Drama in /r/OneY when someone says "If someone stops being friends with a girl because she won't date them, then that's a problem on their end. edit: I'm glad to see OneY has the collective emotional maturity of a middle schooler." (np.reddit.com)
SubredditDrama
7 ups - 0 downs = 7 votes
117 comments submitted at 21:15:13 on Jul 21, 2014 by potato1
Well, it kind of does send the implicit message that you think the loss of your imagined romantic prospects is more traumatizing than the loss of their friendship.
So, yeah, it would be kind of insulting to be the target of someone saying what's basically "I'm more upset than I can't fuck you than I am upset that we're not friends anymore." And that's kind of 100% your problem that you created. That said, while it's easier to leave in the face of rejection and lick your wounds, it's you that placed all that importance in their non-existent romantic feelings, then destroyed the only relationship that existed -- a platonic one -- to deal with your feelings.
I think anyone has the right to be pissed off when someone just breaks off a friendship that you value. That right doesn't go away because someone accidentally got their romantic feelings hurt.
> "I'm more upset than I can't fuck you than I am upset that we're not friends anymore."
Maybe if you consider the only difference between friendship and a romantic relationship to be fucking.
People have the right to feel whatever they feel. That being said, people shouldn't feel obligated to date or stay friends with anyone they don't want to.
No, and they likewise shouldn't feel obligated to not understand why someone might be a little pissed off that they blew off a friendship because they got feelings for the other person, who wasn't consulted about those feelings and didn't encourage them.
It's literally your problem if you stop a friendship because of conflicting romantic feelings. That's all I'm saying: the downvoted guy is correct. There is no other responsible party in that.
> who wasn't consulted about those feelings
What does this even mean?
>It's literally your problem if you stop a friendship because of conflicting romantic feelings.
Well, it seems like it's the problem of whoever is upset by it.
No one is owed a romantic relationship and no one is owed friendship. I wouldn't fault either person for not wanting either.
You seem to be arguing that I said that someone is owed friendship. That's definitely not what I'm saying. I'm saying that developing non-friendly feelings is totally on the person who develops them (which is literally what OP said) and that being upset over the dissolution of a friendship, when you don't want it to dissolve, is a perfectly normal reaction.
I don't really see a solution to this really. Do you want the guy to continue hanging around with the girl he has feelings for, even though she doesn't share those feelings, because losing the friendship might upset her?
Uh, I'm not offering a solution. I'm saying that OP, who is downvoted, is correct. Being "friendzoned" is your fault, and acting offended and confused when someone is mad because you call off a friendship because they won't have sex with you is really something you should have expected.
And yeah, it's obviously best for everyone that someone, who can't handle that someone just wants to be their friend, leaves a friendship. That doesn't mean that the person who allegedly "friendzoned" them isn't right to be angry about a situation that they don't create, had no input in, and had no way of stopping other than forcing feelings that aren't there.
>can't handle that someone just wants to be their friend
Most people aren't robots who can turn off or ignore their feelings. Distancing themselves from the person causing that turmoil is a healthy action. Please don't blame the sufferer here.
>because they won't have sex with you
Come on, you already went over this. There's this other thing called romantic feelings, and it doesn't have to involve much but a longing to be with that one person. You're the one who keeps bringing up banging, and it just sounds childish and petty.
>Most people aren't robots who can turn off or ignore their feelings. Distancing themselves from the person causing that turmoil is a healthy action. Please don't blame the sufferer here.
Uh yes, most people are perfectly able to understand that not everyone can be exactly what they want them to be, and don't ragequit all association with them because they don't do exactly what they want them to do.
I've friendzoned someone. I was also friendzoned by two different people. I was full-on in love with one of them and stupidly agreed to make out with her on multiple occasions when it was clear it didn't mean to her what it meant to me. In all three cases, we all remained friends. Hell, one of my female friend is still best friends with the guy she dumped. Some people actually platonically like people so much that they will remain friends with them, because they value their friendship more than their jilted feelings.
This isn't fucking high school. If you dump your friends because they don't conform to the image you invision in your own head, you're the asshole. And yeah, if you discontinue all platonic association with someone because they won't return your romantic intentions, it does sound like sex and things sex-related are the biggest concern in how and why you chose to spend time with that person.
> This isn't fucking high school.
Yes. Perhaps it's time for you to realize that people who experience emotions differently from you aren't necessarily assholes?
> because they won't have sex with you
Is this seriously all you think relationships are?
Well, if you're going to ragequit a friendship because it isn't a relationship, yeah, that kind of implies that the sex and things related to sex are kind of the deciding factor in your continued association with each other.
Why do you assume it's rage quitting and not a sad heartbreaking experience for the person "quitting?"
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> is totally on the person who develops them
Who's saying otherwise?
> that being upset over the dissolution of a friendship, when you don't want it to dissolve, is a perfectly normal reaction.
Of course it is. I've had this happen to me. I was sad at the loss of the friendship, but I could hardly be mad at the girl for not wanting to be friends with me when we couldn't have the relationship she wanted. I'm sure that was hard for her. How can I be mad at her for that?
I figured you were implying it by saying that nobody is owed friendship. It's, uh, a lot more understandable to be upset about ruining a platonic relationship that actually existed versus a romantic relationship that never did outside of someone's fevered imaginings. They're not even remotely comparable.
It's good on you that you weren't mad. I've actually friendzoned someone, who told me later, but we were friends the entire time. I've also fallen in love with my best friend, and elected to never tell her, because she had a boyfriend. I also remained a close friend. Because, in both cases, it appears that our friendship was genuine and not us sticking around like dogs begging for scraps of romantic overtures that were never going to appear.
Yes, I'd be pissed that someone never wanted friendship, and throws all of the platonic feelings and concerns I have for them back in my face because I don't feel the way they do. That's just fucking childish.
You're making this all about you and not considering how other people deal with their feelings.
Apparently some people can't deal with their feelings like adults, and have to hurt other people for not fulfilling their image of what they should be.
Maybe if everyone held everyone else to higher standards, this friendzone bullshit could die an obscure death somewhere where I don't have to fucking hear about it anymore.
I can assure you that people will always have complex emotions that are different from yours. They'll react to things differently and in ways you won't understand. And that's fine. You'll keep being angry because everyone doesn't do exactly what you want them to.
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Really, everyone involved has their right to their feelings, and everyone involved has the right to act how they want to, as long as their actions aren't something that they wouldn't have a right to do in another situation.
I've been the dude in this situation before, where I had a really strong crush on a really cool person, and it became clear it was going to be a normal friendship and nothing more.
When you've got a crush on someone, it can get bad. I'm pretty sure that just as the reward centers of your brain get hit when you're with that person, you suffer a sort of withdrawal when they leave. For me, that withdrawal was tangible, and believe it or not, it actually felt painful. I was mature about it and understood the feelings were not healthy and not the other person's fault and I tried to ignore them, but they were still there nonetheless.
It sounds melodramatic, but neuroscience suggests I'm not wrong: some academic studies have results which suggest that areas of the brain related to physical pain, and other areas of the brain related to drug addiction can be triggered by different types of unrequited love.
Eventually it was just too much. I was sick and tired of spending each night in almost tangible physical pain because I wasn't with my crush.
It definitely wasn't the other person's fault, but I won't take the full blame either -- I never had a choice to be wired this way.