How would you feel if your girlfriend went on a vacation with her ex-boyfriend or lover? (self.AskMen)

AskMen

283 ups - 0 downs = 283 votes

Mine is. And it's causing a little bit of conflict between us, just quietly. I appreciate some opinions from other people, to see if I'm being reasonable or not. Backstory - she's going away with a group of a dozen of our friends, to a ten-day long New Year's party/music festival. (I can't go, for the usual reasons - $$$, time off work, etc etc). Then her and this guy mentioned in the post title are going on after that for some adventure travelling/backpacking to some really awesome countries/places.

Her and him were fuck buddies of some kind, maybe a year or two back. (My g/f and I got together last New Year's. It's a fairly serious and committed relationship). Since my g/f and I met, I've since met the dude in question- he's a good guy. I've got no problem there.

It just seems very unusual to me (to the point of being inappropriate), to be doing that together.

Coupled with that, is my g/f's surprise that I am not "happy for her" to be going on such an awesome trip.

I haven't thrown any tantrum , or delivered any "IT'S HIM OR ME!!" ultimatum - however I did say that I'd rather not to hear about it (she talks excitedly about the plans they are making). I feel excluded from the whole experience, and I guess some level of jealousy, tbh.

Just to clarify, I do trust my girlfriend. "Generally". I do not think she has any intention of getting up to any shenanigans with the guy - at this point in time.

It just all seems very unusual to me. Weird even. I'm an older dude and have had multiple long term relationships, been married, blah blah, but I have NEVER experienced this in a relationship before.

It's starting to cause some real friction at times.

I want to sort that out and avoid the friction.

How would you feel? What would you do or say?

349 comments submitted at 00:47:15 on Aug 18, 2014 by mypantsareonmyhead

  • [-]
  • xpoc
  • 230 Points
  • 01:06:22, 18 August

Going to a festival with a group of friend I would be fine with, backpacking alone for a few weeks...not so much.

Alone, on an adventure, in a foreign country, with a person she is obviously physically attracted to (since she has fucked him in the past). The guy is obviously going to try it on. I hope for your sake your gf doesn't go through with it.

  • [-]
  • chin-do
  • 32 Points
  • 08:51:08, 18 August

Future quote: "Well if it's just the two of us it only makes sense to get one room and share the bed"

I guarantee it.

  • [-]
  • poopsathouseparties
  • 60 Points
  • 04:08:40, 18 August

A NYE festival that will be full of drugs, alcohol and festival shenanigans? I might have a problem with that as well.

  • [-]
  • darthstupidious
  • 36 Points
  • 04:33:41, 18 August

I think it'd be different if it was just a music festival with a group of friends... rather than a music festival with a group of friends and some dude she used to fuck. That's kinda a big one.

You can trust your SO with all of your heart, but them being alone for weeks on-end with a former flame is just bad news.

  • [-]
  • Steel_Pump_Gorilla
  • 6 Points
  • 08:48:34, 18 August

Exactly! Why the fuck doesn't she want to spend NYE with him?

  • [-]
  • soylentblueissmurfs
  • 338 Points
  • 00:56:08, 18 August

She's showing an amazing lack of empathy and sympathy that's all I can say.

  • [-]
  • Veals
  • 167 Points
  • 03:24:22, 18 August

Shes fucking the other guy. I guarantee it.

  • [-]
  • FreedomBaby
  • 100 Points
  • 03:46:26, 18 August

At this point... I feel I should just quit my day job and be a bookie for these types of threads.

  • [-]
  • darthstupidious
  • 42 Points
  • 04:31:31, 18 August

Too bad that no one is willing to bet against you. This is a pretty open-and-shut case of back-and-forth, if you catch my drift.

  • [-]
  • Veals
  • 21 Points
  • 05:56:08, 18 August

I feel so bad for the guy, he's all over the thread defending her fidelity when we all know she's looking forward to banging her exes brain out. So awkward.

  • [-]
  • darthstupidious
  • 30 Points
  • 06:00:36, 18 August

It is awkward, and I feel bad for him. It's very possible that she has no intention of sleeping with him, but that's not at all what the other guy is thinking. They may both be stellar individuals, but there is nobody in the world that's going to spend that much time with someone, alone, and not think about plowing them... especially if they have a past of plowing.

Poor OP. I'm sorry, man!

  • [-]
  • TeaDrinkingRedditor
  • 7 Points
  • 10:00:13, 18 August

That's the thing. She may have good intentions but that dude is under no obligation to respect their relationship. Also combine that with extended time with that person, going out drinking together etc etc.

Can't see that going any other way.

  • [-]
  • omelets4dinner
  • 14 Points
  • 06:45:11, 18 August

Fuck buddies too. I won't be ok with either but I'd sooner let her go with an ex boyfriend than an ex fuck buddy. It just seems like the "fuck it, let's just go for it" factor is far greater with an ex fuck buddy.

  • [-]
  • MatlockJr
  • 1 Points
  • 08:15:14, 18 August

Up-and-down, upanddown, upanddownupanddownupanddown

  • [-]
  • redundanteater
  • 1 Points
  • 08:34:03, 18 August

don't you mean "in and out"?

  • [-]
  • BRUTALLEEHONEST
  • 1 Points
  • 08:46:23, 18 August

Damn it I'm hungry now

  • [-]
  • naked_guy_says
  • 25 Points
  • 04:11:48, 18 August

If she hasn't yet, she definitely will on the trip

  • [-]
  • nubbeh123
  • 544 Points
  • 00:58:18, 18 August

I'd tell her I wasn't comfortable with it. If she insisted on still doing it, she would no longer be my girlfriend.

It isn't necessarily a trust issue, it's a respect and boundaries issue for me. I would not go backpacking alone with a woman that wasn't my girlfriend, let alone with one that I used to fuck. I know perfectly well that my girlfriend would be a ball of stress if I did that.

  • [-]
  • RedTalon19
  • 144 Points
  • 01:25:24, 18 August

You need to let her know this goes beyond your trust and boundaries of acceptable behavior. Be straight forward with this information. How she reacts will determine the future of your relationship. If she respects you, she will back out because she understands your needs. If she plays it off as nothing, not only will she be fucking this dude during the trip.... most importantly she has no respect for you.

  • [-]
  • mishy05
  • 46 Points
  • 05:03:19, 18 August

OP could you update us on how it goes??

  • [-]
  • purple_toad_posse
  • 47 Points
  • 01:36:10, 18 August

This. Assuming she cares at all I really can't imagine that she would be happy with you going off alone with one of your exes. Since the trip doesn't actually happen for a while you might let your feelings be known and see if she goes through with it. If there's too much stress over the situation its probably better to cut your losses though. She sounds selfish and self absorbed.

  • [-]
  • StinkyPeteProspector
  • 33 Points
  • 02:23:03, 18 August

I agree. Whether or not anything actually happens, the suspicion of the whole situation puts way too much stress on you. She needs to recognize what it's putting you through, regardless of whether or not something actually happens.

  • [-]
  • down_vote_city__
  • 19 Points
  • 06:07:28, 18 August

> I'd tell her I wasn't comfortable with it. If she insisted on still doing it, she would no longer be my girlfriend.

OP doesn't realize she's trying to make him the reason why they break up. It's some kind of weird reverse-psychology thing.

  • [-]
  • omelets4dinner
  • 9 Points
  • 06:41:04, 18 August

Hmm you could be unto something.

  • [-]
  • Steel_Pump_Gorilla
  • 16 Points
  • 08:47:06, 18 August

"We broke up because he's a jealous controlling asshole!"

"What did he do?"

"He wouldn't let me go on an exclusive backpacking adventure and music festival trip with a guy that I used to fuck casually."

  • [-]
  • iddothat
  • 4 Points
  • 11:21:26, 18 August

"~~We broke up~~ He broke up with me because he's a jealous controlling asshole!"

  • [-]
  • EverythingAnything
  • 7 Points
  • 07:52:29, 18 August

I've had this switcheroo pulled on me and its horrible.

  • [-]
  • adga77
  • 150 Points
  • 01:01:28, 18 August

Disclaimer: I'm a girl but I just wanted to share my two cents.

You've only given us one aspect of your relationship, but just from this it doesn't seem like your girlfriend takes your feelings into consideration when making decisions like this. The fact that she was surprised when you weren't happy for her just shows that she didn't even think how uncomfortable, and you have every right to feel uncomfortable in this situation, you would feel when she was making these plans.

Also, you seem kind of afraid to talk to her about it. You shouldn't be. Let her know how uncomfortable this makes you and why, and if she still doesn't understand then you may have to think about where this relationship is going.

  • [-]
  • SomeRandomXY
  • 39 Points
  • 01:17:14, 18 August

This. I would suspect there's an underlying trend you're either not seeing or not mentioning. Does she show interest in your activities? Does she take time out of her schedule for something you want? Does she show courtesy and give plenty of notice if she needs to cancel plans with you? If not, think about it, and think about why you don't feel like you can talk to her about what bothers you.

Edit: trying to add flair to my post indicating male.

  • [-]
  • mypantsareonmyhead
  • 14 Points
  • 03:05:21, 18 August

> Does she show interest in your activities? Does she take time out of her schedule for something you want? Does she show courtesy and give plenty of notice if she needs to cancel plans with you?

YES, definitely, she is an incredibly kind, generoud, thoughtful, bright, expressive person. And very forgiving of MY little foibles and faults.

So it's frustrating to be at loggerheads over this one. She is a very special person.

PLUS, this matter has been looming over us for a few months now, and I can't see myself accepting feeling this way quietly inside, all the way to January.

  • [-]
  • G0DL1K3D3V1L
  • 11 Points
  • 05:26:19, 18 August

You may also want opinions from /r/relationships to help you sort this out. You've probably done this, but how does she feel if she were in your shoes and you went out on the same kind of adventure with an ex of yours?

  • [-]
  • Zoloir
  • 3 Points
  • 06:21:23, 18 August

Your use of the word loggerheads puts into question the entire picture I was painting of the situation here.

  • [-]
  • mypantsareonmyhead
  • 30 Points
  • 03:03:10, 18 August

> Also, you seem kind of afraid to talk to her about it.

Not really. I've brought this up with her and we've had a couple of discussions on it.

We just end up poles apart on the matter. I can't believe she actually thinks it's completely cool and normal, she can't beleive I think it's not.

I can't help but think - we've uncovered a fundamental value-set difference here.

  • [-]
  • Clever__Girl
  • 48 Points
  • 03:42:28, 18 August

I think the fact she even planned out the alone portion of the trip with this guy while you 2 have been together (if I read that correctly) is pretty disrespectful. I'm assuming she invited you but you couldn't go? It is very odd for anyone in a committed relationship to plan a trip with a former romantic interest. You said they live 8 hours apart so it isn't like they could be that tight of friends where this would somehow be even a little less questionable.

  • [-]
  • GadflyIII
  • 34 Points
  • 05:14:06, 18 August

> We just end up poles apart on the matter. I can't believe she actually thinks it's completely cool and normal, she can't beleive I think it's not.

Because she is guilting you into submission. She knows what she is doing is completely fucked up, and the only defense she has is to guilt you into thinking that perhaps you are in the wrong for having a problem.

Seriously friend, you can't seriously think that anyone would be perfectly ok and fine with their GF going back packing and doing activities with an ex BF / Fuck buddy. They wouldn't, it is completely and totally out of bounds, outrageous, and if you think for one min that she is not planning on him going balls deep in her every night she is away, you are blind.

As a test, Tell her that you got the time off work and you are going to go with them, to include on the backpacking portion bet she will not be happy about that.

  • [-]
  • mypantsareonmyhead
  • 5 Points
  • 06:02:02, 18 August

I can understand your point, but she is almost desperate for me to come on the entire trip.

  • [-]
  • Zoloir
  • 35 Points
  • 06:23:47, 18 August

I mean, why haven't you offered to just take her on the same or a similar trip without the guy?

If she still wont accept that option, then unfortunately it's about the guy and not about the trip.

If she gets everything she supposedly wanted (the trip, you on it, whatever) but she refuses still because the guy isn't there... i mean, idk how else you isolate the problem better than that.

  • [-]
  • neurorgasm
  • 8 Points
  • 06:33:33, 18 August

That's a really good idea.

  • [-]
  • devobd
  • 8 Points
  • 07:20:34, 18 August

just a really expensive one.

  • [-]
  • fuckyralla
  • 13 Points
  • 06:30:06, 18 August

She claims that while knowing that you can't come along anyways to make you feel better about it. Seems like it's working just fine.

  • [-]
  • exit_sandman
  • 6 Points
  • 09:14:33, 18 August

>I can understand your point, but she is almost desperate for me to come on the entire trip.

Let's assume she truly is, it doesn't change the fact that she's alone with a guy she's sexually attracted to on a super-awesome exciting once-in-a-livetime-trip. If both of you were coming, she'd probably pick you above him in a heartbeat and fuck your brains out every night, but that doesn't change the fact that she's doing the trip with him and they already have history together. And you know what may happen if you are in an exciting situation with some reasonably attractive member of the other sex?

I can relate to her not wanting to call off her trip, especially if it's super-expensive, but then again, if I had something like that planned in advance, I wouldn't have entered a relationship before; and if I had a relationship, I wouldn't plan such a trip if I had to take another woman over my GF with me. The fact that you GF choose to do neither reflects badly on her.

  • [-]
  • Omikron
  • 1 Points
  • 11:21:43, 18 August

Yeah because she knows you can't.

  • [-]
  • Lychwood
  • 22 Points
  • 05:32:10, 18 August

It kind of sounds like gaslighting, where one person acts like it's ridiculous that their behavior makes you uncomfortable until you start to question whether or not you're the one being unreasonable.

She should really try to see things from your perspective. This has red flags ALL OVER IT, and as someone who has been cheated on before, my alarm bells are ringing in panic.

Be careful, man.

  • [-]
  • zezaz
  • 6 Points
  • 05:36:03, 18 August

| I can't help but think - we've uncovered a fundamental value-set difference here.

You have. And i would add, these are not global, absolute values, political or religious. These are couple values, where one expects something important from the other and the other does not care.

  • [-]
  • lickmybrains
  • 4 Points
  • 08:58:07, 18 August

She knows it's not normal

  • [-]
  • ForgotUserID
  • 2 Points
  • 05:51:30, 18 August

Sounds like you both are not on the same page as to how serious your relationship is. I get the impression you are taking it more serious than her and that's why she doesn't see what the big deal is. Try talking about that with her instead of bringing up the trip over and over again.

  • [-]
  • ismellreallybad
  • 93 Points
  • 02:40:12, 18 August

Some people just aren't mature enough for a serious relationship.

If your gf was, she would already realize this isn't something that's acceptable in a serious relationship. She's probably used to just hooking up or casual flings or things like that.

It's fine, she just isn't ready for what you're looking for.

Instead of swallowing it and resenting her, sit her down, explain how this is disrespectful to you and the relationship you two share. Explain how she probably wouldn't like it if you were going on a vacation with a previous gf/fuck buddy while leaving her at home.

If she still can't accept that, chooses to go anyway, or tries to make you out as a jealous or controlling asshole, then just cut your losses now or else you will be in a world of hurt, bullshit and unnecessary drama.

If she values you and your relationship, she will come to her senses and back out of those plans, if she chooses to go anyway, well at least you know what kind of girl she is.

At that point, expecting any kind of faithfulness from her would be pointless, and you might as well except that this relationship is going to be casual at best.

  • [-]
  • eksilife
  • 22 Points
  • 03:36:24, 18 August

Single. I'd feel single.

  • [-]
  • le_chuck_away
  • 21 Points
  • 03:26:30, 18 August

It's over.

This kind of thing has happened to me... my ex told me she was going on a a "work camping trip" with all her friends from work. Nope. Turned out to be her and just one guy who happened to be the heir to a large biscuit empire. For real.

I can't believe I tolerated it, and you shouldn't - its just not nice to put you through this if she loves you.

We broke up not long after.. and things got a lot better !

  • [-]
  • M1s4n7hr0p3
  • 16 Points
  • 04:13:04, 18 August

Rule of thumb- if any trip plan doesn't start with "baby, I have an opportunity to go to x to do y, would you like to go with me?" alarm bells should be going off.

  • [-]
  • FancyPigeonIsFancy
  • 23 Points
  • 04:06:21, 18 August

I had this boyfriend in college. From time to time he discussed how he and an ex-girlfriend had long ago planned a trip abroad together and they had no intention of canceling just because they'd broken up.

Okay, I'm cool, I'm trusting. I met her. She seemed perfectly alright. They went on their trip. They fucked and he dumped me and they got back together.

Should have known, obviously. But my desire to be the cool, understanding girlfriend blinded me to not just that they would hook up, but more so that that's what he was almost certainly hoping would happen all along.

So, I don't know, being cool and understanding is a great thing to be, truly, but not when it stops you from standing up for yourself. Or just knowing when to say good luck and goodbye.

  • [-]
  • BrahCJ
  • 35 Points
  • 03:19:40, 18 August

I guess I'll start by asking whether or not you Are you prepared to lose her?

Secondly, how old are you?

Personally, that wouldn't fly in my household either way. I'm 26, have lived with my girlfriend for 5 years, 2 of which have been in the house we built together. A relationship like the one I'm in would require asking if the other party was cool or not before any plans were made.

You might trust both of them, and nothing might happen, and it all might be sweet.

My concerns are that your relationship is young. When partying and backpacking, people get drunk and do things they'd rather not. If she did sleep with him, came clean to you, and regretted it deeply, would you forgive her? Could you?

Secondly, she's possibly spent money on this trip, and is clearly excited to be going to see new parts of the world. Would she trade you in for those experiences?

Regardless, if you can let her go on this trip with nothing more than a stern warning, you need to prepare yourself for the worst.

Personally, I'd probably be calling it quits now, but only you know the true value of your relationship with your girlfriend. Reddit does not, and neither do I.

  • [-]
  • mypantsareonmyhead
  • 8 Points
  • 03:26:12, 18 August

You're very insightful for a guy your age, I have to say.

>Are you prepared to lose her?

I've worked really hard, we both have, to make this relationship work and be something really worthwhile (so far). I've never put in so much genuine effort in any prior relationship, as I have this time. I would really prefer not to lose her. But not at "any cost". I have core values that don't really change.

> Secondly, how old are you?

Forty seven. (Everyone surprised?! ;) Even older dudes have feelings and romances and dramas and shit).

> When partying and backpacking, people get drunk and do things they'd rather not.

Ain't that the truth. I've done a LOT. Of BOTH. I know first hand the shit that can and does happen on these experiences. Her? A little bit less so.

> Would she trade you in for those experiences?

I'd never ask or expect her to. She's younger. She HAS to have these experiences now, while that window of opportunity is open to her.

  • [-]
  • Ann_Egg
  • 22 Points
  • 04:15:26, 18 August

> quoted text She's younger. She HAS to have these experiences now, while that window of opportunity is open to her.

While that may be true, she can do so with other people, not a former fuck-buddy. She can absolutely have her experiences in a way that isn't hurtful and disrespectful to you.

  • [-]
  • twwwy
  • 12 Points
  • 05:16:15, 18 August

>47

o booooy! how old is she...?

  • [-]
  • mypantsareonmyhead
  • 12 Points
  • 06:01:04, 18 August

29.

  • [-]
  • ohheyaubrie
  • 31 Points
  • 08:24:49, 18 August

Everything makes much more sense now.

  • [-]
  • hohnsenhoff
  • 6 Points
  • 06:55:19, 18 August

Whew.

  • [-]
  • Alechs
  • 4 Points
  • 10:35:50, 18 August

Let's be frank:

She will fuck him. I guarantee it. It is only 99%-100% (but more 100%).

You have to ask yourself: Do you want a 29 yo gf so much that you can accept this?

  • [-]
  • freebytes
  • 11 Points
  • 05:05:10, 18 August

Ask her to tell you how the sex was when she gets back.

  • [-]
  • Saai_Ghoti
  • 6 Points
  • 05:49:24, 18 August

Ah, the Hail Mary. Maybe bring up the idea of "taking a break" explicitly so if anything unexpected were to happen on the trip it technically wouldn't be cheating.

Kiss her goodbye at the airport, wish her a good trip, then go home and change the locks.

  • [-]
  • Kittykatmeeeow
  • 5 Points
  • 03:42:33, 18 August

How much younger?

  • [-]
  • BrahCJ
  • 8 Points
  • 03:39:50, 18 August

If it changes anything, I feel much older!!

I guess by not answering whether or not it is in your nature to forgive, I'm going to guess that you might? Reddit will disagree with me, but that's ok. I could forgive. Of course I'd never tell my partner that, but this is where I'm coming from.

Sex, to me, can be viewed as quite pragmatic. Two consenting adults want to grind privates for a bit to feel good. I'd be hurt, and feel deceived and rejected, but I wouldn't end an otherwise excellent relationship over an hour of passion, likely made while drunk. I'd put myself through that rejection and hurt a second time before I ended a brilliant relationship. That's just me.

For my girlfriend, sex is a very personal and intimate thing. I know that once would be enough for her to just walk, and that's cool too. I won't give her that reason, that's all.

Forgive me if the following offends but right now, 47 years old with a hot younger, adventurous woman. I'd understand if you were to take some risks to preserve that relationship. People might call that "being beta." I call it "Knowing I've got a good thing going, people make mistakes, people also sometimes just want to travel with an old friend."

  • [-]
  • _quicksand
  • 53 Points
  • 01:27:34, 18 August

That's... messed up. The only way I'd ever be ok is if she had dated him for a month and they stopped because he was more like a brother and it was too weird.

I'd imagine some of these places are fairly romantic. Her reaction shows a lack of consideration for you and your feelings. That doesn't bode well for the relationship.

When I say I trust my girlfriend, I mean I trust her not to put herself in a situation where her judgment could be compromised. Yours is just setting herself up.

  • [-]
  • mypantsareonmyhead
  • 30 Points
  • 03:09:32, 18 August

> not to put herself in a situation where her judgment could be compromised

Good point. I like that expression.

  • [-]
  • thepragmaticsanction
  • 19 Points
  • 04:37:02, 18 August

Its nice because that's the part of it that a lot of us (myself included) seem to forget. Its not just about not boning other people, since that's relatively easy to avoid. Its about not placing yourself in situations where that even becomes a possibility.

  • [-]
  • youcancallmealsdkf
  • 24 Points
  • 06:13:56, 18 August

"Compromising situations", like backpacking in europe and having to stay in hostels and probably one-bed hotel rooms to "save money". OP, you really think they're gonna go for or even be able to get a 2-bed room every place they stay? ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NOT.

They WILL cuddle at one point or another

Oh I'm lonely in this new country and miss having a warm body in my bed

Enter stage right her OLD FUCK BUDDY.

Cuddling leads to closeness leads to touching leads to sexual touching leads to fingering leads to fucking leads to YOU GETTING MADE OUT TO BE A FOOL.

Grab your manhood back from her and tell her exactly why the fuck you have a problem with this trip. Because fuck that dude, and fuck her if she insists, that's why. She's acting like it's "no big deal" because she is PLANNING on fucking him. Like, IT IS ON HER GOD DAMN ITINERARY.

OP, please please PLEASE tell her like it is. If you let her walk all over you to get what she wants then she will walk all over you to get what she wants.

Make the right choice OP.

  • [-]
  • exit_sandman
  • 6 Points
  • 09:17:46, 18 August

This, so much.

  • [-]
  • mypantsareonmyhead
  • 2 Points
  • 10:22:23, 18 August

Dude, that's pretty harsh, and also quite funny (if only it weren't so true) - but you've pretty much nailed ALL the thoughts that have been running around in my head. (Only it's not Europe).

  • [-]
  • b_smizzle
  • 3 Points
  • 11:13:46, 18 August

Totally agree with the guy you replied to. So, what's your plan?

  • [-]
  • youcancallmealsdkf
  • 3 Points
  • 11:22:52, 18 August

Good, then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT BRO

  • [-]
  • FountainsOfFluids
  • 7 Points
  • 06:27:05, 18 August

> When I say I trust my girlfriend, I mean I trust her not to put herself in a situation where her judgment could be compromised. Yours is just setting herself up.

This is exactly what I was trying to find the words for. Human beings are not perfect. We can get swept up in emotions and make stupid decisions in the heat of the moment. So it's important to use those calm, rational times to predict and stay the hell away from situations where strong emotions arise and tempt us.

Going on a trip with an ex-lover and assuming that you will not fall afoul of old feelings is just setting yourself up for cheating, whether you want to or not. That's why you simply don't do put yourself in that situation.

  • [-]
  • Lizz_Zero
  • 39 Points
  • 03:28:55, 18 August

I'm female, 30, for reference. In April I booked myself a cruise with my ex-boyfriend still friends, he still loves me so we get along great. In May I got a new boyfriend, the relationship wasn't even out of the box and I brought up the trip, he said he was uncomfortable and so I immediately booked him a ticket to the cruise. $1500.00 in a heartbeat because I care about him and I want to invest in my relationship.

Your girlfriend, not so much eh?

If I hadn't gotten the boyfriend, I woulda banged the ex. Weather the relaxed happy nature of the vacation seduces her or a drunken oops makes it happen, they are gonna bang. I suggest removing yourself emotionally from the relationship now.

  • [-]
  • mypantsareonmyhead
  • 8 Points
  • 03:31:50, 18 August

> Your girlfriend, not so much eh?

You might have missed another reply I made to another comment a few minutes ago - my g/f has been trying really hard, to find a way, and the money (maybe $7K) so I can come on the entire trip - but it just couldn't happen for me.

  • [-]
  • BG1981
  • 20 Points
  • 07:43:44, 18 August

$7k vacation? Sounds like a once in a lifetime experience... But it will be the only thing that'll happen once. Those type of trips are not the type you plan with ex's.. Even if you trust your girl as much as you claim, its obvious you don't trust the ex. Think about it.. If you were the ex, spending so much time with her wouldn't you make the most of the situation? The fact your girl doesn't even understand why you wouldn't "be happy for her" shows she doesn't hold enough regard for the type of relationship you believe you're in. My advice - be strong now or be hurt later. All the best.

  • [-]
  • Lizz_Zero
  • 25 Points
  • 03:47:27, 18 August

7k. Holy cow, yeah a little hard to just put that on a credit card. I think she would wait and do the extended part of the trip another time if she really cared about you. She should want you to be with her not some other dude.

I'm sorry I just get a really bad vibe from her being so excited while you're uncomfortable.

I'd tell her more point blank that this is not okay with you and make her respond. If she don't care now, she never will. If she seems genuinely concerned then that's good. You know her better than we do so you'll be the best judge of what kind of a response she's giving.

  • [-]
  • GoFidoGo
  • 5 Points
  • 08:19:24, 18 August

> She should want you to be with her not some other dude.

Yep. Like it was said earlier, there not much sympathy going on in her head and that sounds problematic.

  • [-]
  • Red-Terror
  • 3 Points
  • 09:19:21, 18 August

Yes this! Especially if it cost 7k. If its such a big once in a life time trip I would want to do it with someone or special.

  • [-]
  • Saai_Ghoti
  • 5 Points
  • 05:51:17, 18 August

That that $7k for the trip alone or does that take into account having to take time off, etc?

  • [-]
  • mypantsareonmyhead
  • 2 Points
  • 05:58:42, 18 August

That's just the trip expenses.

  • [-]
  • Saai_Ghoti
  • 1 Points
  • 06:04:16, 18 August

Is it just a money issue, or are you unable to take the time off?

  • [-]
  • not_a_name_
  • 24 Points
  • 00:57:41, 18 August

I would not like it at all, but I can't tell her not to go. I would consider breaking up with her. I'm not the territorial or jealous type, but a vacation with an exboyfriend/fuck buddy is where I'd have a real problem. She may not go with the intention of banging him, but shit happens when you party naked.

  • [-]
  • Titus_Brutus
  • 13 Points
  • 01:37:45, 18 August

> Then her and this guy are going on after that for some adventure travelling/backpacking

So it will only be those two? Like alone? If that's the case I would consider it cheating. I mean their only relationship in the past as far as you know has been fuck buddies, so what do you expect to happen?

  • [-]
  • JohnTheSorrowful
  • 32 Points
  • 01:55:54, 18 August

I'd consider their little side voyage to be emotional cheating. It's such a manic pixie dream girl thing to do that and expect that the dynamic of the relationship won't be forever changed. Start preparing yourself emotionally for an inevitable of a break up. Download tinder and meet some people while she's with him. You deserve better.

You can probably guess what type of comments and advice her ex is getting from his own friend group about the vacation "aww yeahhh bro. That's going to be amazing! wink wink nudge nudge"

  • [-]
  • mypantsareonmyhead
  • 26 Points
  • 03:08:45, 18 August

> emotional cheating

That's a very good, simple expression. I'd never considered it like that before. Even if "nothing happens" so to speak (i.e. no sexytimes), I sense I'm still going to feel emotionally cheated on.

Sitting through endless pic slideshows of him and her on this island or that island or this jungle tour or that mountain trek.

And then getting berated for not showing enough enthusiasm at the holiday show-and-tell.

(Fuck, listen how cynical I sound already!).

  • [-]
  • foegy
  • 23 Points
  • 03:53:16, 18 August

To be fair. This isnt really a situation that calls for optimism.

  • [-]
  • Pack__Sniffer
  • 16 Points
  • 04:39:39, 18 August

By even considering this, she is telling you that she has zero respect for you and your boundaries. This is abnormal. Nobody does this. And you're saying, "no, she's cool, she wants me to come on the trip." How the fuck did she not even consider just going with someone she didn't used to casually bang? How about asking her why she communicated with/sought out an old lover that lives 8 hours away to spend 7 drunken nights together in Europe? If they go on this trip they will fuck. Period. This is not a person I would ever be in a relationship with, let alone someone I would consider a "special person" or "kind and thoughtful." Considerate people don't do this. People can be surprising. Don't put her on a pedestal, it really sounds like your view of her is unrealistic, and she does not take your relationship seriously.

  • [-]
  • ichlibejuice
  • 9 Points
  • 03:54:56, 18 August

You're not being "emotionally cheated" on. She's going to get her brains fucked out by this guy.

  • [-]
  • Joshua44
  • 10 Points
  • 03:22:18, 18 August

I can't imagine my gf doing such a thing. I can imagine her moving heaven and earth to find a way to include me on the trip, or make the big sacrifice and not go herself. I think the only way she would go on a trip like that is if I insisted she go to the point we got in a fight and broke up over the argument. By the same token I don't make trips to places like Las Vegas with female company. She would happily encourage me to go with my guy friends, but she would rightfully be hurt and pissed if one of my ex girl friends was in the group.

  • [-]
  • mypantsareonmyhead
  • 4 Points
  • 03:28:46, 18 August

Yup.

It's definitely not the whole trip I have any issue with - AT ALL.

It's only the second part, with Mr Loverboy.

  • [-]
  • freebytes
  • 11 Points
  • 05:11:27, 18 August

She has little respect for you, though. She is not going to respect you at all if you let her go. Even if she returns, she will have lost all respect for you by you not fighting for her. So, either way, if she goes, you have lost her.

  • [-]
  • TheyCallMeShitHead
  • 19 Points
  • 01:42:57, 18 August

I would nope the fuck out and break things off with her.

  • [-]
  • Ruhlmdc
  • 9 Points
  • 03:32:49, 18 August

No, wouldn't be comfortable with it. In addition you said you got together on New Years, so she's planning to ditch you on an anniversary? Seems a little messed up to me.

  • [-]
  • Lost_Afropick
  • 10 Points
  • 05:18:42, 18 August

This post has to be a spoof or a windup surely?

In case you're being sincere, hell no. She has to know that's not acceptable at all. It's not normal behaviour.

I can't think of any man or woman that would tolerate this in a partner.

  • [-]
  • Alechs
  • 3 Points
  • 10:40:15, 18 August

> I can't think of any man or woman that would tolerate this in a partner.

He is 47 and she is 29. Many single men at this age would do a lot to get a 29 yo "gf".

  • [-]
  • mypantsareonmyhead
  • 6 Points
  • 06:00:56, 18 August

Unfortunately, this is a genuine situation.

I can see how it might look totally cooked up.

  • [-]
  • Lost_Afropick
  • 6 Points
  • 06:07:10, 18 August

Then you have to let her know it's not you being weird, it's her. Nobody would find that acceptable.

  • [-]
  • Reese_Witheredpoon
  • 5 Points
  • 06:21:05, 18 August

You have to tell her dude. Ask her how she can even feel comfortable making plans like this without you if she actually cares about your feelings? It should be her first concern if you are number one in her life.

  • [-]
  • MagicGainbow
  • 17 Points
  • 01:58:46, 18 August

She'd swiftly become my ex-girlfriend, all friends going on vacation? they'd cover for each other and you'd never get the full story.

  • [-]
  • vhmPook
  • 60 Points
  • 01:05:51, 18 August

I'd assume she's going to fuck the guy and treat her as such.

  • [-]
  • IndianGains
  • 14 Points
  • 02:12:25, 18 August

I know right now you are heart broken dude but this is a good thing. She is showing you exactly what kind of woman she really is. The fact that she does not view this as inappropriate says a lot, even if she doesn't cheat (good chance she will).

  • [-]
  • SoyChupaCabras
  • 12 Points
  • 02:47:49, 18 August

dude, they're probably going to bang

  • [-]
  • Kyrn
  • 50 Points
  • 01:55:10, 18 August

I'd make fun of her for a good 30 minutes for being so stupid to ask me such a thing, then I'd tell her to make sure to pack the rest of her shit and get out.

  • [-]
  • youcancallmealsdkf
  • 11 Points
  • 06:04:23, 18 August

You're an asshole.

But I like it.

  • [-]
  • CEKPETHO
  • 5 Points
  • 03:07:02, 18 August

If I was in that exact situation I would break it off with her. Not saying she is cheating on you, but it sounds like a definite possibility. There are no ex fuck buddies that are still friends, either you fuck buddies and friends or you are neither.

  • [-]
  • AcrossTheUniverse2
  • 6 Points
  • 06:04:03, 18 August

Sorry, but you are a doormat.

  • [-]
  • Kippax
  • 6 Points
  • 06:23:51, 18 August

I'm in a similar life situation I suppose, in that I'm an older guy with a younger GF/partner. Been married twice, this is her first long-term relationship. So a lot of parallels.

I can tell you that you're not weird and I would not be cool with this.

Unfortunately I think you're on the horns of a heck of a dilemma. It's been going on a while, and it sounds like she's made real efforts to get you to go along, so you can't really veto the deal now. I hate to say it, because it's not helpful, but the time to do that was straight away.

I don't think there's a resolution that's going to suit you both. If she doesn't go because of you, it's going to cause a lot of resentment. But if she goes, I don't think you're going to enjoy being home. I know I'd be a basket case by the time she got back.

Tough call man, I feel for you.

  • [-]
  • Saai_Ghoti
  • 21 Points
  • 01:54:22, 18 August

Friction will increase until the trip comes around so there's an excuse for you two to "take a break" so she won't be cheating on you while she's fucking that dude's brains out.

  • [-]
  • Shut_it_sideburns
  • 7 Points
  • 03:12:02, 18 August

Kinda seems like that was her plan all along.

  • [-]
  • Stayinghereforreal
  • 40 Points
  • 01:28:28, 18 August

THe locks would be changed when she got back and her cell number would be blocked. No reason to argue or present ultimatums to someone that clueless. Just move on.

  • [-]
  • Chafmere
  • 5 Points
  • 03:35:32, 18 August

Fuck that.

  • [-]
  • ass_burgers_
  • 5 Points
  • 03:37:32, 18 August

You're kidding, right? No, you can't go. If you want to, we break up.

  • [-]
  • j-u-s-t-i-n
  • 5 Points
  • 06:06:22, 18 August

>I do not think she has any intention of getting up to any shenanigans with the guy[.]

You're an idiot!

  • [-]
  • kinkydiver
  • 4 Points
  • 04:57:39, 18 August

It seems that there are two parts to the trip.

One, the New Years party, which is with friends. I'd be reluctantly ok with it, but I'd try to participate if I were you - talk to the boss, try to come up with the cash, see whether there's a cheaper way etc. I mean, are you going to sit by yourself on NYE?

Two, her going on a multi- country trip with an FWB. The only way I could remotely see this happening is if they had planned it before you came into the picture and still invited and accommodated you. But that doesn't seem to be the case.

You say she's great, but also younger. How much younger, and do you guys actually discuss the future.. or is there a chance that she sees your relationship in a different way than you do?

  • [-]
  • kingcal
  • 4 Points
  • 05:59:44, 18 August

Three words: No. Fucking. Way.

I don't really consider myself a jealous type. I trust my girlfriend completely. But contact with an ex is just asking for trouble, let alone weeks of alone time together. I agree that she may not already be planning on using their time alone to do something regrettable, but when two people who have history are left alone for a long time, things tend to happen.

I'm not saying that it's impossible for two exes to remain strictly friendly on a platonic level. One of my current best friends is a girl that I used to hook up with. We mutually decided to end it over a year ago, but we have remained close since. My girlfriend knows about our history and they've been good friends ever since we started dating about a year ago, but I would never consider going on a vacation alone with her while I left my girlfriend at home.

  • [-]
  • toolatealreadyfapped
  • 4 Points
  • 06:13:06, 18 August

She may have every intention on the planet to be 100% faithful to you for the entire duration. Doesn't matter. A responsible partner does not put themselves in such a compromising position. Weeks away, amazing adventures, just the two of them, celebratory atmosphere, sharing new memories, rehashing old memories (that include sex)... all of that adds up to the perfect storm for "a mistake."

This has messy written all over it. Your feelings are legitimate. Share your feelings and concerns. If she treats them as anything other than legitimate, expect the same for as long as you two stay together. Frankly, that's more than I would want to put up with.

  • [-]
  • Vroonkle
  • 4 Points
  • 08:39:35, 18 August

Her backpack won't be the only thing getting stuffed on this trip.

  • [-]
  • Havib3
  • 41 Points
  • 01:32:52, 18 August

They're fucking. I guarantee it.

  • [-]
  • mypantsareonmyhead
  • 15 Points
  • 03:06:03, 18 August

They live in different cities. 8hrs apart.

  • [-]
  • Miliean
  • 50 Points
  • 03:42:02, 18 August

> They live in different cities. 8hrs apart.

So they can't normally see each other, but have communicated enough to plan a trip together. So I'm sure there's no sexual tension that's going to come out the first drunken night in europe.

  • [-]
  • handygrl90
  • 38 Points
  • 03:14:51, 18 August

They won't be during the trip. I wouldn't go for it if I was in your situation.

  • [-]
  • Havib3
  • 17 Points
  • 04:38:10, 18 August

Ok fine, but... > adventure travelling/backpacking to some really awesome countries/places

> Her and him were fuck buddies of some kind

Bro you can't be this blind.

  • [-]
  • FreedomBaby
  • 12 Points
  • 03:49:23, 18 August

And during the trip they will be less than 8 yards apart.

  • [-]
  • daboblin
  • 21 Points
  • 03:52:07, 18 August

Negative eight inches apart

  • [-]
  • omelets4dinner
  • 3 Points
  • 06:49:32, 18 August

Hmm, generous.

  • [-]
  • FreedomBaby
  • 4 Points
  • 04:01:08, 18 August

Well... I was trying to be nice. But the bottom line being. He could dump this chick and find a new one by the time this one who wants to go on a backpacking trip to bonertown and come back to status quo. IMO/IME Fuck No

  • [-]
  • Ambrose--
  • 4 Points
  • 09:26:36, 18 August

I know guys who've driven 15+ hours to different cities for pussy, b0ss.

  • [-]
  • KUN_Aguero
  • 7 Points
  • 02:09:24, 18 August

Dude you have every right to feel uncomfortable. You say she wants you to be happy for her? Wtf kind of shit is that!? Honestly I don't see how you even accepted the fact the she still hangs out with an old fuck buddy. Honestly there isn't anything you can say. I mean you already accepted her ex lover so I can see why she would assume you'd be okay with her doing this. All I can say is I wouldn't even find my self in this kind of situation.

  • [-]
  • QuinineDjinn
  • 3 Points
  • 03:29:21, 18 August

That's some funky ass shit bro. Drop her.

  • [-]
  • Imupnthis
  • 3 Points
  • 04:02:16, 18 August

Then she would be my ex girlfriend. If you have to ask if its dirty, then yeah, its dirty. Hopefully you aren't on the same lease (or worse mortgage) because this sounds like it doesn't have a happy ending.

  • [-]
  • Stephen1985
  • 3 Points
  • 04:19:04, 18 August

No fucking way, If i was in her shoes i wouldn't even dream of going, surely this is just taking the piss.

Your biggest problem is if she goes, you will never know. It will eat away at you, you will wonder what might have happened, it will pop up in arguments from time to time and you will never know what really happened.

  • [-]
  • elcoqui121
  • 3 Points
  • 04:22:03, 18 August

You have ever right to feel uncomfortable. As much you trust her there are just boundaries that should never be crossed. She could easily do the trip without him. If the whole "I could have gone and not told you he was there" excuse comes up it's a red flag. I just don't think there is any scenario where they should be spending significant time together alone exists.

  • [-]
  • unixpro
  • 3 Points
  • 04:26:10, 18 August

she would be my ex gf in the moment she put a foot on that mode of transportation.

  • [-]
  • PersianDj
  • 3 Points
  • 04:37:54, 18 August

You people take so much shit,its depressing.

Find a new girl buddy!

She will be vacationing with her ex fwb,they are definitely hooking up again.

  • [-]
  • djulioo
  • 3 Points
  • 06:20:28, 18 August

> I haven't thrown any tantrum , or delivered any "IT'S HIM OR ME!!" ultimatum

Perhaps it's time to do just that

  • [-]
  • dpmad
  • 3 Points
  • 06:30:55, 18 August

She would go as a single lady.

  • [-]
  • theCroc
  • 3 Points
  • 06:31:50, 18 August

Alone together? No way. There is trusting and then there is being an idiot.

  • [-]
  • joebillybob
  • 3 Points
  • 06:31:56, 18 August

Sorry if this is too harsh, OP, but if she isn't already fucking the other guy, she's going to. You think she's naive enough to seriously think there'd be no problem with her going on a trip alone with her ex? I'm not buying it, and neither should you.

I'm not saying break it off. I'm saying your response should be "I'm not comfortable with this, here's my concern, and I don't want you to do it." If she's not willing to drop it, drop her. If she is willing to drop it... still keep an eye on her. If she's cheating/thinking about cheating, she's still going to do it, but she's going to be more careful about it next time. There's a chance nothing is going on but I'd be cautious as hell.

  • [-]
  • stevage
  • 3 Points
  • 09:19:39, 18 August

Here's two reasons to object:

  1. You're going to be miserable, stressed, and jealous the whole time they're away having a great time. Even if nothing happens, she can't blame you for wondering.
  2. She's going to be having great experiences that she's sharing with another guy. Fond memories that don't include you.

Who knows if they would sleep together. Assuming you have good judgment and have called the situation accurately, then they probably wouldn't. But it's a pretty unpleasant situation she's put you in, and that doesn't seem fair.

And just quietly, it's hard to think of a situation more likely to cause ex-fwb's to hook up again than "adventure travelling/backpacking to some really awesome countries/places" - and she should see that.

  • [-]
  • nilou_f
  • 3 Points
  • 10:11:10, 18 August

Single. I would feel single.

  • [-]
  • coffedrank
  • 3 Points
  • 11:10:35, 18 August

My GF going on vacation alone with a former fuck buddy no matter where it is:

No.

  • [-]
  • workacct20910
  • 1 Points
  • 11:47:03, 18 August

Stunning lack of respect for the relationship shown by gf.

  • [-]
  • throwawaykld12364
  • 8 Points
  • 03:32:06, 18 August

They're going out of the country just to fuck. There's no other reason why this guy would invite his old fuck buddy out on a grand vacation. If she goes on that vacation, dump her on the curb like the bag of trash she is.

  • [-]
  • babno
  • 5 Points
  • 03:07:02, 18 August

Can I come since I am now her ex boyfriend as well?

  • [-]
  • scraynes
  • 4 Points
  • 01:45:19, 18 August

She wouldn't.

  • [-]
  • ichlibejuice
  • 4 Points
  • 03:52:47, 18 August

Whether or not she actually is cheating on you, which she is, she clearly doesn't respect you at all. She has absolutely no concern for your happiness. You need to dump that basic skeeze.

  • [-]
  • m0llyh00per
  • 3 Points
  • 02:05:09, 18 August

A similar situation was discussed on Slate: http://www.slate.com/articles/podcasts/gist/2014/07/thegistandemilyyoffesdearprudenceandthefoxtimewarner_merger.html Good advice starts at around 10:45

  • [-]
  • OlScrublord
  • 2 Points
  • 03:39:59, 18 August

I would assume that they would have sex. If I had a partner at the moment and I felt sexual attraction towards them; I wouldn't let them. However, if I don't have any sexual feelings for her, only romantic ones; I would be totally up for that because sex wouldn't feel like work. Assuming I was a sexual person, it would be an absolute no.

  • [-]
  • JesseJaymz
  • 3 Points
  • 03:40:52, 18 August

"Bye"

  • [-]
  • falkonpunched
  • 2 Points
  • 03:57:16, 18 August

My girlfriend would be my ex for even considering this. Just goes to show how much respect she has for you. Like she didnt even consider how you would feel about him going.

  • [-]
  • Cockoisseur
  • 2 Points
  • 04:29:03, 18 August

wwwwow dtmfa

  • [-]
  • grumpypotato
  • 2 Points
  • 04:51:59, 18 August

I would think she was cheating, or planning to.

  • [-]
  • WhiteRastaJ
  • 2 Points
  • 04:56:21, 18 August

She's going away with What amounts to an ex, you're not invited. Immediate deal breaker for me. And if she doesn't get that, well...time for her to grow up.

  • [-]
  • Mysta02
  • 2 Points
  • 05:04:24, 18 August

I have no idea what I'd say or do......

I would NEVER go on vacation alone with a past partner when I'm in a relationship, though.

Having him as a friend is ok, I guess, as long as boundaries are kept. But, vacationing, drinking, etc, alone with him is super weird, imo....

I'd ask how she'd feel if you were the one going away with a past lover.

  • [-]
  • GadflyIII
  • 2 Points
  • 05:06:57, 18 August

The group trip is questionable, but at least semi-reasonable.

The back-packing, making plans with her ex completely and totally crosses all the boundaries any reasonable person would expect.

Candidly, If my Wife/girlfriend did this, they would no longer be my wife/girlfriend.

  • [-]
  • killigon
  • 2 Points
  • 05:07:23, 18 August

Yeah that's bad, might not be intentional, but such situations have a way of working out themselves.

  • [-]
  • 4forpengs
  • 2 Points
  • 05:14:38, 18 August

Did you mean:

>How would you feel if your ex-girlfriend went on a vacation with her ex-boyfriend or lover?

?

  • [-]
  • MrYamimoto
  • 2 Points
  • 06:02:33, 18 August

My ex tried doing this once. She was going to go visit her ex-boyfriend who lives in another state...and, of course, stay at his house. I wasn't ok with it. She never ended up going(due to scheduling issues), but it had a lasting effect on our relationship.

  • [-]
  • HarryPeckerCrabbe
  • 2 Points
  • 06:36:26, 18 August

I don't understand why you are even asking: it is disrespectful for her to ask to go given the history. Get some street smarts, also: you know from real world experience what very well can happen here -- read a few stories here on Reddit about how women cheat with ex-boyfriends (the stories inevitably contain a litany of mitigating reasons why the woman should not be held fully accountable, such as intoxication).

Stand your ground!

  • [-]
  • Social-Grenade
  • 2 Points
  • 06:41:55, 18 August

In the end what it comes down to is trust. Do you trust her?
Personally, yeah I do think it's a bit weird but if she's committed to you and you don't think he's a sleazeball who will try and take advantage then you have nothing to worry about.

  • [-]
  • dancing_junkie
  • 2 Points
  • 08:26:23, 18 August

Yea i'd be pretty fucking upset...

  • [-]
  • chilehead
  • 2 Points
  • 08:39:31, 18 August

The end of my marriage started with something pretty similar to this, except I went on the vacation as well - just leaving two days later with friend B while she went up there with friend A.

Given that history, I'd be more or less adamant about that not happening.

You might be trusting your GF to the ends of the Earth, but how far are you willing to trust her ex? In the heart of every man is the belief that they can get any ex back with just a little coaxing. and that every breakup is just a little hiatus.

The only reason I'm cool with my current GF talking with her ex is that the reason they broke up is that he is completely impotent.

  • [-]
  • MrPeppa
  • 2 Points
  • 08:47:38, 18 August

Common group of friends? Sure

Alone? No way I'd be okay with it

  • [-]
  • sdtp
  • 2 Points
  • 09:15:58, 18 August

I had a girlfriend who had a lot of guy friends, and her best friend was her ex of 3 years.

One night she got hammered with 'the girls' and I picked her up from the club and brought her to my house. She started saying this guy with whom she'd been hanging out with's name during sex. She never told me the truth about it, but she said they'd got drunk and he'd kissed her and it was on her mind (which she said explained the name-saying). I was young and dumb and believed her and continued with the relationship, but reflecting on the experience I'm fairly sure she fucked that guy, as well as other guys. She fucked a dude in her university halls the night we broke up, after her ex came to visit her to 'console her'.

I will never trust a woman who is best friends with an ex boyfriend. I've seen too many shit shows to believe the 5% of girls who are legitimately 'just friends' with their ex-bf, and I know too many guys who have very little moral substance with regards to getting laid when it's someone's girlfriend.

Travelling is a horizon-broadening, mind-opening experience. People go, they see different cultures, they question the legitimacy of theirs - it's mind-changing. Don't expect your girlfriend to come back the same person. Some people have difficulty readjusting to their life back home. Going alone is a big thing; going with an ex-fucking-boyfriend is even bigger. They're going to be sharing the experience, together. That's something you will never understand and they'll always have it. It's a bond that will always be there. She'll always want to tell you about these exciting adventures just slightly more than you'll want to hear about them - to you it will be irritating, and to her it will be frustrating.

If it were me and my girlfriend, I'd offer an ultimatum. Either she doesn't go, or she stops being my girlfriend. Either way, I don't think this is something that can be recovered from. If she decides not to go she'll blame you for stopping her, and if she does go you will be a nervous wreck and you'll be expecting your girlfriend to come home, and when someone else comes home with all these cool stories about all the spiritual shit her and Frank went through it will only be a matter of time before you have to say, "Enough is enough."

It sounds like your girlfriend is younger than you. She'll likely grow out of it, but not with you as her boyfriend.

P.S. fun fact: the guy my ex-girlfriend cheated on me with 5+ years ago is a good friend of a new circle of friends I made after uni. I have to see him all the time and pretend shit's fine lest I stir something up, and all my friends will side with him due to their loyalty. Go fucking figure.

  • [-]
  • gillandred
  • 2 Points
  • 09:25:06, 18 August

This is probably going to get buried, but how serious are you about her? Are you thinking marriage with her?

Being that you're a little older, I'm assuming your financially stable. Maybe you can't afford a 7k grand trip right now, but if she made it clear that travel and adventure are priorities for her, and you agreed.... Then is she potentially trading away a LIFETIME of trips with you over this one right-now chance? If you committed to lots of hiking/camping/cheap road trip adventures, plus a nice big $2000 trip per year (or $4000 trip every other year) would that be doable?

Also, are there kids in the picture? Does she want any in future? Is that driving her "I have to do this one big grand thing before I'm saddled down with a baby" I'm just trying to understand why she feels like she has to do this NOW and not say, in 2 years when you've got money saved up and could go with her.

Make no mistake - this trip sounds as amazing or better than most honeymoons. NYE - pfft, maybe not such a big deal. I wouldn't sweat that. But going on an amazing HONEYMOON with another dude? That'd be a deal-breaker for me.

  • [-]
  • Alechs
  • 2 Points
  • 10:19:20, 18 August

> How would you feel if your girlfriend went on a vacation with her ex-boyfriend or lover?

This could not happen. She would not be my girlfriend anymore.

At first I could understand you: She wants to party with 12 of her and your friends and one of them happens to be her ex. I could understand you 100% if you feel uncomfortable, but I would say that you have to trust her here.

But then she wants to travel with him alone. Are you crazy? She could travel with some of the other 11 people. Or with you to a point you have time.

It is time to say good bye. I would not tell her "me or him". If she thinks that it is OK, I would answer the question for her: Him.

  • [-]
  • burningbezier
  • 3 Points
  • 10:46:33, 18 August

I don't want to say "they're definitely fucking" but two former FWBs going on a backpacking holiday together means they will be fucking at some point. She won't mean to do it, and right now if you pressed her on it she'd swear up and down that it'll never happen, that "she doesn't see him that way anymore", but rest assured - it will happen. There's very few certainties in life but here are a few I know to be true - the sun rises every morning, death comes to us all and former fuck buddies will have sex on a backpacking holiday of a lifetime if it's just the two of them on their own.

How will you deal with this come January? Knowing that when they're going around those islands and jungles everyone will be assuming they're boyfriend and girlfriend while you're sitting at home? Knowing that they'll be drinking together alone in an area where they're the only ones that speak English? Where they'll be in each others company 24/7 having fucked before? Unless he's gone gay in the interim, he'll be trying it on within a week of leaving the US. You'll be fucking miserable. At 47 years of age, do you need that worry?

Here's what I'd do, keeping in mind that it's completely unreasonable to tell her not to go - I'd tell her, straight up, that her going on a long holiday with that guy is something I can't accept. I'd tell her that, of course I trust her, but that things happen on holidays that nobody plans for. I would tell her that I want her to have the best time possible, but that I can't deal with the thoughts of her being on a solo holiday with another man so, for my own well being, we should not be together. I'd also begin to look for someone not at that irritating stage of life where they have to "find themselves" while getting bitten by mosquitos in Borneo.

She's going on this holiday with or without you. It will change her outlook on life and she'll remember it forever - and you will not be a part of it. End it now, or eat misery for months and have her end it when she comes home.

Good luck.

  • [-]
  • iamthegraham
  • 2 Points
  • 10:56:26, 18 August

the question isn't what I'd feel, it's what she'd feel.

and the answer is his dick.

  • [-]
  • wienercat
  • 2 Points
  • 10:57:31, 18 August

Being in a relationship means compromising. That being said, she should listen to your concerns and respect them by not going, at least not to the backpacking trip.

The new years party sounds fine, she will be with lots of other people. So that one I would say is okay. But the alone backpacking with an old boyfriend, ehhh not really cool.

Voice your opinion and stand firm. If she is adamant about going, maybe consider breaking it off. If she can't understand your concerns about it and be at least willing to talk about not going, you shouldn't be dating her anymore.

So again it's all about compromise. Say "Hey, I know you are excited about the backpacking thing, but can you not go? It's still fine if you go to the music festival but I just don't feel comfortable with you going to that." Or something along those lines. She should respect your opinion and at least talk about it with you.

  • [-]
  • jrs4286
  • 2 Points
  • 11:10:14, 18 August

She's going to cheat on you in some really awesome countries/places. And then when she gets back and tells you about it she'll throw in the "it wasn't part of the plan!" nonsense...it is.

  • [-]
  • hedonicscale
  • 2 Points
  • 11:23:43, 18 August

Check into non-monogamy. It is possible for you to maintain your relationship while she also has other relationships. Relationships do not have to be a zero-sum game.

  • [-]
  • vbfronkis
  • 1 Points
  • 11:40:31, 18 August

I was okay with this trip up until she and the guy were going off from the group on their own.

Major boundary and respect issue there, fella.

  • [-]
  • Rorako
  • 1 Points
  • 11:41:34, 18 August

I'm still good friends with girls I've fucked in the past to the point where Id be able to go on vacation with a few of them and keep it appropriate. We fucked, moved on, and the magic is gone. I think people in this thread are focusing on one aspect, while there is clearly the very real possibility that they're only just friends. Not saying everyone else is wrong, just that there isn't just one way this could end. Would I be comfortable? No. Would I let it end a very serious relationship? Probably not.

  • [-]
  • whomecannotbe
  • 1 Points
  • 11:52:04, 18 August

Wouldn't feel anything because that shit would be over lickity split.

  • [-]
  • Quock
  • 1 Points
  • 11:53:17, 18 August

If my girlfriend's ex came into town for a few days and they wanted to grab dinner/lunch one day, I have no problem with that (well, depends on the situation, but generally). Hell, maybe we can grab a group of people and hang out or something. My divorced parents (and their respective families) are still friends, and they are living examples of how mature adults can put aside their differences and maintain a friendship.

But backpacking alone in foreign countries crosses the line IMO. If she was single, maybe, yeah I could see it. But she's committed to you, and it doesn't sound like she respects your boundaries. Perhaps you haven't clearly defined them for her? Either way, this is something you need to talk about with her, since the end result could be a nasty break up.

  • [-]
  • Malteser88
  • 1 Points
  • 12:28:54, 18 August

I'm going to stop you right here and tell you that she doesn't deserve you and that you should break up with her. If she should travel with another guy that other guy should be you, not some homosexual friend or orbitor, but you. Let alone her ex-lover.

She doesn't respect you at all man.Ask her how she would like if you stooped down to her level and went on a holiday with your ex? Its so inappropriate and uncaring, what are you in a relationship with her for? Even her 'Friend' kept her around only for sexual purposes as a fuckbuddy (and I guess now its ...... different?).

I say start meeting new girls and keep her on as a sex-friend.. no point in wasting your time with a girl who thinks its normal to do this kind of bizarre things.

  • [-]
  • throwaway
  • 3 Points
  • 05:07:32, 18 August

My wife is friends with pretty much everyone she's ever gotten to know well, and has sometimes traveled to hang out with an ex. She is honest and loves me so I don't worry, but I do joke that any funny business will lead to a double - murder suicide :-)

  • [-]
  • siamthailand
  • 3 Points
  • 07:26:57, 18 August

Dude, she just cuckolded you so fucking hard. I would actually take that as a slap in the face and leave the girl. I have ended a relationship for less than this.

  • [-]
  • grittex
  • 3 Points
  • 03:50:12, 18 August

I suppose there are a couple of issues here. You can't join her on this backpacking/adventure trip. I am assuming that you would if you could, and that she'd rather go with you (i.e. you two can actually travel well together and know this).

I would think that the normal way to do this would be for her to go alone, but some people really aren't down for that. In such a situation, she has the option of going alone or taking a friend. I'm going to assume the list of possible friends who she knows she can travel with and has the means to accompany her is really limited - possibly limited to just this guy. That leaves you in a position where the only real question in my mind is Would you still care if they hadn't ever slept together?.

If so, you've just got a boundaries issue. You don't want her travelling with other guys. If your issue is only because they slept together, you've got a trust issue - you don't trust her to keep her physical and/or emotional distance from him and keep it entirely platonic (it can be non platonic, even if nothing physical happens).

Personally, I couldn't give a fig if my SO wanted to travel with someone else. I'd only be upset if a) it was something I wanted to do too, b) I knew we could travel well together, and c) I had the means and ability to go/take time off work etc at the time of the planned trip. Otherwise there's a logistical problem with me going, it's not personal, and such is life. If it used to be an old fuck buddy? Eh, no point dating people you don't trust. I'd use it as a learning experience to get my reaction to it down to the point where it should be, i.e. "couldn't give a fig", which would be my reaction if it were 'just' an old friend (because now they are nothing but old friends and if I don't believe that I shouldn't be dating him).

  • [-]
  • lwatson74
  • 3 Points
  • 07:16:32, 18 August

I'm a girl, but... where is she staying? Who is she rooming with? I'd tell her that there is to be no drinking with him alone. and she should have a buddy (girl) that she sticks with at all times. Otherwise, I'd let her go. Tell her to take reasonable precautions to not put herself in an uncompromising or risky situations. Even the most trustworthy person can make a mistake when they're intoxicated.

If she balks ,"what, you don't trust me?" Wait for her to calm down and in your calmest, reasonable voice "I trust you completely. I don't trust him. And I don't trust what partying and alcohol can do to a person."

Do you know for a fact that she's traveling with a dozen of your friends? If she has any brains, she wouldn't flirt or be frisky with this dude anyway. Wouldn't your friends mention it to you??

Ask that she calls you every night for updates. If she starts skimping on phone calls, turning her phone off, ignoring your calls... not answering texts. Well, to me that's suspicious.

  • [-]
  • Circ-Le-Jerk
  • 2 Points
  • 07:48:45, 18 August

Dude, do you seriously have no spine who is completely oblivious to this? Grow up, be a man. You know this is sketchy as fuck. What the fuck is wrong with you? Stand your ground and man up.

This chick used to like this guy's sexual presence so much, that at one point she was willing to fuck him on the side for fun. You think that sexual tension is just going to magically vanish after all these years.

Dude, she's going to fuck him. Then she's going to come back and deny it.

How the hell are so many guys so naive? When did guys all of a sudden start becoming afraid to call women out on their bullshit? "I'm afraid if I call her out, that means I'm being sexually jealous and not understanding. If I say anything, I may come off as too controlling. I don't know what to do!"

OP, this whole thread is pathetic.

  • [-]
  • tibb
  • 1 Points
  • 04:05:23, 18 August

If she really doesn't see how this would make you feel then she's pretty dense, but that's not necessarily a reason to break up with her.

So you need to make her see how this makes you feel, so then she can decide what she wants to do based on reality. If she still wants to go, then I'd say that's reason to break up.

  • [-]
  • booziwan
  • 1 Points
  • 04:14:16, 18 August

I you did really trust her completely, you wouldnt have posted this. Your uncomfortable because you think theyll fuck., and youre probably right. They gonna bang, and youre gonna let it happen.

  • [-]
  • Jose_Monteverde
  • 1 Points
  • 04:19:16, 18 August

If she wants him, good for you. You deserve better

If she doesn't want him, same thing.

  • [-]
  • pornsmurf
  • 0 Points
  • 04:39:23, 18 August

Maybe she sees you as a fuck buddy. Worse she is taking your time while fucking others. Take the sex out of the equation and she is still hyped to leave your ass on the side lines while she is making moves. Do you pay her rent? If so, go directly to pussy whipped jail.

  • [-]
  • Saintzillla
  • 1 Points
  • 04:48:46, 18 August

You're clearly going about this in a thoughtful and level-headed way...kudos.

That being said, sounds like you and her have very different ideas of boundaries and I think that in the future it will be very problematic.

Obviously we don't have enough info to make any iron clad statements on your relationship, but you two obviously need to hash this out and see what's up.

I don't envy you. That spot she has put you in sucks.

And I should add, I don't think you or her is necessarily wrong...people just differ in opinions and boundaries, but it needs to be investigated to find out if you're investing in a situation where you don't see a real future.

  • [-]
  • SpikeyJohnson
  • 1 Points
  • 05:41:09, 18 August

That would be a "Fuck no..." in my book.

  • [-]
  • GunsGermsAndSteel
  • 1 Points
  • 05:43:10, 18 August

Why don't you just hold his dick for him while he fucks her? Because that's pretty much what you're doing.

  • [-]
  • Kmodek
  • 1 Points
  • 05:47:20, 18 August

Yeah....fuck that. No situation would make that ok with me in any way, shape or form.

  • [-]
  • Cheeko25
  • 1 Points
  • 05:51:54, 18 August

Oh God, I would totally not be okay with this. There is absolutely NO way they are not going to fuck. Old fwb backpacking together for 2 weeks? Yea, there's a 99.9% chance of banging going down on that trip.

  • [-]
  • optical_power
  • 1 Points
  • 05:56:29, 18 August

I'm going to go against the grain here.

If the relationship is serious and this person is the 'one' and this is an awesome trip for her - then why not go on the trip too?

Work is not everything. Even suggesting it might give you clues as to her motivations.

  • [-]
  • Ithinkimawake
  • 1 Points
  • 06:14:33, 18 August

END IT...just sayin, it will save you a ton of grief in the long run.

  • [-]
  • Rottimer
  • 1 Points
  • 06:24:29, 18 August

I'd trust her. . . if I was into /r/Cuckold

But I'm not, so I'd probably break up with her before the trip. That way she can sleep with her former fuck-buddy with no guilt, since it's heading in that direction anyway.

  • [-]
  • dr_do0m
  • 1 Points
  • 06:33:21, 18 August

She wouldn't be my gf anymore after doing something like this.

  • [-]
  • agentalpha
  • 1 Points
  • 08:11:04, 18 August

So much nope. Me personally? Since the relationship hasn't hit the year mark I'd just break it off because of her lack of sympathy/empathy and understanding. Chances are, she might not be so considerate if the situation was turned around against her. However, if you really think she's worth keeping and can be trusted then that's all on you dude.