OP isn't sure if she got raped. Luckily, /r/confession is. (self.SubredditDrama)
SubredditDrama
59 ups - 0 downs = 59 votes
"I said I was raped. I don't know if it's true." OP tells /r/confession about what happened, and how conflicted her mind is.
The top commenter isn't as conflicted, causing some drama Edit: chain nuked, redditbots saved it
Further down, a commenter's "what if it went this way though" pops some more kernels.
Surely there must be a way to talk about this topic without causing butts to be hurt. Let's try the good old dictionary denifition. Wait, no, still drama.
One commenter believes to have found the source of conflict: "Rape is really an open word, people need to realize all the different connotations to it." Redditors agree and start 'raping the commenter with their words'. Edit: chain nuked, redditbots saved it
Bonus: /u/TypicalWhiteGirl loses it after forgetting her own username Edit: comment removed, redditbots saved it
Edit: Bonus bonus: somewhere else, people are getting very upset
169 comments submitted at 18:38:11 on Aug 11, 2014 by Belgiumball
IDK if this is rape or not. It's clear that you would absolutely be unable to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that she had been raped. However, here's a good rule of thumb for you!
Before you stick your dick or fingers or tongue in someone's vagina, mouth, or anal cavity or place someone's dick, fingers or tongue into any cavities of your own, go ahead and ask them of that's alright. Say "Hey. I want to have sex with you. Would you like to have sex with me?" if they say yes: go for it! You can even ask really sexy like, if you're worried about breaking the mood. "Hey. I want to fuck you until your pussy is sopping wet and you cum multiple times on my face and throbbing, erect cock. I want to fuck you until you walk funny, I want you to be fantasizing about this night every time you masturbate for months. How does that sound?"
If they don't say yes? Just go ahead and pass on having sex with them for a while. You can ask again later! Sex is a lot of fun. Jail is not a lot of fun. It's not worth the risk!
Remember: always ask first! If they say yes, go ahead and have sex. If they don't say yes, don't have sex with them. Jesus fucking Christ people.
I don't understand why the idea of asking for consent is so hard for some people.
People are just bad at communicating with each other. Maybe they're too shy. Maybe they're afraid the answer will be 'no' or that asking for explicit consent will seem too clinical and break the mood. I understand why people do it, I just think it's shitty for everyone that one would neglect to do so. There's no reason to traverse the quagmire of non-verbal communication when all you have to do is ask and it will be pretty clear.
It's okay if someone says 'no', too. You're not less of a person. It probably doesn't even have anything to do with you. Just go out and find someone who will say yes. There's like 6 billion or so people on the planet. Someone out there will fuck you.
> Maybe they're afraid the answer will be 'no'
That's actually a really excellent reason they shouldn't be having sex at all.
That's misleading though. It's not that they're afraid the answer will be no. They're afraid the answer will become no because they asked.
As in "we were having this nice fun time, but you had to get all weird on me and start making things awkward so I'm not interested any more." And yes, that is a thing that happens.
Then there's also the secondary question of just how explicit you have to be about what exactly everyone is consenting to. "Hey wanna fool around" "sure." Is that enough consent? Do we now have to explicitly sit down and chart out which body parts are ok and which are not? If we forget to specify that kissing is ok but french isn't are we now rapists? Fingers on clit is cool but penetration is a no-no?
Look I get that communication is good. And there are certain boundaries like penetration that ought to discussed beforehand. But it's disingenuous to pretend that all communication all the time is the perfect solution. Sometimes misunderstandings happen even with the best of intentions.
And this seems to be one of those times. Like, I honestly feel bad for her, but I have a hard time calling it rape. Especially since it seems like within seconds of her saying stop, he stopped. Though I guess I carry a slight bias in that none of my sexual partners and I explicitly stated when sex was okay. There wasn't any asking beforehand "so hey, wanna have sex this weekend?" there wasn't any "So we're fooling around, can I stick my dick in you now?" It was pretty much exactly like what happened with this guy. Start fooling around, suddenly genitals are all rubbing up on each other, and eventually you ease it into penetration.
Or maybe I'm a rapist because I don't get written consent on when sex is okay. shrug
I never gave my wife permission the first time she sucked my dick. To be honest it was a good ten seconds before I even really figured out that I was having my first blow job.
I hope you marri-... Oh, you did. Good man.
Any reason whatsoever for not wanting to explicitly ask for consent is also a good reason not to have sex.
Well in a long term relationship you don't really need to ask, it can be totally non verbal.
If, and only if, you have a previous verbal agreement that makes that ok.
Well if that's your way then alright.
You can touch my vulva on Fridays, but only AFTER I finish watching my Scrubs re-runs.
I was expecting a joke somewhere, but there wasn't one. Still, this is a post that I like. (♡˙︶˙♡)
They think it might "ruin the moment"
Personally speaking, it kind of would (I'm a woman). I'd be pretty put off if we are in the heat of the moment, I'm sending enthusiastic yes signals with my body, and they stopped to ask. Blech.
I'm not going to say one should or should not do this, but it's a reality that for some, it would kill the mood.
I mean, in that situation, it would kill the mood because you are clearly already consenting.
Yeah, I mean obviously if someone freezes or stops participating, that's the cue to say, "hey, is this ok?" But for me, consent comes from actions, not words.
I don't think any adult in the history of the world has ever initiated sex through asking directly for it. I mean, honestly, think about it. "Hey...ummm want to have sex?" Romantic encounters are defined through subtlety. Otherwise people would have no issue knowing if their date finds them attractive, etc.
90% of human interaction is non-verbal. Sex is no different. Unless you are autistic, you will know full well whether or not your partner wants to have sex with you through their body language. If there is a slight chance that you misinterpreted... they would tell you. "Umm, what are you doing?"
>90% of human interaction is non-verbal. Sex is no different.
Source?
>"Hey...ummm want to have sex?"
Asking consent does not mean you have to sound like a awkward, drunk, overly-forward college student at a party.
>Unless you are autistic, you will know full well whether or not your partner wants to have sex with you through their body language.
Am autistic, and this is also a bogus assertion. I've usually missed nonverbal communication in intent to initiate sex until directly asked, but you don't need to be autistic to miss nonverbal cues, or to expect that your partner ask consent/expect unambiguous, verbal consent before initiating.
I have absolutely wiggled my eyebrows lasciviously and asked my SO if she wanted "get down" and paired the inquiry with a suggestive hip thrust.
That's the cool part of being in a long term relationship I guess. You get to be such gross weird people in front of each other long enough that you do dumb shit and they'll fuck you anyway.
>Unless you are autistic, you will know full well whether or not your partner wants to have sex with you through their body language.
A lot of victims of rape are somewhat incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, meaning those signals that we all understand are missed or ignored.
Also, fun study in one province found that 14% of men felt that women who say no to sex (literally, out loud) don't actually mean no, and 39% said that women forced into sex while drunk aren't raped.
By those numbers, I'd argue that a good chunk of men are pretty much terrible at knowing when their partners want sex. That's a pretty good argument for some explicit sexy talk before having relations.
Source
In relation to the OP, they were inexperienced kids exploring sexual contact. I absolutely did not have an adult, sit down conversion about sex, consent and boundaries with my first sexual partner. We just got drunk and fooled about, and over the course of several weeks, went from touching to fondling to fingering/wanking, to blow jobs to sex.
It was all non-verbal during the heat of it, with both of us taking the lead at different times to push the boundary a bit further. When we finally had sex, neither of us had said 'let's have sexual intercourse'. We just grinded and touched and undressed and then did it.
I can't imagine that my experience is far removed from many. You've been reading too many Jezebel articles if you think that sex when you're young is all based around open, adult communication.
I know that I always ask for consent from my wife when we have sex. It's arousing for her.
"Is it ok if I touch your boob?" I'll ask. And she'll nod.
Then I'll say "what about under your bra? I've got consent for that right?" And that drives her wild.
Then I'll say "so I'm going to send my hand between your legs just to feel around. No pussy, just bush. Ok?" And you can tell by the way she says "are you fucking serious?" that I'm really pushing all the right buttons.
"Ok. I'm going to put my finger in. Just checking that's ok still. Let me know when you want me to go near your clit. No pressure obviously. I mean, it's totally up to you."
......
And then I keep on doing that right up to "so it's ok if I throw you over and pull your head back by your hair so I can see your face as I come inside you? Just gasp if that's a yes. Was that a gasp or a groan? Oh my god it was a groan! I'm raping you! No wait, it was a gasp. Oh wait I already came. Hope that's ok."
actually asking for sex is considered not being confident and a mood killer by many people
it's supposed to be one of these things that just happens "romantically" like in disney movies
What Disney movies are you watching?
I tried asking her but she was too busy sucking my dick to answer.
> You can ask again later!
I've had people say this isn't the best idea as it could be seen as pressuring.
Use common sense, obviously. There's nothing wrong with "Hey, I'd still like to have sex with you if you're into it", and obviously something wrong with constantly deluging someone's SMS messenger app with 3 am booty calls.
Depends on frequency and tone.
My personal favorite way to ask for consent is to drop a magnum condom and ask if they're ready to plow while my wad of hundreds sticks out of my pocket. Works every time.
My take on this is that I'm all there with the slutty dress not being an invitation to have someone put their penis in you... but if you suck their cock, then let them rub the head of their cock against your vulva and clit....... that's pretty close to an invitation.
I can at least see how a dude might get caught up in the moment there without being a bad person - where I can't see a good person saying "I don't know what happened, one minute I was just minding my own business, next minute there's a chick with a slutty dress, and before you know it I've got my penis in her"
What I want to know - where was the God damn condom in the story? Why did this chick know so little about sex that she thought there is a fundamental difference between how carnal penetration is compared to oral and just genital rubbing.
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> to your own sense of self-importance?
Ooh, ooh! I know this one! What is 'projection', Alex?
Seriously, this is where we talk about the drama, not "well I FOR ONE know what rape is and the guy discussing it is WRONG I tell you! WRONG!!!"
More and more like SRS every day.
>More and more like SRS every day.
Given how long people have been bitching about this, I think we're like 7x SRS at this point.
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Is that really necessary?
Is your flair supposed to be a dinosaur, a pig or a really weird looking dog? I really want to know.