Me [21 M] with my girlfriend of close to three years [21 F]; she wants an open relationship and I'm not sure if I can handle it (self.relationships)

relationships

33 ups - 11 downs = 22 votes

Let me start this by saying that I am very much in love with my girlfriend, we've been together basically all throughout college, and before this all started I couldn't have been happier. Last weekend, she told me that she wanted to explore the idea of having an open relationship, because she felt that her sexuality was trapped by the conventions of our monogamous relationship. She had felt this way before, but with the end of college approaching, she feels like she should be getting out there a bit more. I didn't respond very well to this, and we've been fighting kind of a lot about it. It usually starts with us thinking about it, and ends with me questioning myself and us as a group. She says that she still loves me and wants to have emotional exclusivity, but I don't know if I can handle being left alone in that way.

To make matters worse, we were talking yesterday and I asked her not to be with anyone close to me, so that it didn't poison any of my existing friendships. She hesitated, and I asked her if she was already thinking of someone in particular, one of my best friends, who lives right upstairs and often hangs out with the two of us. I didn't get the whole story, but apparently he had chastised her for being unduly flirtatious a few weeks ago (so as not to hurt my feelings...), at which point she admitted that she was interested in him, and it sounded like he said it was mutual. I had been suspecting that she liked him for a long time, and was kind of making myself crazy about it, not wanting to distrust either of them, but also constantly thinking something is up.

As it is right now, I said we can do it if it makes her happy, because I'm not ready to give up on this yet. I just don't really know what to do, because the only person I would talk to about this is at the center of my whole problem. Basically, I'm wondering what you do when both sides of an issue make sense, but when the issue itself is so emotional that logic kinda gets thrown out the door.

TL;DR: GF wants an open relationship, and wants to be with one of my best friends. The problem is, I actually see her perspective and think it's pretty reasonable.

88 comments submitted at 04:18:30 on Nov 16, 2013 by temprray

  • [-]
  • onlyone21
  • 48 Points
  • 04:31:46, 16 November

You are 21 dude. Don't deal with this bullshit if you are not comfortable. Move on and find a woman who will not want to fuck your best friend. You are lucky she is telling you this already, so you can get out before she cheats on you.

  • [-]
  • temprray
  • -22 Points
  • 04:36:01, 16 November

But this is exactly my point. She's trying to not cheat on me by doing the only thing she knows how: requesting an open relationship. Doesn't that mean that she wants this to work, but in the framework of something where she doesn't feel trapped or constricted by social norms?

  • [-]
  • zerosilver
  • 27 Points
  • 04:44:18, 16 November

Or she doesn't have the guts to just break up with you, so she's requesting the open relationship in an attempt to make you the bad guy.

If you don't want to open the relationship, you're in no way obligated.

  • [-]
  • onlyone21
  • 20 Points
  • 05:27:06, 16 November

OP. Look at all these responses. Your girlfriend knows what she is doing. She wants to be able to fuck this guy and be in the clear because you let her. All because you fucking love her.? What kind of bullshit ideas has this girl given you. If she really loved you she wouldn't give two fucks about only being with you. If she truly did love you she would be 100% happy just to be all yours. But, no. Don't be fooled. Leave this chick. Learn from it. Grow from it.

Form a relationship with someone who doesn't use stupid excuses to sleep with other men. Good luck OP. I seriously hope you make the right choice.

  • [-]
  • noreallynoway
  • 14 Points
  • 06:42:00, 16 November

I have the feeling he won't make the right choice.

  • [-]
  • onlyone21
  • 7 Points
  • 06:52:47, 16 November

We aren't the only ones who think that. He is a grown up. He will have to learn how to deal with shit some day.

  • [-]
  • jellybeannie
  • 7 Points
  • 04:46:44, 16 November

Of course she would like to be able to have everything, you and the other guy and anyone else too. So would I. It's why I am in an open relationship myself, and very happy that way. BUT you can only make it successfully work when the other people you're with are on board with it. If you're fighting so much about this, I'm not sure it's for you.

  • [-]
  • SoMuchMoreEagle
  • 3 Points
  • 07:06:36, 16 November

And since he would only be doing it because she wants to, it probably isn't a good idea either. This will only lead to hurt feelings and a messy break-up.

  • [-]
  • ShelfLifeInc
  • 8 Points
  • 06:46:24, 16 November

In this life, you can't always get everything you want.

Sure, you can understand that she feels sexually restricted and wants to try some other sexual experiences, even though she's still in love with you. That's completely normal. But is she also seeing it from your perspective, that her initiating physical closeness to one of your close friends is going to make you feel insecure? Is she going to put her sexuality over your feelings? Or is she going to put your feelings over her needs and wants?

If you tell her you don't want an open relationship, she'll be hurt. She might even leave you over it. If you let her have an open relationship, it'll hurt your feelings, and your relationship. She may even fall in love with this other guy and leave you for him.

The only way this can work is if you BOTH want an open relationship.

I'm in an open relationship. My partner has another girlfriend, I have no other lovers. The reason our relationship works is because, no matter what he does with whomever, I have never doubted how completely committed he is to me.

Plus, I get to enjoy the perks of not having a jealous boyfriend. It's a win/win situation for us, though there was a good year of doubt, confusion, hurt, and anxiety whilst we got it all sorted.

I repeat, this will only work if you BOTH want it, and if you both trust each other and feel comfortable with your partner seeing other people.

From what you've described, you don't feel comfortable. You want to make her happy, but the only way you can do that is at the expense of your own feelings.

Sorry, but this is most likely the death knoll for your relationship. She wants something you can't give her.

  • [-]
  • lizkirtland
  • 6 Points
  • 06:44:04, 16 November

It means she's going to cheat but she didn't want to be the bad guy so she is guilting you into agreeing to it.

  • [-]
  • istara
  • 4 Points
  • 08:10:52, 16 November

She wants to have her cake and eat it. She wants to fuck other guys.

>"she felt that her sexuality was trapped by the conventions of our monogamous relationship"

Jesus wept.

  • [-]
  • AlvinQ
  • 4 Points
  • 09:32:17, 16 November

This is not about social norms. This is about her wanting your permission to cheat on you without feeling guilty. If you are uncomfortable with the idea that she sleeps around, end it. This won't end well for you.

  • [-]
  • anon_g12
  • 2 Points
  • 10:17:05, 16 November

Are you in this relationship for fun? Seriously, answer that question.

Are you just in it for shits and giggles or do you want to marry this woman some day?

Because, imo, a woman who wants to sleep around on you is not wife material. So if you're looking for a wife instead of a girlfriend, then it's a no-brainer. You need to bail and find a woman who will treat you like you treat her.

If you're just in it for the sex (aka you just want a girlfriend) then what the hell, might as well stick with it. It's gonna end one way or another anyway.

Also, if you best friend does this (even with your blessing) he's not a very good friend at all. He should know better to take advantage of his friend being manipulated.

  • [-]
  • The_Thought_Police
  • 2 Points
  • 11:56:29, 16 November

You are quite dense, aren't you. Relationships are always going to be the same, excuses for cheating may vary. People have been doing this since the days of Homer, what new grounds do you think this is going to break into?

  • [-]
  • pachan
  • 1 Points
  • 12:57:08, 16 November

if she would be attracted to you as much as to your friend, she wouldnt have desire to fuck with him.

you are a good stable guy and good boyfriend, but you are not attractive enough or not good enough in bed.

if she loved you as much as you love her, she would not have any interest in any other men.

  • [-]
  • kireidasha
  • 1 Points
  • 12:58:00, 16 November

This might be what she's thinking.... But subconsciously or not, she's treating you as a back up. It's true she probably still has feelings for you and is very confused, hence her proposal for an open relationship; but as everyone has pointed out, it's time for you to put your foot down... Agreeing to this will only screw you over...

  • [-]
  • bubbleuj
  • 61 Points
  • 04:26:16, 16 November

If you said no, what do you think she would do?

since she,

a)already has feelings
b)apparently they're mutual
c)she's already flirting with him
d) your gut is already telling you something is going on

There is no way, this goes down without you getting screwed over.

  • [-]
  • generousheart
  • 54 Points
  • 05:12:05, 16 November

Yeah, it's not just an open relationship she wants. She wants to test the waters with a new guy before dumping the old one. This way, she can go boyfriend shopping while still having OP to fall back on!

  • [-]
  • bubbleuj
  • 10 Points
  • 05:21:31, 16 November

Also according to RSS I've given you like 111 upvotes. So many agreements, augh.

  • [-]
  • bubbleuj
  • 6 Points
  • 05:15:32, 16 November

Yup, that exactly what I was thinking. She's taking the other guy out for a trial run whether she knows it yet or not.

It doesn't matter how intellectual people are, when it comes to emotions and being introspective, being able to talk about "power structures" and parroting how monogamy is oppressive doesn't do shit.

OP's one condition is that she not sleep with his bestie--omg someone call the patriarchy police.

  • [-]
  • Sommiel
  • 4 Points
  • 09:14:05, 16 November

I call this "cutting another pony from the herd."

  • [-]
  • paintedLady318
  • 17 Points
  • 04:29:00, 16 November

You're not obligated to agree to this change in your relationship. Tell her to drop the topic or pack her shit.

  • [-]
  • temprray
  • -9 Points
  • 04:33:30, 16 November

It's not that easy though. I don't want to break up with her. I want us both to be happy, which it looks as though might not be possible. She has definitely been happier since we've decided to start talking about this, which makes me think that she was seriously upset by how we were living before. Don't I have an obligation to try to maker her as happy as possible?

I don't know, this is just the quandary that i've been struggling with

  • [-]
  • AladdinDaCamel
  • 10 Points
  • 04:44:19, 16 November

I don't know everything about relationships, but I think in a good relationship, you also have an obligation to make yourself happy sometimes. She also has an obligation to make you happy in addition to you having an obligation to make her happy. Relationships I feel like are only really good when they make both people happy. If you're not going to be happy, you should probably tell her to "drop the topic or back her shit" I think.

  • [-]
  • temprray
  • -8 Points
  • 04:45:57, 16 November

That's true, and that was basically my first reaction, like "why can't you just do this so I'll be happy?" but apparently she was pretty unhappy before, being constricted to a single partner, but stuck it out because she loves me, so why can't I do the same?

  • [-]
  • defiantgrit
  • 19 Points
  • 06:31:23, 16 November

Because this is going to make you not just unhappy, but miserable. Utterly miserable. You're going to lose your best friend and your girlfriend. Is that fair just because she can't control herself?

You have a very unrealistic view of how relationships should work. You don't put imaginary deposits into a bank of happiness and then both of you get to make withdrawals as you see fit, so when one person is making more withdrawals than the other the other has to turn around and make up for all that happiness being removed from the account. The way real, beneficial, and adult relationships work is the two of you consistently, and over time, having realistic and similar goals and beliefs about the relationships.

You don't just try on non-monogamy just to make someone else happy. You don't sacrifice your beliefs just because she's unhappy. If she's that unhappy being in a monogamous relationship she can break up with you and go be with as many guys as she wants.

You're teaching her all the wrong lessons here. You're teaching her that all she has to say is "I'm not happy." and you'll bend over backwards to make her happy. Is that a healthy attitude in the context of a relationship? Where you're willing to forgo your own happiness for someone else? This isn't the fucking movies kid. This is real life. And the reality of this situation right here is that she didn't even have respect for you enough to not want to bang your best friend as a part of the open relationship.

On top of this you already set parameters around the open relationship and she doesn't want to follow them. If you truly are going to try for an open relationship then she has to communicate with you and compromise with you. You gave her the open relationship and said "Don't bang someone I know." she chose your best friend. Not a stranger she met at a bar. Not a co-worker you've never met. Not a classmate you know nothing about. You set a rule in this farce of an open relationship and she smashed it through it so badly by deciding she wants to bang your best friend. She couldn't have chosen any worse unless she chose your brother or father.

So tell me, who is sacrificing the most here? You don't want an open relationship, you give her one. You don't want her to be with anyone you know she chose your best friend. So what's next?

  • [-]
  • noreallynoway
  • 3 Points
  • 06:46:17, 16 November

Wise words but I have the feeling OP won't care and allow his girlfriend to fuck his best friend because he wants her to be "happy".

  • [-]
  • SoMuchMoreEagle
  • 2 Points
  • 07:36:07, 16 November

He will care. It will eat at him until it ruins his relationship and friendship.

  • [-]
  • noreallynoway
  • 4 Points
  • 07:42:26, 16 November

Oh yeah I know that. I meant OP won't care about the advice he gets on here.

  • [-]
  • SoMuchMoreEagle
  • 3 Points
  • 07:57:59, 16 November

It's funny. Most people come on here hoping that reddit will tell them they are right. It's like OP wants us all to tell him he's wrong and it is totally reasonable for his gf to fuck other guys, even his friends, despite the fact he doesn't want her to.

  • [-]
  • noreallynoway
  • 2 Points
  • 08:11:38, 16 November

Yeah, if he really was looking for advice he wouldn't keep making up excuses for her. "Destroying the societal norms" lol.

  • [-]
  • paintedLady318
  • 1 Points
  • 13:35:38, 16 November

No. I believe OP is a troll after reading all his stupid replies.

  • [-]
  • random_reddit_accoun
  • 2 Points
  • 10:09:26, 16 November

> Because this is going to make you not just unhappy, but miserable. Utterly miserable.

I believe you understate how destroyed the OP will be.

  • [-]
  • lizkirtland
  • 1 Points
  • 06:42:49, 16 November

This right here.

  • [-]
  • AlvinQ
  • 1 Points
  • 12:29:33, 16 November

You've been brainwashed into thinking it's your job to make her happy.

And she's tapping into that brainwashing to guilt-trip you into a decision that will make you unhappy.

Don't go down that road.

  • [-]
  • LtBeard
  • 7 Points
  • 05:19:19, 16 November

If she wants this, and you don't, then she's a different person than the person you loved.

You love the girl who doesn't want to sleep with other guys. But now she is the girl that does want to sleep with other guys. If you don't want it, tell her you don't want it, or that it's over.

Don't "try and make it work" just because you're in love with an idea of her instead of who she actually is. She wants this and really, just because you say no, it won't make her not want it. She always will at least want it, whether she acts on it or not. And over time, one or both of you will begin to resent the other. Her happiness isn't worth yours.

  • [-]
  • Sommiel
  • 3 Points
  • 09:16:23, 16 November

>If she wants this, and you don't, then she's a different person than the person you loved.

This. Exactly this.

  • [-]
  • Hank_Co_Ind
  • 7 Points
  • 06:06:37, 16 November

> I don't want to break up with her.

Considering she has already dumped your sorry ass for your best friend, does that really matter?

  • [-]
  • defiantgrit
  • 5 Points
  • 06:21:24, 16 November

Are you going to be happy with her fucking your best friend? Because she's going to. She doesn't want an open relationship. What she wants is permission to bang whoever she wants while having you as her safety monkey/security blanket.

The quandary you're struggling with is the fact that you don't want to be open. But you're so misled about what true love actually is you think making this sort of sacrifice is normal.

Let me tell you this from the perspective of a 31 year old guy who had multiple GFs in his early twenties and now has found "the one".

It's not.

The right person for you isn't someone who is going to make you compromise your feelings for theirs. This isn't something you compromise on. Either you are okay with an open relationship or you're not. You can't just "explore this to make her happy."

Real relationships that are beneficial and adult do not work this way. You make sacrifices but not ones like this. You do not sacrifice your happiness in this facet just so you can stay with her. That is pathetic. She obviously wants to fuck your best friend. You obviously don't want her to. She's obviously trying to get you to agree to it by asking you for an "open relationship" so you can.

The other things she brings up "being constricted by societal norms" are just bullshit to distract you from the topic at hand. You don't want an open relationship. She does. This is not something you compromise on just to make her happy. This is something you say "No." to and if she can't deal with that then you break up.

I don't care how much you think you love this girl, there ain't no one in the world out there worth compromising your belief set in this fashion over.

  • [-]
  • SoMuchMoreEagle
  • 2 Points
  • 07:40:17, 16 November

This "social norms" crsp sounds like something she picked up in a college class. She doesn't care about that. She just thinks his friend is hot.

  • [-]
  • Thundahcaxzd
  • 2 Points
  • 07:02:35, 16 November

if you love something, let it go. if she wants to be free to run around and fuck people at her whim (NTTAWWT) then let her go. if she comes back, then she loves you. but don't cling to this relationship while she does things that you aren't ok with.

> Don't I have an obligation to try to make her as happy as possible?

no. no you don't.

  • [-]
  • DeliciousApples
  • 1 Points
  • 12:20:30, 16 November

Does she not have the same obligations to you. Open relationships work on trust and rules. You set down a rule, no one I'm friends with, and she wouldn't respect that. Shouldn't that tell you all you need to know?

  • [-]
  • pachan
  • 1 Points
  • 12:59:23, 16 November

> Don't I have an obligation to try to maker her as happy as possible?

and she doesnt have that obligation?

and, no its not your job to make her happy. its your job to make yourself happy. and what YOU need to be happy is your girlfriend only having sex with you. so you have to find a woman who does not want anybody but you.

  • [-]
  • foshrox
  • 1 Points
  • 13:19:36, 16 November

She is going to fuck your best friend, try and imagine it because the next time you see him after they do it he will probably have this shit eating grin when he looks at you and she will be dumping you in a matter of days after the fact

  • [-]
  • hammertime999
  • 1 Points
  • 14:01:17, 16 November

Quit being a fucking idiot and break up with her right now.

  • [-]
  • RagingOrator
  • 23 Points
  • 05:05:34, 16 November

Stop making excuses!

I read your post, and I've read all your responses. Do you know what they tell me?

You are man desperately trying to justify something that will tear you apart.

> We're both really interested in critiquing power structures, and she's trying to defy the monogamous structure that is essentially false and imposed for the purpose of ensuring male dominance.

That is complete bullshit.

She wants to fuck your best friend! She wants to let him fuck her. To strike a blow against male dominance power structure? Fucking please.

She wants to fuck other guys, your friend to be specific and she wants to you sit on the sidelines being ok with it.

How do you think this will end? She will fuck your best friend, and suddenly come running back into your arms? How are you going to feel being with her knowing that your friend has been with her to.

For the sake of pity, tell her no and if she doesn't back off then end it. I don't know how many times I have to watch guys get bullied into open relationships, and get fucking destroyed by it.

Don't be another causality.

  • [-]
  • paintedLady318
  • 1 Points
  • 13:34:00, 16 November

And she only brought up the "open relationship" after she was already flirting and listing after the best friend.

The ignorance of all of ops responses has my troll radar goin off.

  • [-]
  • armchair_anger
  • 8 Points
  • 06:51:22, 16 November

Man, is this legit? This honestly kind of reads like a troll post mocking exaggerated arguments in favour of polyamory.

The whole thing about trying to turn wanting to fuck other people into some kind of philosophical deconstruction of existing power structures is just outright ridiculous. It's trying to elevate a pretty basic desire into some noble pursuit of a higher ideal, in my eyes.

Some people are cool with open relationships, some aren't. That's fine! Everyone has their own preferences and boundaries, and I think that people should be able to pursue whatever they want (as long as it doesn't cause non-consensual harm to others).

Your girlfriend has preferences that she wants to have ongoing sexual relationships with more than one person at a given time. That's fine, there's nothing wrong with that. You have preferences that you want to have an ongoing, exclusive sexual relationship with one partner - that's also totally okay!

The issue is that these preferences are not compatible. You're trying to bend to accommodate her, but she's not willing to even pay lip service to the boundaries you've already stretched for miles beyond what you're comfortable with. You're making this effort to be okay with seeing other people as long as it's nobody close to you, and she's already planning on fucking one of your best friends.

Open relationships don't work without boundaries being respected, the same as exclusive relationships. You're already having a hard time accepting the idea of an open relationship, and she's trying to blow past your boundaries even before you've opened it.

This isn't an issue of power structures or philosophy, this is an issue of your girlfriend doing whatever she wants, and you rolling over and trying to rationalize some way that you can be okay with it. If you don't want to be in an open relationship, don't be. It's only going to poison your feelings towards her and lead to a breakup down the road that's a million times more toxic than just letting her go have her experiences as a single person.

  • [-]
  • Vincethink
  • 26 Points
  • 04:35:07, 16 November

She wants you to stay her bitch while she does a trial run by fucking the other guy (along with emotional intimacy)

Does that sound like a good or smart deal for you?

  • [-]
  • The_Lone_Noblesse
  • 6 Points
  • 05:22:03, 16 November

This one right here.

  • [-]
  • Master_Z
  • 5 Points
  • 05:46:25, 16 November

Tell her NO & if she keeps pressing break up with her, she doesn't respect your boundaries

or

Relax, say Okay, but NO to the Best friend, and you put most of your energy into fiding another girl for yourself and both of you try it out

BTW as a poly person myself, anyone who brings up monogamy bashing is just a stupid coward

  • [-]
  • throwaway77898977
  • 5 Points
  • 07:46:58, 16 November

She's certainly defying male power structure alright. Looks like she has started out by making you her cuckold, and now is going to get plowed by someone who actually has a spine.

Judging by your replies, you lack the self-respect needed to not cave to her demands. Make sure you give us an update after you have finished "letting" her fuck this dude. I love watching train wrecks.

  • [-]
  • TucoShakur
  • 4 Points
  • 05:15:25, 16 November

Man you can use as many fancy words and excuses and communication this and that happiness blah blah blah.

Long story short she wants to fuck your friend who lives upstairs. She's told your friend this, or heavily implied it. This has little to do with being happy in your relationship. Don't make a stupid mistake.

  • [-]
  • -Dalliance-
  • 4 Points
  • 05:34:01, 16 November

>We're both really interested in critiquing power structures, and she's trying to defy the monogamous structure that is essentially false and imposed for the purpose of ensuring male dominance

Who determined that monogamy is "essentially false"? I would argue that there are benefits to both sexes within that structure, and it's simplistic to claim that it was "imposed" (by whom?) to ensure "male dominance".

More importantly, it doesn't matter if you objectively agree or can understand the 'monogamy-is-false' position, because if monogamy feels right for you, then that is how you should live your life.

Now, what is false is feeling compelled to act in a manner that is inconsistent with your true nature / principles / values / desires.

But if you decide this is something you want to try doing, based on the rationalizations you've made thus far, then you start by dipping your toes in the water. You don't go straight to what can easily be an emotionally devastating and irreparably-damaging event for your relationship and social life; i.e. her sleeping with one of your best friends.

And if you have any conditions she would need to abide by in order for you to feel okay with having an open relationship, then it's only fair for her to accept them without hesitation. She is asking for you to accept her sleeping with other men. That is HUGE, and you don't even know yet if you'd be able to handle it. The least she could do for you is not to sleep with anyone you know or are close to. It's called compromise and understanding.

But notice how she already had someone specific in mind before approaching you about an open relationship? And she had clearly been interested in him for a long time? And she went ahead and flirted with him, making her interest explicit, before you had given your go-ahead? And she hid it until you asked outright?

>I had been suspecting that she liked him for a long time, and was kind of making myself crazy about it, not wanting to distrust either of them, but also constantly thinking something is up.

Your gut feeling was right. And you wanted to trust her, but it turns out you really couldn't.

If I were you (and disregarding any judgment on open relationships in general), the very fact that she approached this so selfishly and self-servingly, without complete honesty from the start, and by violating the currently defined parameters of your relationship, would make me put my foot down. No open relationship, at least for the foreseeable future. And possibly no relationship at all.

  • [-]
  • GUMMERSMAGOO
  • 4 Points
  • 05:34:55, 16 November

This dude is not your friend. Both of these relationships are toxic and you should get out before you get any more hurt to save you from future emotional distress.

  • [-]
  • DisappearCompletely
  • 4 Points
  • 06:26:36, 16 November

This will not end well for you. She has most likely already had your "best" friend and just wants to validate it for herself. If she enjoys the sex with him, you will be put on the back burner, you will become the cuckold. Is that something you're willing to do? Also your friend isn't really your friend; he has clearly put his interest in doing nasty things with your girlfriend over your friendship.

Your relationship has now started to slowly die and will soon in the future. Also this nonsense about challenging power structures has to be the most pathetic attempt to validate your girlfriends desire to suck and fuck other men.

  • [-]
  • Lordica
  • 3 Points
  • 04:51:14, 16 November

This is going to destroy you. If both parties aren't equally enthusiastic about polyamory, it just ends up being one person having to sit and eat their heart out while their partner blatantly fucks around in front of their face.

  • [-]
  • ShelfLifeInc
  • 3 Points
  • 06:49:22, 16 November

Sometimes, people are not compatible because, as much as they love each other, they both want different things.

No matter how much two people love and cherish each other and want a life together, if one REALLY wants kids, and the other REALLY doesn't, that's the end of their relationship. You can't compromise on that.

Same with monogamy. Some people can't do it. Some people really suffer within the constraints of monogamy. For others, it's the only way they function. They can't have happy relationships either.

This may just be a barrier your relationship can't surmount.

  • [-]
  • strawberry234
  • 3 Points
  • 07:57:17, 16 November

That is terrible for her to even suggest to have an open relationship with your best friend. Have some self respect and leave this relationship.

  • [-]
  • BabalonRising
  • 3 Points
  • 10:51:43, 16 November

Unless the two of you play as a team ("swinging"), I can tell you what an "open relationship" is bound to amount to - your girlfriend fucking everything in sight, while you sit at home torturing yourself most of the time.

It's basic sexual economics. There are far more men out there who will no be put out by the idea of getting to sport-fuck someone else's girlfriend, than there are similarly minded women. It's an uphill battle being a guy trying to get laid - whereas with women, it's close to giving away free money (there is always a taker.)

...and THAT is if you were actually into such an idea!

The two of you are quite young. Chances are (despite what you may believe at the moment), it's highly unlikely the two of you are going to be together "till death do you part"...and that's even if you did something as stupid as get married in the near future.

So even without your girlfriend's curiosity for other dudes, this relationship isn't (likely) as important in the big picture as your naivety and youth are building it up to be.

Unfortunately, this is unlikely to be an issue that goes away. And like so many people who ask for an "open relationship", the ugly truth is they usually already have someone lined up.

You say you're both ending school. I think you need to close this chapter on your life. Let your gf go ride the cock carousel, and find someone else whose thinking on such things better matches your own.

There is no "compromise" to be had here where you won't become an emotional wreck. In fact at this point, you should dump this woman on principle.

  • [-]
  • LondonBanana
  • 3 Points
  • 11:46:56, 16 November

You're gonna get fucked up in so many ways if you stay with her...

  • [-]
  • small_e_900
  • 3 Points
  • 12:26:39, 16 November

It's already over Dude.

  • [-]
  • haveyouhadyourteayet
  • 6 Points
  • 04:38:56, 16 November

Not an expert, but I knew a guy in college who's gf spent every Friday night over at his best friend's place... It killed him. I knew another guy who was hooking up with his bestie's gf, they were both aggressively friendly, like it was some competition. I haven't ever seen it work well.

Also, if she's already got people in mind, and isn't 100% ok with any rules you put in place, it's gonna be hard to make happen. Some people just can't be poly, and that's not a bad thing.

  • [-]
  • temprray
  • -17 Points
  • 04:43:21, 16 November

She has been really open to any rules I want to put in place. I don't know, it feels weird to defend her, since I've been pretty upset for the last few days, but I really feel like I understand where she's coming from, and it's not from a place of fucking me over, or even like oversexuality. We're both really interested in critiquing power structures, and she's trying to defy the monogamous structure that is essentially false and imposed for the purpose of ensuring male dominance. The problem is that I understand that, and agree on an intellectual level; but I also selfishly want her all to myself. It's cognitive dissonance, and I don't want it to ruin our relationship, because I really do love her

  • [-]
  • generousheart
  • 17 Points
  • 05:14:06, 16 November

> the monogamous structure that is essentially false and imposed for the purpose of ensuring male dominance.

Hahah whaaat. That's cute in an ivory tower but if you try to apply it in real life it'll blow up in your face. Go ahead though, maybe you can write a treatise on it.

  • [-]
  • noreallynoway
  • 8 Points
  • 06:52:34, 16 November

> it'll blow up in your face

It will blow up in her face huhuhi

  • [-]
  • defiantgrit
  • 13 Points
  • 06:33:29, 16 November

Oh man you've already bitten this hook line and sinker.

Well, enjoy being cuckolded. Because thats whats going to happen.

  • [-]
  • orangejuicejames
  • 27 Points
  • 05:16:23, 16 November

You're so lost bud. She doesn't give a fuck about breaking down power structures. She wants to have her cake and eat it to. You want some hard truth? Think about how you feel kissing her after another guys dick has been in her mouth. Are you going to sit by and let another man fuck your girlfriend... Just so she can break down pier structures that hurt women. Come the fuck on you moron. You don't want your girlfriend fucking other people, that's obvious. Now some people do, and I guess that's ok but to me those people have mental issues. But you don't, you don't want someone fucking her and from whAt I can gather, you have no interest in fucking anyone else besides her.

Man the fuck up and dump this slut.

  • [-]
  • mesopotato
  • -2 Points
  • 05:59:51, 16 November

Came here to write something similar, but I would've never put it so eloquently.

  • [-]
  • KickpuncherLex
  • 13 Points
  • 05:32:49, 16 November

Oh honey.

She is gonna or already has banged your friend. Its up to you if you're ok with that. You don't sound very keen.

Also this breaking down walls stuff is total bullshit. She wants the variety dicks. She should at least be honest about it.

  • [-]
  • senoranickers
  • 6 Points
  • 05:58:13, 16 November

> she's trying to defy the monogamous structure that is essentially false

Ok but who is she to say that monogamy is "false" in 100% of relationships? Maybe her reasons are valid for her, but for others sex is a deeply intimate experience that you only want to share with a certain, very important, person. It's not selfish of you at all, it's just the way you express yourself. You need to evaluate within yourself and see if you want to let your gf fuck around because you want to smash the patriarchy, or if you want to set your foot down for complete monogamy because that is how YOU as an individual function. I completely buy into the idea that you can support polygamy and the logic behind it but not want to participate in it

EDIT: I also just wanted to say that, if you decide to go ahead with opening up the relationship, lay down the ground rule that she CAN NOT fuck your best friend. I have no doubt that it would crush you from what you said about it in your post.

  • [-]
  • lodhuvicus
  • 6 Points
  • 10:06:02, 16 November

It's painfully obvious that you're just parroting your girlfriend at this point.

  • [-]
  • SoMuchMoreEagle
  • 6 Points
  • 07:49:36, 16 November

You two need to grow up. You think you have all this shit figured out now, but in 5 years, I doubt you will feel the same way about "societal norms." Break the rules when it really matters, and when you actually want to, but in this case, your girlfriend just wants to bang other guys. It's not some high philosophy. Stop pretending that it is.

Dump this chick and go find some real injustice to fight. 26-year-old you will thank you. Believe me.

  • [-]
  • StRidiculous
  • 1 Points
  • 10:28:32, 16 November

yeah, talk about hiding from reality.

  • [-]
  • pachan
  • 5 Points
  • 13:01:26, 16 November

> she's trying to defy the monogamous structure that is essentially false and imposed for the purpose of ensuring male dominance

hahahahaha so much bullshit. monogamy is not "false" and its got nothing to do with male dominance. you sound like a tumblr feminist.

  • [-]
  • Jim_Obamas_llama
  • 1 Points
  • 08:43:10, 16 November

I'm sorry and ill probably be downvoted but how do people get so convoluted to think that this is ok. The OP is nothing but this girls toy and she spews fake feminist crap that has nothing to do with real feminism and he buys it. One of your best friends she wants to have sex with at your expense no... just no. If she loved you she would have dropped it when you were uncomfortable stop being her toy. Thinking about how much she "loves" you while shes making love with your best friend even though your not ok with it. Her perspective is not reasonable... period.

  • [-]
  • Czardas
  • 2 Points
  • 10:01:43, 16 November

She doesn't want an open relationship, she wants your friend, and, like /u/generousheart said, she's testing the waters.

I would strongly suggest you end this and move on.

  • [-]
  • Every_Bodys_Fool
  • 2 Points
  • 12:39:11, 16 November

She wants her cake and she wants to eat it too. I call this the back burner. Lots of women leave one good guy on the back burner as a safety. It assures that she never has to be alone.

  • [-]
  • pachan
  • 2 Points
  • 12:55:38, 16 November

she is more attracted to him than to you and so wants you to cuddle her after hes finished banging her all night. thats what emotional exclusivity means. you get to provide the loving caring boyfriend experience, while he is taking care of her sexual desires.

great deal, isnt it?

try to find another woman, somebody who is as or more attractive than her. hell, make her up if you have to and tell her you are cool with her fucking your friend and tell her you will go on a date with this other woman while she is with him and see if shes still cool with it.

  • [-]
  • StLRedditGirl
  • 1 Points
  • 09:20:05, 16 November

I've done monogamous, open and poly relationships. I don't identify myself to any one particular group because, for me personally, a lot depends on the person I'm dating and the relationship itself. With some people an open relationship is the best we could do for the relationship while others having an open one would harm the relationship.

There some people that identify with a particular group though and it sounds like you are in the monogamous camp. As for your girlfriend, honestly I'm not sure if she truly identifies with being open or if she just wants a free pass to have sex with other people and she thinks she's being a rebel and more open minded.

You keep saying you understand her perspective and logic which is one of the reason you are having trouble just outright telling her no. The thing is, you can understand where she is coming from and even think it makes sense in a generic abstract way but this is not the same thing as saying it makes sense for me. Again, the idea makes sense to you but does not make sense for you. These are two very separate things. Let me rephrase it another way - A person can be 100% pro life but when it comes to their own body and own child, they would never abort. They can see why other people would do it, they don't judge them, they don't think it's wrong but for them personally they could never have an abortion. This is you.

And because this is you, you need to tell her no. It may end the relationship and that is going to suck, it's going to be hard and it's going to hurt. But agreeing to this for her sake, and it's only for her sake, it's going to suck, be hard and hurt. Either way you're going to get hurt and breakup. Question is: hurt now and move on or hurt for a long time while you try to appease her while she's off having sex with other guys?

And even though you will also have the option of having sex with other girls, it won't matter because you won't really be all that in to it. Also consider, a lot of times there is disproportionate partner availability between the couple. By this I mean you need to be prepared that she will have a much easier time of finding people to have sex with while you are struggling. So she is either having lots of sex and you very little or if you make the rule that it has to be somewhat even she might eventually become upset that she is missing opportunities because you can't find anybody. I'm not saying this is always the case but it happens.

Let's move on to the open / poly portion. You two are new to open relationships. You has broached the subject with you and even though you are not on board (and you're not) you have been willing to at least talk it out with her. You put a rule down, no close friends, and that is a rule that she doesn't want to agree to. You guys are so new to this. It is going to take a lot of time, trial and error to figure out where your boundaries are. Why is she even considering your best friend at this time? If she truly wanted to make this work and compromise with you (especially as you don't really want to do it) she would immediately back off the idea of having sex with your friends. If she does not agree to this she does NOT care enough about you or your relationship. She does not have respect for you. You are making a huge concession by even thinking about giving this a go, she needs to repay you in turn.

The fact that she would even be slightly willing to take a chance you would have ruin friendships over this is appalling to me. Which makes me think she is not truly wanting open relationships for the right reasons. Sounds like she just wants to have sex with anybody she wants to and not have it be cheating. And if she is so concerned about staying monogamously emotional with you then why is she choosing friends where there is already a connection there? If you're friends with them you care about them. Sex may only deepen this especially when you take into consideration the effects of the chemical oxytocin. (and this is not say FWB doesn't work because it can but a lot of times it also blows up in peoples faces).

Being so new, if you really want to give this a go you need to start with strangers. Not friends. Because if you can't handle strangers you won't be able to handle FWB.

Basically, I don't recommend this for you because it doesn't matter what your brain logically says about open relationships - you do not want to do it. It will tear you down and then tear you apart.

  • [-]
  • cn283
  • 1 Points
  • 09:41:19, 16 November

Don't do anything you're not comfortable with. The backbone of opening up a relationship is honesty and communication. It seems like she's already found someone she'd like to hookup with and is trying to get you're permission after the fact...

If you have any doubts, be upfront about them and don't do it for the sake of "her happiness". Your happiness is just as important here! And she should absolutely respect the boundaries that you set as her primary partner otherwise it just turns into a slow motion breakup.

  • [-]
  • havo3
  • 1 Points
  • 10:28:06, 16 November

Bad news. She likes your best friend more than you, your best friend likes her more than he likes you. You just went through a breakup and lost a best friend before it actually happened.

  • [-]
  • DJacewicz
  • 1 Points
  • 10:28:36, 16 November

To Answer your question I have a few of my own; After she does this whole open relationship thing and she's had his penis inside her will you see her differently? Will you love her less? If an open relationship were to start do you think that you'd feel the need to start having "relations" with someone new? Not necessarily to get back at her but to justify her doing it.

If you're satisfied with your answers enough so that you want to continue your relationship with her and try to work through it all the power to ya. In my opinion it just seems like you'll both end up hurt after this because she does seem to care about you but clearly you can't give her what she wants now. It's not your fault that she feels this way it's just a phase she wants to experience. What's the point of staying with someone if you can't make them happy or if the price of their happiness is your own. That just seems like a dead end to me.

  • [-]
  • ferociousfuntube
  • 1 Points
  • 12:35:24, 16 November

I don't know how I ended up here but since I am here I will give you my opinion.

Your relationship is over. You may not know it yet but it is. If she just wanted to sleep with someone else then she wouldn't have picked someone she already knows. Since you are friends with this person she already has an emotional attachment even if it is only as a friend. If she is so unhappy by not being able to fuck other people then she is not fully committed to the relationship being equal.

Arguing that monogamy is meant to keep men in the power position is stupid because it could go the other way around too. Monogamy doesn't mean the guy can go out and fuck other people and the girl doesn't. There is no advantage to the guy except knowing that he isn't paying child support for someone elses baby.

If you go through with this you won't be able to look at your girlfriend the same way anymore and you will end up resenting her for it. She is trying to convince you to let her cheat on you with your best friend.

If you don't do it she will cheat on you behind your back and eventually break up with you or just break up with you. She is already thinking about sleeping with other people meaning she is not happy being with you.

My advice is break up with her you are only delaying the inevitable.

  • [-]
  • throwawayproblems81
  • 1 Points
  • 13:30:28, 16 November

TELL HER NO. You will never be happy knowing she is off fucking other guys. If she wants to act like a single chick, she needs to be a single chick. No good will come from this. You're going to get hurt in the end one way or the other. Stand up for yourself. Put your foot down and be prepared to end things.

Most importantly, if you do break up with her she is going to sleep around for sure. At some point she may try to come back to you. Do not take her back. This is a manipulation. She will have already gotten what she wanted from the deal, just as if you all had stayed together.

If she respected you and your relationship this wouldn't be happening. Period.

  • [-]
  • 1upthebumnoharmdone
  • 1 Points
  • 13:44:38, 16 November

I'll just say this: open relationships only work where both parties are fully comfortable with the situation. If you're happy sharing her with your buddy, then win-win for everyone. If the thought of one of your friends gettin' all up in there bothers you then I'd recommend you don't take this route.

  • [-]
  • Arran03
  • 1 Points
  • 13:56:46, 16 November

It sounds like you only agreed to make her happy and preserve your relationship, not because you want an open relationship. That way lies bitterness, resentment, and quite probably an emotionally painful break up.

I advise you to do the latter right now, before she breaks your heart. Your girlfriend has already cheated on you emotionally, and is chomping at the bit to do it physically as well. Your girlfriend has the right to want to explore her sexuality with other people - but you have the right to set whatever sexual boundaries you want in your relationship, and if the other person can't abide by those. it's time to start looking for a new partner.

  • [-]
  • hammertime999
  • 1 Points
  • 13:59:13, 16 November

I was in your exact shoes many years ago.

Break up with her now. Break up with her now. Break up with her now. Break up with her now. Break up with her now. Break up with her now. Break up with her now. Break up with her now. Break up with her now. Break up with her now. Break up with her now. Break up with her now. Break up with her now. Break up with her now. Break up with her now. Break up with her now. Break up with her now. Break up with her now...