a very valid point in that the night sounds, from the sequence of events described sounds like she was a consenting adult and had plenty of opportunities to avoid or escape the events that followed. In reality, as stated above, it would be very difficult to prove rape as it is just her word against his. It may be possible that she was too intoxicated to give consent in the first place. You would need at least video/eyewitness evidence of this. I don't disagree that it sounds like she was consenting the entire time could have fabricated the part about revoking consent, not realizing the implications.

I was just providing an unbiased summation of the laws regarding rape and consent, not meant to inflame any partisan views on what the laws should be or how they should be interpreted. I have my own opinions of the legal definitions surrounding rape and consent and especially accusations made in a state of regret the morning after, but there are far deeper forces at work when you introduce alcohol, sex, pleasure, pain, regret, anger, and power dynamics to a situation

  • [-]
  • DasEwigeLicht
  • 8 Points
  • 16:22:10, 18 August

Trickle truth. Look it up.

  • [-]
  • gg_h4x_
  • 6 Points
  • 18:45:14, 18 August

first google result is a reddit user explaining it ._.

  • [-]
  • LockeSteerpike
  • 4 Points
  • 18:44:12, 18 August

This reads nothing like a trickle truth story. OP learned about it all at once.

  • [-]
  • commanderspoonface
  • 7 Points
  • 16:12:15, 18 August

What this means for your relationship may vary, but that is 100% rape.

  • [-]
  • somedude456
  • 2 Points
  • 19:33:41, 18 August

I'm not one to argue the legal definition of rape, but I consider this more cheating than rape. She wasn't held at knife point. She wasn't pulled off the street while screaming. She made a multitude of horrible decisions then "says" she suggested she shouldn't. Sorry, but biting his dick, throwing a lamp through the window, or kicking him in the face are true "NO'S!" A slightly suggestion of, "I probably shouldn't do this" does not send a clear message to a drunk and ready to go guy.

  • [-]
  • Fearitzself
  • 3 Points
  • 17:31:05, 18 August

My ex and myself had a similar situation. It happened a couple times and i felt like i couldn't trust her. We ended up breaking up because she was upset i didn't feel like i could trust her anymore.

Seeking counseling i think is the best advice here.

  • [-]
  • MargaretCharles
  • 1 Points
  • 19:54:51, 18 August

To be quite blunt, you're never going to know the truth. You're going to question everything she says, and asking the dude himself won't get you anywhere since his credibility is seriously in question here.

I think you shift your question from, "Is my wife telling the truth about what happened?" and focus on the facts that you do know and where you think you're relationship will go from here. She admitted to cheating on you, the full extend of which is unknown. She has a history of doing this in the past. Do you think it's something you can get over? Do you trust your wife? Or do you think this is irreversibly changed the state of your relationship for the worst so that it's not longer a healthy one for you to be in.

One thing you omitted that I think will make a big difference is why she told you about this after the fact. Was she feeling bad about it and decided to finally come clean? If so, I think that works in her favor. Did circumstances force her to confess? That would definitely make me question whether or not she was telling the truth.

  • [-]
  • xxMrAnarchyxx
  • 0 Points
  • 20:39:41, 18 August

Definitely not rape. She went inside willingly with the intention of continuing what he had started in the car, and it doesn't sound like she made an effort to leave.

You need to figure out if you really want to spend the rest of your life with her, specially before she gets pregnant. Trust me, this will always be in the back of your mind, it won't be easily forgotten.

  • [-]
  • EKcore
  • 0 Points
  • 20:43:07, 18 August

I can't believe the responses you're getting.

She willingly went into his house after he finger banged your wife in the car, NO GUY WOULD DO THIS IF IT WASN'T OBVIOUS THAT SHE WANTED THE DICK.

Then she says she's not Okay with fucking?

She felt remorseful and decided to tell you and to play the rape card. She didn't immediately go to cops?

Lawyer up.

  • [-]
  • e13e7
  • 2 Points
  • 15:11:53, 18 August

If what she's saying is true, I wouldn't want someone who does that sort of thing to not meet justice.

  • [-]
  • DarkQuest
  • 0 Points
  • 17:20:26, 18 August

She was coerced into a sexual act, so yes, this is rape.

Remember that rape is about power, and not sex. It doesn't matter if this was legally rape. That's not the problem here. The problem is that she was violated. A man decided to take what he wanted from her, and proved to her that she doesn't have control over what happens to her body and that her choices and wishes can be overridden.

On top of that trauma, she now knows that most people will not react with compassion. Instead, they'll blame her. They'll treat her intoxication, or her initial sexual interest, as somehow inviting this violation. They'd prefer to feel safe by pretending that bad things don't happen to good people. Victim-blaming is rampant in our culture, as though how we behave somehow contributes to someone's decision to violate us. She will have internalised this, just like the rest of us, along with the inaccurate model of rapists being violent strangers. This makes it extremely difficult for her to characterise what happens to her as being rape, even as she deals with the emotional fallout from it.

Police embody these attitudes as much as anyone else. She knows and understands what she is likely to go through if she goes to them. As she's recovering from a violence that is primarily to do with her being unable to control her life or her body, please do not pressure her to do things she does not want to do or feel safe doing in the name of helping her. Especially do not do this by placing her in a system that will, by its nature, continue to coerce her in various ways, and at best will force her to confront her attacker and re-live the experience in front of a room of strangers before he can be brought to account - and that is a very unlikely outcome due to the victim-blaming she will go through.

What she needs is a safe space to process what has happened. I'm sorry, but this is not you. You have a lot of feelings about what has happened to her, and about your relationship with her, and those are too intertwined for her to properly talk through everything. She will probably be ready to talk through things with you eventually and you should be ready to meet her with compassion and understanding. And you can certainly deal with this in ways that are healing for her. But she has to process this elsewhere. Don't push her to do this, because she might not be ready. But, make sure she feels safe to do so when she is.

As for cheating - well, you need support too. Your feelings of hurt and confusion are valid and you need a space to process them too. And someone you love has been hurt deeply, and you also need space to process that too, and while that might involve talking to her the processing you do has to be elsewhere too. Go talk it through with a therapist.

  • [-]
  • EKcore
  • 1 Points
  • 20:47:29, 18 August

She is a adult capable of making her own decisions, She can vote and drink so sounds like an adult to me.

You think women are so inept that they cannot be held accountable for their own actions?

  • [-]
  • kawarazu
  • 0 Points
  • 15:56:13, 18 August

/r/relationships for what you should do about your relationship. But you should call the cops, either way.

  • [-]
  • DarkQuest
  • 1 Points
  • 17:30:53, 18 August

No. Cops are not safe.

Also - rape is about power: she's been violated and disempowered. What she needs is healing. The last thing she needs is the person she's supposed to be able to trust the most making decisions about what happens to her without her consent. Especially if that decision is to involve an organisation which will then coerce her further by demanding statements or hauling her through a process she's not ready for, will not feel safe within and which will almost certainly not benefit her whatsoever.

You should think very carefully before calling cops ever, but you should especially never call the cops on behalf of somebody else who has the capacity to make that choice, and extra especially when the consequences of the cops being involved for them could be traumatic.

  • [-]
  • kawarazu
  • 1 Points
  • 17:56:00, 18 August

You're arguing from a humanist perspective, that I should be incredibly worried for his wife, and that the cops will demand all sorts of things so they can do their job. However, I would be more considerate about other people, specifically other people who could be interacting with this man.

I'd be worried about him getting away, cops scrutinizing the reasons why they weren't informed faster, and any number of things. I'd be worried about the next time she sees him, because if what she says is true, it is rape.

You don't like cops? That's cool. But there's no other way to legally get justice. You want to live and let live? You want to let someone who rapes someone go? Man, that's your prerogative, I'm sticking with calling the cops.

Either that, or breaking the other guy's kneecaps. Whatever. I'd start with the legal choice.

  • [-]
  • DarkQuest
  • 1 Points
  • 18:14:06, 18 August

No. This is about her and her rape. She gets to make the decisions about how she responds to it, and what she feels safe and comfortable and able to deal with. Maybe she needs justice, but maybe healing and feeling safe is more important.

Do not place this all on her, in her moment of acute trauma.

I hope this guy is brought to justice. I hope she can help to do that. But more than that, I hope that the men around him who listen to how he talks about women realise there's something dangerous about him. I hope they call him out on his shit. I hope they look out for the women around him. Because guys like this don't exist in a vacuum: they need social cover to operate. And they get it: they get it from police, from their friends, from strangers who will blame the victim. Don't put it all on her and leave her to deal with the consequences.

  • [-]
  • kawarazu
  • 1 Points
  • 18:32:20, 18 August

Like I said, you're from a personal, humanist perspective. I'm driven by a mild level of hatred, and socially-responsible perspective. Yeah, on the level of empathy I do care about the victim. However, I think it'd be ducking ridiculous to not follow a legal course of action to punish.

Can you offer our OP a legal recourse for getting her counseling and healing while still offering a way to punish the rapist? Because I can't, think of a good one, and I'd at least be able to punish the bastard without the cops looking at the victim like she's at fault for waiting for so long.

  • [-]
  • GeorgeOlduvai
  • 0 Points
  • 18:26:10, 18 August

>She gets to make the decisions about how she responds to it, and what she feels safe and comfortable and able to deal with. Maybe she needs justice, but maybe healing and feeling safe is more important.

and then...

>Do not place this all on her, in her moment of acute trauma.

Make up your mind.

  • [-]
  • JediToad
  • 1 Points
  • 19:27:40, 18 August

Your wife cheated on you, AND was raped.

She cheated on you the moment she kissed him, the moment she allowed his hand up her skirt, and the moment she accepted his invite to go inside. It's not "my wife cheated on me or was raped", it's "my wife cheated on me AND was raped".

  • [-]
  • sevensufjans
  • 1 Points
  • 20:33:30, 18 August

This is rape. Even if she went in with him (which is not acceptable anyway), she still didn't consent to sex and openly told him no.

  • [-]
  • Imidazole0
  • -3 Points
  • 17:57:32, 18 August

So after making sexual advances towards her, she agrees to go into his place. Therefore she knew what she was getting into. If the story played out like you were told, then it sounds like rape, but she isn't innocent ether.

Why would she go into his house?

  • [-]
  • Circ-Le-Jerk
  • 1 Points
  • 18:59:22, 18 August

It doesn't sound like rape at all. You've never been with a girl that clearly comes up to your room for another drink and starts flirting with you, then you make a move and she says, "No, we can't do this... It's not right." Then you pull her in and kiss her neck and she says, "Seriously, we need to stop. We can't have sex." Then you look at her and smile, she smiles back, then you kiss her while slowly taking off her clothes. Then 10 minutes later she's going absolutely wild in the sack?

Women say "no" in that context all the time. They either don't want to look "easy" and want the guy to sell her on it, or they don't want to look like a cheater. The type of no she explained wasn't a real no, it was more like "Yes, I want it, but I can't admit it or else I'll be admitting I want to cheat on my husband."

This isn't a case where the guy helps her with something, then she repays the favor by coming over to help him with something, then he think, "Uggg ooohh... Girl owe me sex. Give me sex now!" No way. They kissed and he felt her up in the car. Then she AGREED to go up stairs. She damn well knows what that means. She's not an idiot. She wanted to have sex, that's why she went up. Then when she got there, it's not like she genuinely was like, "OMG, this is a huge mistake, I can't go through with this. I must leave. Get away from me." Then he proceeds to phyically intimidate her until she lets him have his way with her. No, this was more like "I really want to fuck you, but I know what I'm doing is wrong. I shouldn't do this... Uggg... I don't know what to do." Then she thinks, "Okay, he's so hot, let's do this and never tell anyone."

  • [-]
  • Imidazole0
  • 2 Points
  • 20:36:23, 18 August

It is always rape if she says "no" prior to the act.

  • [-]
  • Tomasfoolery
  • -1 Points
  • 18:21:41, 18 August

Where I worked, investigating sexual assault was (comparatively) easy - as soon as alcohol was involved, neither party were deemed capable of giving consent. So alcohol meant rape happened. Then we had to find out who the aggressor was. THAT was the hard part.

With that said, if she was buzzed driving (also considered "being intoxicated" where I worked), even going INTO his place was not an informed or capable decision.

So, if I was the investigator assigned the case, we'd look at it that way first, then look for physical evidence (hard to do a year later), and then do interviews. Unless the guy admits to a sexual encounter, there's nothing there legally. At least, where I worked. However, if he insists it was consensual and that she appeared sober, then we'd hit a wall. We'd have to interview other witnesses that saw your wife leave with him, etc. etc. Usually witness interviews cloudy the waters, because they can add variables, such as witnessing flirting by both parties, or similar things.

As to the aspects of what it means in your relationship, you got problems, man. Get to a professional to help you two figure shit out, because trust and then rape on top of it can seriously mess up your wife. This incident was not her fault - from the perspective I described above. However, something is rotten in your marriage, brother, in my opinion. Get help to save it and/or your (and her) sanity.

  • [-]
  • n1nj4_v5_p1r4t3
  • -2 Points
  • 18:10:09, 18 August

If she files for rape she is probably telling you the truth. It does not matter if he gets convicted or not, its if she is willing to go through with pressing charges. If she says its not worth pressing charges, she is probably going to do it again. Im sorry for your difficult times, remember to drink water, and walking/running can help.

  • [-]
  • smfinator
  • 3 Points
  • 19:03:15, 18 August

Pressing charges makes no sense as a litmus test because there are so many other factors involved (and little certainty of a conviction for all the energy expended). Plus, she probably knows that doing so would be opening herself up to having her name and character dragged through the mud. Why would she willingly go through that trauma if the odds of conviction are so bad at this point?