We need feminism to stop 'stare-rape.' (imgur.com)

pics

12845 ups - 9558 downs = 3287 votes

2286 comments submitted at 11:33:50 on Jun 15, 2014 by ardentatheist

  • [-]
  • shrike71
  • 2130 Points
  • 12:20:56, 15 June

The other day, while talking to a few people about harassment, I heard a woman say that she felt uncomfortable when an unknown guy said "hi" to her while walking down the road.

"Don't say 'hi' to a woman on the street. Don't even talk to her. Just keep walking." She said with disgust.

I looked at her and said "If I say 'hello' to you, and you feel threatened as a result - that's not my problem. You have an anxiety disorder."

Sure, there's a line there and 99% of men know it, but really. Let's get back to a normal state of reality. "Stare rape"? "Don't say 'hi'"? C'mon. That's not a world we should have to live in.

  • [-]
  • heytheredelilahTOR
  • 676 Points
  • 12:49:24, 15 June

My mom taught me this: if you get catcalled say nothing, or smile and say "thanks". If some guy walks past you and says "Hi", say nothing or say "Hi" back. It's not like it's an invitation for him to fuck you, nor would he take it as such.

He was chatting me up in Staples while I was looking at office chairs. I wasn't interested, but I wasn't a bitch to him. When he complimented me, I said "thank-you". I left to look around the store, and he followed me. I dodged him, and he found me back at the chairs. I left the store and he followed me to the grocery store where I stayed until I was sure that he was gone. Would this have happened if I had been a bitch and ignored him? There's no way of knowing, but the odds of this happening are so slight, and I was in a well lit area with a cell phone in my hand if I really felt threatened. It weirded me out more than anything.

Is this going to make me reconsider saying "hi" or "thanks" in the future? No! Why should it? This guy was a creeper, and me ignoring him or acting like a bitch would have just made things worse. Don't get me wrong, if he had approached me again, I probably would have freaked the fuck out on him (dude, take a hint!). He crossed a line, but it doesn't change my perspective on how I'm going to react. I'm going to be polite.

I'm not about to make a FB post about how I feel victimized. Was I a bit scared? Maybe. But I don't feel like a victim, and please people, don't turn me into one!

  • [-]
  • rcordova
  • 765 Points
  • 13:34:58, 15 June

But the guy saying "hi" isn't what scared you, STALKING was.

  • [-]
  • PhilTheFreak
  • 191 Points
  • 13:45:14, 15 June

I think their point is that even though there are evil douches out there, you should still stick to just being polite in public.

  • [-]
  • SirNoName
  • 1 Points
  • 14:09:44, 15 June

I didn't realize this was even a problem. I smile at almost everyone I walk past on the street, guy or girl, and tend to get smiles back anyway. I say hi to people I interact with, holding door, stepping out of the way if it's a smaller space.

I thought I was just being nice. I would hate for anyone to take it the wrong way and have a worse day because of it :(

  • [-]
  • Weiner_poopy
  • 1 Points
  • 14:13:53, 15 June

If someone gets pissed off because you hold the door open for them and say "hello," that's not your problem. That person has something internal going on, and there is nothing you can do or not do that is going to make them happy. Keep doing what you do.

  • [-]
  • endofautumn
  • 1 Points
  • 14:21:46, 15 June

This. 100%

  • [-]
  • electrikyle
  • 1 Points
  • 14:44:16, 15 June

I think a lot of times this depends on context. I have seen dudes literally run for a door so the approaching girl wouldn't have to open it herself. Or if the woman is 50 feet away and says, "I'll get it myself" but the guy insists on standing there waiting for her to walk through. As if the chick is just going to throw off her clothes and thank her knight in shining armor for making sure she didn't have to touch a door handle. Even in these circumstances, it may seem polite to just say thank you and move on with your day, but that still implies a level of subservience, that you are not an 'equal' to the male. He went way out of his way for something as simple as a door handle and that starts verging on creepy territory. It's also important to realize just how often this happens to women, especially attractive women. It's pretty much all the time.

On the other hand, if the person has not made it clear that they would prefer to open the door themselves and you still insist, just because they're female and you're "being polite," you have to realize that you are no longer being polite. You are asserting dominance and saying that their preference doesn't matter because you're male and you're going to hold that door open for them whether they like it or not. And suddenly your friendly gesture has become a sign of disrespect.

  • [-]
  • SirNoName
  • 1 Points
  • 14:50:01, 15 June

I never go out of my way to do it. And the only time I would jump ahead to grab the door is if I'm walking with someone.

  • [-]
  • RockFourFour
  • 1 Points
  • 14:12:28, 15 June

You are LITERALLY a RAPIST, SHITLORD.

  • [-]
  • Garrosh
  • 1 Points
  • 14:21:15, 15 June

Only if he's ugly. If he's cute or handsome it's different.

  • [-]
  • thrownormanaway
  • 1 Points
  • 14:30:22, 15 June

Or if it's a woman it's different

  • [-]
  • SarcasticCanadian
  • 1 Points
  • 14:32:24, 15 June

TIL - I'm a (hi or stare) rapist. I'm ugly, and I say hi all the time.

  • [-]
  • Alarid
  • 1 Points
  • 14:34:42, 15 June

Panties hit the floor if you are a hot stalker.

  • [-]
  • JorusC
  • 1 Points
  • 14:42:29, 15 June

If there's one thing I learned from Twilight, it's that girls love it when you sneak in their window while they're sleeping and sniff them.

  • [-]
  • Booblicle
  • 1 Points
  • 14:31:28, 15 June

http://imgur.com/hSjcqZd

  • [-]
  • OKfour
  • 1 Points
  • 14:34:40, 15 June

SHUT YOUR FMOUTH

  • [-]
  • penumbruh
  • 1 Points
  • 14:33:48, 15 June

Kinda sucks that, and if you really think about it it's safe to say, your whole life is affected by the way you end up looking

  • [-]
  • ToySkyline
  • 1 Points
  • 14:38:25, 15 June

The patriarchy sent you didn't it? This is a safe place!! Patriarchy defense gem go!!

  • [-]
  • RAMPANT_NUDIBRANCH
  • 1 Points
  • 14:39:31, 15 June

Step one: Be attractive

Step two: Don't be unattractive

  • [-]
  • Mundius
  • 1 Points
  • 14:43:38, 15 June

Step one: Be rich

Step two: Don't be poor

  • [-]
  • Legacy95
  • 1 Points
  • 14:43:41, 15 June

I can see why this can be a problem for you. Being an Orc in a Human dominated society :(

Justice for Hellscream!

  • [-]
  • mushbug
  • 1 Points
  • 14:49:54, 15 June

Then it's cute.

  • [-]
  • thecoldwarmakesmehot
  • 1 Points
  • 14:37:15, 15 June

This made me laugh. How dare you be polite to strangers, in public!

  • [-]
  • TheJeremyP
  • 1 Points
  • 14:16:15, 15 June

Can't tell if sarcastic or serious. Usually I can figure it out, but reddit has a unique way of surprising me.

  • [-]
  • LastChance21
  • 1 Points
  • 14:21:48, 15 June

I can guarantee it's sarcasm.

  • [-]
  • StoneSwoleJackson
  • 1 Points
  • 14:26:47, 15 June

Sadly it's kind of true... the society we live in attacks ugly people more. If a hot guy smiles at a girl she most likely think he is flirting and enjoy it, but if an ugly guy smiles at her she may think he is a creep.

  • [-]
  • electrikyle
  • 1 Points
  • 14:35:16, 15 June

I don't think this is true at all and is a very male perspective. You're assuming that all women are aching for male attention and just waiting for that 'cute guy' to notice her. You're not presenting the option that she may just be doing her own thing and not really craving attention at all regardless of the guy's attractiveness.

  • [-]
  • brickhouse_des
  • 1 Points
  • 14:20:01, 15 June

For humanity's sake I'm taking it as sarcasm.

  • [-]
  • The-Internets
  • 1 Points
  • 14:26:31, 15 June

Hey, /r/shitredditsays you won't thank me later!

  • [-]
  • brickhouse_des
  • 1 Points
  • 14:32:05, 15 June

It's cool, I've been on their radar before. My karma doesn't mean anything to me so the downvote brigade really doesn't aggravate me.

  • [-]
  • Benjaphar
  • 1 Points
  • 14:38:04, 15 June

I need feminism because:

SirNoName.

  • [-]
  • SirNoName
  • 1 Points
  • 14:48:16, 15 June

K

  • [-]
  • DirtyToilets
  • 1 Points
  • 14:18:21, 15 June

This isn't /r/Circlejerk

  • [-]
  • Warllamaa
  • 1 Points
  • 14:17:57, 15 June

I'm from a small town, we say hi or smile at almost everyone here regardless of whether you know them or not. The people who walk withy their heads down or avert their eyes when you pass are the weird ones

  • [-]
  • nixonrichard
  • 1 Points
  • 14:16:34, 15 June

Please put a trigger warning on your post. I once had a man hold the door for me without first obtaining enthusiastic consent to do so. Suffice it to say, your post brought back a flood of painful feelings . . . and that's your fault.

  • [-]
  • Holovoid
  • 1 Points
  • 14:26:53, 15 June

Please put a trigger warning on your post, a flood of painful feelings literally raped me once and the memory upsets me.

  • [-]
  • oh_no_aliens
  • 1 Points
  • 14:39:45, 15 June

So when you cheat, it's their fault too because heaven forbid someone take responsibility for their actions!!

  • [-]
  • Havok442
  • 1 Points
  • 14:19:49, 15 June

I'm the same way, always friendly and outgoing. If society starts persecuting men for being polite and friendly then what next?

  • [-]
  • mullemull
  • 1 Points
  • 14:19:44, 15 June

But saying hi is part of the patriarchal conspiracy to oppress women

  • [-]
  • kars4kidz
  • 1 Points
  • 14:14:40, 15 June

I think it would be you having a worse day because of it.

  • [-]
  • FartOnAStick
  • 1 Points
  • 14:27:01, 15 June

You must be from the south. Howdy pardner, from the land where being polite is still the norm (TN).

  • [-]
  • Seasniffer
  • 1 Points
  • 14:51:45, 15 June

Honestly I think it's probably a small town thing. We're still pretty polite up here in Wisconsin.

  • [-]
  • Fealiks
  • 1 Points
  • 14:27:04, 15 June

I always say hey too. Some people get flustered because they aren't expecting it, but that doesn't mean I should coddle their anxiety, which is unhelpful to everybody involved. I sometimes get flustered when people greet me and I'm not expecting it too, but that doesn't mean I want to live in a world where people pretend I don't exist to avioid scaring me; if that's the world we live in, we'll all be scared of our own shadows.

  • [-]
  • Tachyon9
  • 1 Points
  • 14:27:54, 15 June

I hold the door for everyone because growing up my grandma would smack in the back of the head if I didn't... Its the polite thing to do

  • [-]
  • thrownormanaway
  • 1 Points
  • 14:46:34, 15 June

Haha. Classic grandma.

  • [-]
  • Turtle-Bear
  • 1 Points
  • 14:28:46, 15 June

I'm from the south. If you are standing next to someone for more than five minutes they are now your best friend.you can talk about pretty much anything with the person. I think it is incredible. Most of the time I am the one who starts talking, but they always stick around.

  • [-]
  • captain_craptain
  • 1 Points
  • 14:30:23, 15 June

That is their problem, not yours. Don't stop being polite because some people don't know how to interact with the world. That would be a tragedy if we all gave up on manners because a small group of idiots feel this way.

  • [-]
  • WilliamRobertJoseph
  • 1 Points
  • 14:33:47, 15 June

I do the same, but apparently now I'm a serial rapist. I've been stare-raping women since puberty.

  • [-]
  • Moonie2013
  • 1 Points
  • 14:36:14, 15 June

Keep up the kindnesses you described above. I am always happy to have a guy (or anyone) hold a door for me and I always say thanks. There are still some gentlemen left whose parents taught them some manners. Getting a smile out of someone passing by is a pleasant surprise these days. Anyone who takes this "the wrong way" has other issues. I also talk to strangers and have met some wonderful people along the way.

  • [-]
  • AzureProdigy
  • 1 Points
  • 14:37:57, 15 June

Same I instinctively hold the door open if I hear someone walking behind me. Sane with smiling, nodding saying hi to people I pass that just the way I was brought up, to be nice to people that I meet/see.

  • [-]
  • CuriouserNdCuriouser
  • 1 Points
  • 14:39:06, 15 June

I'm the same way and I'm a female, I'm sometimes the first to say hi while walking passed somebody on the street,(granted it's usually daytime) whether they are male or female. Sometimes people look at me strange and don't say anything, maybe they think I'm a rapist!

I never would've had the slightest clue this behavior could be considered rape behavior...

  • [-]
  • Nimmock
  • 1 Points
  • 14:42:18, 15 June

Eh, that sort of thing doesn't apply in New York or other major pedestrian cities though. Sure, you should always try to be nice but when there's that man people...

  • [-]
  • SirNoName
  • 1 Points
  • 14:53:00, 15 June

I guess it is kinda context-sensitive.

I live in Atlanta, so I guess we have the "southern hospitality" thing going. But there are still areas where it is best to go "looking straight ahead...I don't care what you are doing...I'm minding my own business, mind your own business, and we'll be fine".

Especially as an upper class, white male...

  • [-]
  • BabbMrBabb
  • 1 Points
  • 14:46:15, 15 June

Seriously. I had no idea this was a problem! Saying hi? Here's a time I'm actually glad to be from the south. Sensitive people these days. Fucking ridiculous.

  • [-]
  • XxSCRAPOxX
  • 1 Points
  • 14:48:06, 15 June

I used to live in the bx, making eye contact was inviting an assault there. I never made eye contact with a single person without it becoming a problem. And I'm a guy. Some places are fucked.

  • [-]
  • mclellac
  • 1 Points
  • 14:10:42, 15 June

Exactly, especially considering that not being rude in public causes a greater risk of confrontation with crazies than being courteous and polite does. From an initial standpoint at least.

  • [-]
  • rcavin1118
  • 1 Points
  • 14:15:20, 15 June

I think you included a "not" that shouldn't be there.

  • [-]
  • MalvolioTheMisguided
  • 1 Points
  • 14:36:17, 15 June

I don't think he was an evil douche, just lonely and confused. If you aren't very good socially, the line between following people around who don't like you and were just being polite, and abandoning every social interaction unless you are dragged along every step of the way can seem pretty thin.

  • [-]
  • siniminstx
  • 1 Points
  • 14:22:24, 15 June

Well, not always. Once they cross a line there's no need to be polite.

  • [-]
  • ChaplnGrillSgt
  • 1 Points
  • 14:25:15, 15 June

And to treating people with respect. Don't assume that because I am a guy I want to fuck you at all cost. That is not only arrogant but sexist.

  • [-]
  • electrikyle
  • 1 Points
  • 14:33:15, 15 June

I think this thread has convinced me that there are more evil douches than genuine people in the world.

  • [-]
  • holyrofler
  • 1 Points
  • 14:53:36, 15 June

Evil is a subjective term - religious, really.

  • [-]
  • wiscondinavian
  • 1 Points
  • 14:53:56, 15 June

Yeah, and I used to not be afraid of a hi. This stupid stalking happens enough times, and I became afraid of the hi.

If someone said horse, you wouldn't be afraid. If someone said horse and then hit you in the face, you wouldn't be afraid. If once a month someone said horse and hit you in the face, you might start being afraid of the word horse.

  • [-]
  • FionaFiddlesticks
  • 1 Points
  • 14:27:30, 15 June

Yes, but after multiple instances where simple politeness was followed by stalking, it's easy to understand why someone would start to question if the politeness is worth the fear. Sure, maybe he would follow no matter what you do. But it's human nature to second guess ourselves. Did my reaction influence his behavior? Would a different response have lead to a different outcome? Etc, etc, ad nauseam. It's an exhausting mental loop for a simple trip to the store.

  • [-]
  • guer_j
  • 1 Points
  • 14:20:19, 15 June

What does that even means?

  • [-]
  • Fifteen-Two
  • 1 Points
  • 14:17:41, 15 June

Its the saying hi that is opening the lines of communication. Its like a sliver of light under a door.

Look, every women I know has been sexually assaulted. Every single one. I know my sister does not want any guys talking to her in public, unless both parties show some interest in having a conversation or interaction. She has been groped, catcalled, followed and harassed and she is done. She's only 115lbs. Every guy is a threat to her, and that makes complete sense to me.

And the guys always start the same way, "hey there, (good looking/sexy/do you know how beautiful you are?/do you have a boyfriend?/etc). So she ignores the "hi" even when it might be from a decent dude because she doesn't want t to take the chance.

  • [-]
  • lurker81
  • 232 Points
  • 13:13:34, 15 June

Hi!

  • [-]
  • Ternial
  • 1 Points
  • 14:04:30, 15 June

reported you rape enabler shitlord

  • [-]
  • allthefoxes
  • 1 Points
  • 14:29:39, 15 June

holy shit you actually did

  • [-]
  • GatitBot
  • 1 Points
  • 14:45:41, 15 June

I know everyone hates people just saying lol. But seriously, lol.

  • [-]
  • sunderkeenin
  • 1 Points
  • 14:46:17, 15 June

Now we all get to be confused as to whether or not /u/Ternial was being sarcastic or not with their intent.

  • [-]
  • bieberhole
  • 1 Points
  • 14:43:12, 15 June

All mods are bastards. Look at this shit lord rape enabler.

  • [-]
  • derstherower
  • 1 Points
  • 14:46:41, 15 June

STOP THE MODRIARCHY!

  • [-]
  • ButtPuppett
  • 1 Points
  • 14:41:03, 15 June

Welp, it's a mod. Run and hide!

  • [-]
  • ejacrobat
  • 1 Points
  • 14:49:50, 15 June

Are you going to do something about this RAPIST ENABLING SHITLORD or just SIT THERE.

  • [-]
  • new_pencil_in_town
  • 1 Points
  • 14:50:50, 15 June

Did he actually report it to the mods? That's funny.

  • [-]
  • dreamshoes
  • 1 Points
  • 14:51:01, 15 June

Oh man, my sides...

  • [-]
  • Ezizual
  • 1 Points
  • 14:20:27, 15 June

> rape enabler shitlord

My new catch-phrase.

  • [-]
  • Cainer666
  • 1 Points
  • 14:34:08, 15 June

also the name of my new band.

  • [-]
  • Ezizual
  • 1 Points
  • 14:37:25, 15 June

And my next cat.

  • [-]
  • ANUS_POKER
  • 1 Points
  • 14:43:26, 15 June

I reported you for doing nothing about the shit lorde!

  • [-]
  • allthefoxes
  • 1 Points
  • 14:44:39, 15 June

Gonna follow through with that or not? ಠ_ಠ

  • [-]
  • ZO1DBERG
  • 1 Points
  • 14:53:32, 15 June

Reported for making that stare rape face at me ^^^shitlord

  • [-]
  • Spaceman_Stan
  • 1 Points
  • 14:47:04, 15 June

Muh triggers!!

  • [-]
  • juone
  • 1 Points
  • 14:08:16, 15 June

STOP RAPING ON THE INTERNET YOU SICK FUCK!

  • [-]
  • Ironcl4d
  • 1 Points
  • 14:47:40, 15 June

Next on Fox News: eRape. Is it happening to your children?

  • [-]
  • umop3pisdnwi
  • 1 Points
  • 14:15:38, 15 June

Online rape is the future.

  • [-]
  • Wyg6q17Dd5sNq59h
  • 1 Points
  • 13:57:18, 15 June

Sicko creeper!

  • [-]
  • Dunkindonuts64
  • 1 Points
  • 14:09:39, 15 June

Don't be so insensitive, creepy is my trigger word!

  • [-]
  • LazyOrCollege
  • 1 Points
  • 14:19:20, 15 June

I know you're joking, but going off of that - tubmlr has completely destroyed any sense of legitimacy that "trigger" words once have. As a victim of a traumatic event myself I certainly have certain words that can give me chills, but I really don't give a fuck. We are literally pussifying our world so intensely that we're going to all be in bubbles soon.

  • [-]
  • LastChance21
  • 1 Points
  • 14:33:13, 15 June

This, so much. First off, and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but i've been told words are rarely triggers and are more often sights, sounds, smells or recreations of situations.

Secondly, triggers are associated with severe trauma. The word is powerful because of these associations and repercussions. Attaching trigger warnings to a subject just because it makes you feel uncomfortable is trivialising the word to uselessness, not to mention disrespectful. Stupid special snowflakes are essentially belittling the experiences of people who have undergone terrible situations including war vets, emergency services, rape victims and the like.

/rant. Sorry, got a bit caught up.

  • [-]
  • oh_no_aliens
  • 1 Points
  • 14:40:18, 15 June

What word would that be?

  • [-]
  • kyz
  • 1 Points
  • 14:32:43, 15 June

PTSD is a real thing. "Trigger warnings" on internet blog posts are a conspicuous display of empathy. The same goes with mentioning you have black/gay/wtfbbq friends. It's intended to be read exclusively by your fellow white and middle-class readership.

  • [-]
  • Daveezie
  • 1 Points
  • 14:44:37, 15 June

None of my wrfbbq friends ever complain.

  • [-]
  • humdrumrum
  • 1 Points
  • 14:13:25, 15 June

TRIGGERED BY THE WORD 'TRIGGER' SHITLORD

  • [-]
  • RAMPANT_NUDIBRANCH
  • 1 Points
  • 14:37:29, 15 June

Trigger Warning: Trigger Warning

  • [-]
  • Lostraveller
  • 1 Points
  • 14:15:42, 15 June

...Trigger is my trigger word.

  • [-]
  • Garrosh
  • 1 Points
  • 14:23:07, 15 June

That's quite recursive, isn't?

  • [-]
  • thrownormanaway
  • 1 Points
  • 14:36:34, 15 June

Circular logic makes sense because circular logic makes sense because circular logic makes sense because...

  • [-]
  • Daveezie
  • 1 Points
  • 14:43:17, 15 June

Recursive is my trigger word! Maths are hard!

  • [-]
  • DrummerBoy2999
  • 1 Points
  • 14:49:12, 15 June

Don't, Be, So, & insensitive are my trigger words! Just stop saying words!

  • [-]
  • Ashken
  • 1 Points
  • 14:12:01, 15 June

He greeted?! Awww, sick!

  • [-]
  • smeltfisher
  • 1 Points
  • 14:14:27, 15 June

He "stare-cummed."

  • [-]
  • guer_j
  • 1 Points
  • 14:21:57, 15 June

No no no, have you looked at his picture? He is a cutie, aww he was just being cute

  • [-]
  • bro-throwaway
  • 1 Points
  • 14:37:44, 15 June

Cis scum

  • [-]
  • I_HateYouAll
  • 1 Points
  • 14:01:10, 15 June

Jesus you piece of shit, take your patriarchy elsewhere

  • [-]
  • Datdus
  • 1 Points
  • 14:07:57, 15 June

Dirty cishet!

  • [-]
  • LastChance21
  • 1 Points
  • 14:33:58, 15 June

I'll have you know I have recently unlocked level 12 privilege, shitlord.

  • [-]
  • Veefy
  • 1 Points
  • 14:16:47, 15 June

Stop right there, criminal scum!

  • [-]
  • PinkZeppelins
  • 1 Points
  • 14:12:14, 15 June

Now follow her into her next post and say 'Hi' again.

  • [-]
  • SarcasticAssBag
  • 1 Points
  • 14:20:33, 15 June

Hi.

  • [-]
  • Iggyhopper
  • 1 Points
  • 14:35:51, 15 June

Hi.

  • [-]
  • good_guy_pleb
  • 1 Points
  • 14:45:45, 15 June

Hi.

  • [-]
  • lotsuvroadkill
  • 1 Points
  • 14:17:22, 15 June

You fuckin lurker

  • [-]
  • Jon_Benet_Rambo
  • 1 Points
  • 14:28:19, 15 June

you sicken me, pervert.

  • [-]
  • kars4kidz
  • 1 Points
  • 14:12:04, 15 June

We don't need scum like you on Reddit.

  • [-]
  • nottoreddit
  • 1 Points
  • 14:12:18, 15 June

Get the sicko!

  • [-]
  • eminthrv
  • 1 Points
  • 14:21:21, 15 June

u wot m8? Say that to me IRL, not online, see what happens.

  • [-]
  • FionaFiddlesticks
  • 1 Points
  • 14:18:54, 15 June

I think what people are missing is that the defensiveness comes from situations like this. Not all women, but many become jaded by the time where a polite response turned into a scary encounter. Some only reach the point of constant self doubt: "if I'm polite to this guy is he going to get scary and follow me?" others have had so many seemingly harmless situations go bad that they have come to a point of just defaulting to seeing a threat everywhere.

I see people get upset when a woman reacts defensively to something innocuous, I get why, but I don't get how the naked fear behind that defensiveness isn't blazingly apparent.

  • [-]
  • Gentlescholar_AMA
  • 1 Points
  • 14:45:28, 15 June

It isn't blazingly apparent because thousands of people are polite to other people every day and a random selection, with no correlation to politeness, is creepy.

The reason the connection isn't apparent is because the connection doesn't exist. A person can still choose to follow you whether or not you choose to mind your manners.

  • [-]
  • seriously_trolling
  • 1 Points
  • 14:45:54, 15 June

I get what you're saying but the whole thing seems childish. I want to be treated equal but I'm going to cry when someone from the opposite sex talks to me? Talk about generalizing a whole gender.

  • [-]
  • ColdYogurt
  • 1 Points
  • 14:51:11, 15 June

There is a lack of empathy here for the experiences these women had to get to the point of making these statements. The statements, out of context, are over the top. People are having knee-jerk reactions to the words.

Ever been leered at, followed or catcalled (maybe all at once)? In a situation where you can't do anything about it (like at work)? You feel violated, demeaned and defenseless. No, it's not like rape, but think about how the person feels - who has had this happen so much that it affects how they view the world.

  • [-]
  • Babyromance
  • 1 Points
  • 14:48:57, 15 June

This. I live in NYC and I get harassed every single day, no matter what I'm wearing. Yes, the majority of it is compliments and salutations, but then every once in awhile, and I'd say still pretty regularly, a guy will follow me aggressively or curse me out for not responding well enough to him. What's the worst that happens to a guy when he's saying hi to a girl? She doesn't respond? I literally walk around with an angry look on my face to try and ward off interaction- I don't have time to sort out the nice guys from the scary ones.

  • [-]
  • Ekorn
  • 1 Points
  • 14:19:30, 15 June

Why would you say Thanks to catcalling? It's one thing to get compliments, but catcalling is not the same, and can be very unpleasant to a lot of people.

  • [-]
  • Daveezie
  • 1 Points
  • 14:47:49, 15 June

But not to everyone.

  • [-]
  • Ekorn
  • 1 Points
  • 14:51:22, 15 June

No, but you're encouraging them by rewarding their unhealthy behavior.

  • [-]
  • TiagoTiagoT
  • 1 Points
  • 13:57:40, 15 June

You never know what type of crazy (if any) a stranger is; for all you know, not reacting could have made things even worse.

Just be a good person (and be yourself, whenever that doesn't conflicts with being a good person).

  • [-]
  • Iam6ft6
  • 1 Points
  • 14:26:56, 15 June

> for all you know, not reacting could have made things even worse.

That's exactly right. "Oh you're too good to say 'hi' to someone when they say 'hi' to you? Well maybe it's time you learned a lesson..."

You can't predict what crazy is going to do.

  • [-]
  • grahamsimmons
  • 1 Points
  • 14:10:16, 15 June

This is where the disconnect lies! You were rightly not so happy to be around that guy once he'd crossed the line from "random dude" to "random creeper". Sure category B is mostly made up of category A, but that does not mean that category A is mostly made up of category B!!

So glad you posted this - it's nice to know not everyone sees guys the way tumblr does.

  • [-]
  • mini_oreos
  • 1 Points
  • 14:20:17, 15 June

This sort of thing has happened to most women at least once in their lives. It happened to me twice. I still say hi and smile (unfortunately that's my body's natural response even though I wish I could be bitchy). Apart from that when men less aggressive it's flattering, but it's absolutely in a woman's right to respond however she likes. I don't get angry over it, but if some jane doe does, I wouldn't dismiss her feelings, either, just as I wouldn't dismiss a guy who was pissed off over a girl who might do the same thing.

  • [-]
  • boxofcookies101
  • 1 Points
  • 14:22:24, 15 June

Yeah see I wish guys would understand that there's a line. Although the line is really thin and hard to see it's still a line. I'd cold approach a woman say hi. Give her a compliment and go on about my day. (I'm assuming if the girl like a you or finds you attractive she'll return the compliment or take initiative and seek you out again). Or ask her out right then and there. If she says no. Move on. If she says yes. Exchange numbers. That's not creepy right??

  • [-]
  • boffan2
  • 1 Points
  • 14:35:19, 15 June

> Is this going to make me reconsider saying "hi" or "thanks" in the future? No! Why should it? This guy was a creeper, and me ignoring him or acting like a bitch would have just made things worse.

This is key. I got into pickup, and this is certainly not the most socially acceptable thing. "OMG you talk to random women? what a creep". I certainly have creeped out MANY women. I am not ashamed of that. The only thing more awkward than creeping out women is not creeping out women and stay socially awkward for the rest of your life.

Anyway, the thing women did that most reinforced any creepy behavior on my part was reacting as if I was creepy. Yes, that may seem odd, contradictory or confusing, but if you treat a creeper like a creeper, he will stay a creeper. No amount of shaming will change anything. Be polite, unwavering and non-threatening.

This is not to say it is the woman's fault for being approached by a creeper. But it means that you, as a woman, can step up. In my opinion, there is nothing sadder than a person who thinks of himself as a creep. It's up to him and maybe a little bit his psychotherapist to figure that out. In the meantime, treat him as a human being. Never let him cross a boundary, though.

  • [-]
  • thecoldwarmakesmehot
  • 1 Points
  • 14:35:56, 15 June

> My mom taught me this: if you get catcalled say nothing, or smile and say "thanks". If some guy walks past you and says "Hi", say nothing or say "Hi" back. It's not like it's an invitation for him to fuck you, nor would he take it as such.

Your mom sounds like a smart lady.

Yesterday I was returning books to the library, putting them in that book return slot. This guy walks up, muttering. I ignored him. When I walked back to my car, he was standing 2 car spots away, and he tells me I have nice legs. I said "Thank you" because I didn't want to be rude, and frankly, it was nice that someone noticed my stems. Was I interested? No, but I wasn't going to be a bitch about it.

Did I feel like I had been "Stare-raped"? I don't even know what the fuck that is. Yes, their is a Male Gaze. But there is also a Female Gaze. How about we learn to take a compliment, and be more gracious and kind to one another? Isn't that a good place to start?

Bitches need to chill the fuck out.

  • [-]
  • adv0589
  • 1 Points
  • 14:12:28, 15 June

You are missing the point, people say hi to each other or good morning when they walk around regardless of gender, not really the same situation

  • [-]
  • Maiotome
  • 1 Points
  • 14:29:43, 15 June

It's normal at 6am because there's a professional respect that comes from waking up early. However, doing it anything later than the afternoon can create misunderstandings of flirtation. Honestly it's important to understand the difference. Often when I walk home in the evening, guys will try ask me out for a drink and it's really important to keep an emotionless face as I walk past. If you give them any leeway, they could insist on getting to know you more. Occasionally guys have run across the street or sprinted down the entire road, because I may have given them a slightest hint of attraction. It's nice to be polite, but it's more important not to mislead people.

  • [-]
  • greg_barton
  • 1 Points
  • 14:15:53, 15 June

While the guy's behavior was inappropriate borderline stalky your reaction was perfect.

  • [-]
  • Maiotome
  • 1 Points
  • 14:25:11, 15 June

I think it's just better to not lead the guy on. If a you say "hi" back, he's going to want to initiate a conversation. The fact is, there are certain places for meeting and talking to people. There are coffee shops, pubs, clubs and so on. You're not obligated to talk to anyone. I live in the inner city and no one cares, they'll just presume you don't speak English.

  • [-]
  • Iam6ft6
  • 1 Points
  • 14:25:57, 15 June

> My mom taught me this: if you get catcalled say nothing, or smile and say "thanks".

Walking in the park the other day, a strange looking dude walked past me going the opposite direction. As we passed he said, "I like your shirt; it really looks good."

I said, "Thanks" and continued on with my day.

  • [-]
  • AzDopefish
  • 1 Points
  • 14:26:40, 15 June

What if this dude was just having a really shit day and accidentally kept running into you while going about his day. "Shit now she thinks I'm stalking her... I'm just going to go check out the chairsFUCK SHES ALREADY HERE.. Runs out to grocery store to pick up some groceries before finally heading home.. Lo and behold he is 90% certain.. This chick is fucking stalking him because there she is.

  • [-]
  • JakeTheSnake0709
  • 1 Points
  • 14:28:15, 15 June

Hog do you know he was stalking you? It could have been a complete coincidence.

  • [-]
  • dactylo
  • 1 Points
  • 14:28:55, 15 June

I think the difference here is that these young women are probably talking about older men. I don't support what they're doing, but I can understand it. When you're young & you see old men leering at you (by which I mean, not just saying "hi" but staring constantly, trying to move close to you, trying to touch you, looking at you with "hungry eyes" as I call it, trying to look down your shirt or up your skirt), it's sickening. Literally sickening. It makes you feel extremely unsafe & disgusting.

There's a big difference between someone giving an interested "hi" & a nod, & the 60-year-old man I saw in the metro 2 nights ago who ogled me & moved just in front of my seat so he could stare down my shirt while literally gasping & shaking his head as if in awe, & then thought it was alright to touch my back when I stood up to move away from him. Technically, all he did was watch me & then help direct me with his hand, as happens every day in the metro, but the difference was how he was looking at me.

That unsafe, scared feeling he left me with was intentional; he knew what he was doing & wanted to have that effect, & I've seen it before. Got assaulted by someone more than 3x my age when I was 18, & the way he looked at me will stay forever in my head. It was like he was looking through my clothes, but worse. Like he was looking at me in my weakest state by making me some underage kid in his head. To him, I was 12, & that's how I feel every time someone looks at me like that -- 12, innocent, terrified, a child with a child's body. And what makes being looked at like this worse is not being able to react appropriately & confront that fear for fear that others will think you're overreacting.

  • [-]
  • kazztikoko
  • 1 Points
  • 14:32:35, 15 June

I'm sorry, but if someone catcalls me on the street, I'm not going to say "Oh, thank you!" to "Nice tits", it's rude, it's obnoxious, and I'm not going to pretend it isn't. If someone is making me uncomfortable, I'm not going to be polite back. If you're wolf-whistling at me out of car windows, fuck you, it's obnoxious, and I won't pretend I'm flattered.

As a general rule, I prefer to be more polite than is necessary, but I will not respond to blatant disrespect with a soft smile and a thank you. I am a person, and I expect that basic level of politeness.

  • [-]
  • Amigomontoya
  • 1 Points
  • 14:32:58, 15 June

Catcalling is not ok.

  • [-]
  • Iggyhopper
  • 1 Points
  • 14:34:34, 15 June

> Would this have happened if I had been a bitch and ignored him?

Yes.

  • [-]
  • Legacy95
  • 1 Points
  • 14:41:34, 15 June

Yeah I agree with this. As a guy, if you compliment a girl and she doesn't seem interested you give it a rest, and maybe try again once or twice if you see her again in the next few days. The problem is that since these so called "feminists" get so much attention these days, even saying hi to someone is considered creeping by quite a lot of people. I feel like there needs to be some sort of opposite movement to get things back to normal. Like a "say hi to everyone you pass" day lol.

  • [-]
  • bruvbro
  • 1 Points
  • 14:41:37, 15 June

What if he wasn't following you and it was just a coincidence that he ran into you?

  • [-]
  • LetsWorkTogether
  • 1 Points
  • 14:41:53, 15 June

> He was chatting me up in Staples while I was looking at office chairs. I wasn't interested, but I wasn't a bitch to him. When he complimented me, I said "thank-you". I left to look around the store, and he followed me. I dodged him, and he found me back at the chairs. I left the store and he followed me to the grocery store where I stayed until I was sure that he was gone.

Tip for the future: inform a store employee that you are being followed and would like that to stop, loud enough for all parties to hear it clearly. It should defuse the situation.

  • [-]
  • Dragonheart91
  • 1 Points
  • 14:42:50, 15 June

In the future, the second he crosses the line just be super clear that you aren't interested. It may be "bitchy" but if someone is starting to follow you they should be told to leave you alone.

And if that doesn't stop them, then you've got a really scary situation and should probably call the police.

  • [-]
  • Saxi
  • 1 Points
  • 14:43:29, 15 June

It is a shame this is the world we live in, so much fear (rightly so). I am not a women, but I have similar fears with my 7yo boy. You just can't trust anyone, and you always have to be defensive.

  • [-]
  • bnkb
  • 1 Points
  • 14:44:20, 15 June

I had something slightly similar happen to me. In general, when I pass someone while going somewhere, I smile at them (I'm a woman). This usually isn't a problem and they just smile back and continue about their business.

One man, however, reacted very differently than I had come to expect. I was walking past and gave a polite smile but then he decided to turn around and start following me, asking me how I was and what I was doing later. I will admit that it scared me a little bit, but it hasn't made me stop smiling at people, either! One outlier won't change my behavior.

  • [-]
  • TubesBestNoob
  • 1 Points
  • 14:47:25, 15 June

>  I was in a well lit area with a cell phone in my hand if I really felt threatened. 

That phone wouldn't do you much good if the guy decided to attack you. If pepper spray is available where you live, you may want to consider keeping a small can of it in an accessible location. Not that you would have wanted to spray the guy in this situation.

There are some violent messed up people in this world and the police will likely not show up in time if you call 911.

  • [-]
  • FUCKREDDITFUCKREDDIT
  • 1 Points
  • 14:47:50, 15 June

The male brain is so pathetic. As a male, and avid polygamist, I have never comprehended competition or obsessing over a female on any level what so ever. My brain cannot comprehend sexual jealousy. ~3,500,000,000 females on this planet.. only a pathetic sack of shit obsesses over one. I've never hit on a girl in my life.. and guess what? I never had a problem getting some when I wanted it.

If I was you, I'd have used female privilege to my advantage. Be honest with the loser.. just tell him to fuck right off. If he doesn't, mace and/or taze his sorry ass and leave the scene before you have to waste any more of your time filing a police report.

  • [-]
  • donkeyotee
  • 1 Points
  • 14:49:02, 15 June

I have to say that I think a lot of this type of behavior, along with a lot of other behaviors the different sexes have, can be attributed to the way we evolved to deal with these kinds of thing before there was any such thing as laws, civilization, or even spoken language.

For men we are constantly on the look out for any indication of interest from women. Most of the time we one WILL NOT just out right say they are interested and even when they are they can be very fickle and lose interest over the slightest misstep on the part of the man. All the time while men are looking for body language that may give them the green light women are not only actively looking for any reason to reject a guy if they become disinterested but they also have to balance not being completely rude to a guy who is just being friendly with making sure bot to give off the wrong signals or signals that could be mistaken for a green light because so many men are not good at understanding that the young lady who just returned your smile briefly is not interested. I'm a man so I can't say this for sure but I think for a lot of women it's easier to just be very clear with body language straight off the bat and not have to deal with that shit.

This random stream of consciousness brought to you by last night's drunken Ness hanging over this morning.

  • [-]
  • throwaway569143
  • 1 Points
  • 14:50:42, 15 June

I hate it when I accidentally stalk someone at the grocery store. Say hi to a cute girl and smile, then every isle I go down she's already there. It's like wtf, do we have the same exact shopping lists? And then I'll see her down an isle I'm about to go down, and be like, I'll come back later for this and move on. Then when she shows up at the next isle I'm at, I'll accuse her of stalking me.

  • [-]
  • ALinkToTheCats
  • 1 Points
  • 14:51:41, 15 June

I work at a grocery store and I once rang up a lady who was being followed by a guy in the store. I didn't know it at first, I checked out her stuff and we had a nice conversation and then she walked out. I rang him up with one or two things and he walked out too. But then she came back in and told me that he had been following her since he first saw her and she didn't want to lead him to her car. So I walked her around the store and we bought time hoping he would leave. I found a male bagger to help her out with her groceries to help her feel safer after about 15 minutes of waiting.

I've had a creepy guy go as far as "hiding" his phone and taking pictures of me. It was extremely uncomfortable. But that doesn't mean all guys are creeps or assholes and so you should treat them like shit just because they're guys.

  • [-]
  • luxii4
  • 1 Points
  • 14:54:16, 15 June

I think knowing what to do comes with age. Women have more power than they think they do. When I was young, I was harassed a lot on the bus and I would avoid it or get out of the situation. I was groped on my breast and once, I sat next to some guy and my head was leaning on the window and he kissed my neck and then made kissy faces at me when I looked at him. I was so angry after each instance and it led to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and learned how to speak up for myself. I got a guy kicked off the bus because he grabbed my privates while I was standing since the bus was full. I yelled at him and the bus driver threw him off and everyone yelled things at him. After that, I realized public shaming is a great tool for women. I haven't been bothered for a while but I am super ready if someone ever does anything to me in the future. So now I don't mind if men say hi or smile, I feel I can handle myself but this only applies to public places. If I'm alone and a guy approaches me (usually only happens when I walk to my car at night), I am freaking terrified and just make a run for my car or to a safe place.

  • [-]
  • Username_Is_a_Phrase
  • 1 Points
  • 14:18:49, 15 June

> This guy was a creeper, and me ignoring him or acting like a bitch would have just made things worse.

I think this is an important point. There are two sides to every issue and I feel like bitchy behavior actually contributes to guys being rude. I'm not saying it's right for a guy to act that way, but I can at least understand the motivation behind it. If maybe the past 20 attractive women a dudes seen have all been incredibly bitchy towards him I can understand how at some point he might just not give a fuck anymore. Again not saying I support such behavior though. Then his behavior might lead to a woman feeling defensive and acting like a bitch to the next guy. It's a cycle. By not taking the bait, being polite, and continuing to be nice to the next person you are ending the cycle. By making generalizing accusatory signs, you are contributing to it.

  • [-]
  • bemusedresignation
  • 1 Points
  • 14:35:59, 15 June

It seems like you are saying that his actions are justified and caused by women being bitchy.

  • [-]
  • Username_Is_a_Phrase
  • 1 Points
  • 14:43:28, 15 June

If that's how you want to read it you will, but I pretty clearly stated twice that I don't see the behavior as justified. I just said it's a cycle. A guy being rude to a woman will often lead to that woman being rude to a guy, which will lead to that guy being rude to women, and so on. Just as woman being rude to a guy will often lead to the guy being rude to a woman which will lead to her being rude to a guy. The responsibility `for ending that cycle lies with (general) you, the individual. You can't wait till everyone else has stopped the behavior first or no one will ever stop.

Obviously there's a line where it gets bad enough that you should defend yourself but people in general are probably too sensitive about where that line is. If someone looks at you and you are uncomfortable that line has not been crossed. If someone follows you out of one store to another and follows you around that store, it has, and I actually wish in cases like that people wold speak up more often instead of being intimidated, if there were always negative consequences, the behavior would stop, but only do that if there is a true and real violation going on. A dude simply looking at you is not a violation, a dude you don't like asking for your phone number is not a violation. A guy saying inappropriately sexual things is, a dude following you after you've declined his offer is.

  • [-]
  • 4evrwrong
  • 1 Points
  • 13:59:54, 15 June

I'm glad it worked out alright, but you were victimized. The fact that your mother has to teach you this shit is like a black parent teaching their child to say "yes sir" "yes ma'am" and move out of the way for white people. The fact that you know some techniques that help keep you safe in a world that accepts harassment as normal doesn't mean the harassment doesn't exist.

  • [-]
  • silentplummet1
  • 1 Points
  • 14:08:59, 15 June

Hi!

  • [-]
  • DuncanCooper
  • 1 Points
  • 14:10:59, 15 June

Username checks out.

  • [-]
  • xraysrdelish
  • 1 Points
  • 14:04:52, 15 June

I was agreeing with you, until I continued reading. WTF?

  • [-]
  • MagisterStu
  • 1 Points
  • 14:08:01, 15 June

No... It's more like teaching your child to be polite in an impolite world.

  • [-]
  • sensavergogna
  • 1 Points
  • 14:14:02, 15 June

I'm sorry, why should she be polite to somebody who is catcalling her? Why should she be polite to somebody who is clearly treating her like an object and doesn't care at all about her as a person because she's just a pretty body to them? They're not doing it to be polite, why should she be polite to them?

  • [-]
  • MagisterStu
  • 1 Points
  • 14:30:22, 15 June

I understand your point of view. I honestly believe that being impolite back is just a way to lower yourself to that person's level. That and some people may not realize the gravity of what they're doing, they simply do not realize the line that they are crossing. Those people aren't exactly mentally stable and being mean to them doesn't help, and in some rare cases only aggravates them into doing something more drastic. I've worked with antisocial, mildly autistic, and mildly retarded people. They do things that they don't realize make others uncomfortable. Sure, it's not the same a being a total creep, but similar rules apply until the line is crossed where the police needs to get involved. I think she is the right thing, and she could have called the cops if that person showed up again.

  • [-]
  • MrTimSearle
  • 1 Points
  • 14:09:03, 15 June

Sorry..... What?

  • [-]
  • ZOMBIE002
  • 1 Points
  • 14:11:18, 15 June

you might need help sir

  • [-]
  • just4thelolz
  • 1 Points
  • 14:27:02, 15 June

Being taught to be careful with strangers isn't being victimized. It's common sense and every parent does it (or should anyway). I am a man and my parents taught me that stuff. It's normal. Don't get into a stranger's car. Don't leave your drink unattended. Always be with friends after dark. That's just stuff you have to hear as a kid/teen because the world isn't all lollypops and rainbows.

  • [-]
  • HIITisKING
  • 1 Points
  • 14:13:03, 15 June

Say "thanks" after being cat-called? Are you kidding me with this shit?

  • [-]
  • Anne372
  • 1 Points
  • 14:03:02, 15 June

I completely agree with what you said. I also agree with what your mom taught you.

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • -56 Points
  • 13:40:36, 15 June

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • Overburdened
  • 25 Points
  • 13:50:04, 15 June

yeah lets just shoot those stare-raping and hi-saying monsters

  • [-]
  • targustargus
  • 1 Points
  • 13:54:48, 15 June

Wait, what? She's supposed to pull out a handgun (which one should never do unless one is prepared to use it) because a guy went into the same public place as her? You're out of your fucking mind.

  • [-]
  • rotating_equipment
  • 1 Points
  • 14:01:13, 15 June

I'm all for women being able to defend themselves, but that was a horrible line of logic on the part of /u/ktmouse. Someone look at you funny? Shoot them! That's not the purpose of self-defense. That's what gang members do.

  • [-]
  • speedisavirus
  • 1 Points
  • 14:08:36, 15 June

Yeah, so I can get shot for being polite to a woman I don't know because saying hello or holding the door for her is so threatening. Fuck that shit.

  • [-]
  • infected_scab
  • 9 Points
  • 13:44:02, 15 June

You moron.

  • [-]
  • tard-baby
  • 1 Points
  • 14:00:10, 15 June

Yay! Free guns for criminals.