Developing drama as a man in /r/relationships asks what to do with his serial cheating girlfriend and instead gets lambasted for their age gap. "this situation is basically his reward for dating a child." (np.reddit.com)
SubredditDrama
93 ups - 32 downs = 61 votes
130 comments submitted at 19:52:38 on Oct 29, 2013 by snallygaster
Commenter has a point. Who you think you are and who you want to be with when you're 16 is way way different than who you are and who you want to be with when you're 23.
And yes, a 20-year-old dating a 16-year-old is creepy. Date within your peer group!
Does that excuse the GF's cheating? No. Does it explain it? Yep. She's spent almost a third of her life looking for approval, sexually, from older men. She came of age doing it. OP really should not be surprised when she does exactly what he groomed her to.
Part of me thinks the lines are kind of arbitrary. Is a 20 year old dating a 16 year old kind of weird? Absolutely. Does it make the guy a pedophile (as some in that thread are suggesting)? I really don't think so.
I'm not going to go full pedo (just like I didn't back with that story of the 18-year-old girl and her 15-year-old girlfriend... which was a bit better since they were both in high school), but it is morally suspect. And they're not peers. I mean, a TA dating an undergrad is fine, everyone's an adult. Once you pass that age-of-majority thing and get into teenage territory, morality gets a bit gray.
Let's just put it this way: I'd rather fuck a guy before I'd fuck a teenager. And I felt that way when I was 20 too.
Well no, a TA dating an undergrad isn't fine, that's almost always against university policy. Assuming the undergrad is in the TA's class, that is.
Very few universities have policies on things like that. It's difficult to proscribe the social interactions of adults. It is most certainly a conflict of interest, but you're not going to find rules against it in a lot of handbooks, you know?
Yeah, I was going with not in the same class. A 22-to-26 age spread is a lot more comfortable than a 16-to-20. It's not the number, it's the life experiences.
You are the epitome of bitter virgin.
You can't get into a relationship so you try to find something wrong with everyone else's.
>OP really should not be surprised when she does exactly what he groomed her to.
That's a bit of a leap in logic there. It sounds like she had these issues at the start of the relationship.
Wow! You take issue with a 4 year difference? lolwut.
I wonder how old your mommy and daddy are.
Please scroll up and read what you reply to. It's not the age gap, it's the maturity gap.
And my parents were both 19 when they got married. Which is stupid, IMHO, most teenagers shouldn't get married. But at least they were both peers.
I agree with you, but the peer thing is a bit fuzzy to me. It makes sense in terms of maturity, but what about intellectually? Socially? Shall I not date anyone without a PhD since I have one? Should I be unavailable to someone with more friends than me?
Let's not be too pedantic about this. If you're vastly more mature -- emotionally, financially, physically, educationally, career-wise -- on every level than your would-be paramour, it's probably not a good idea.
I wasn't try to be a pedant about it. Just looking for a definition of terms. I guess the conversation has shifted away slightly from "is that guy dating a 16-year-old reprehensible" and into "what are appropriate age gaps between people dating." This notion of the peer group struck me (and still does) as a bit too blanket, maybe even slightly naive. Sure, vast differences in the things you list are going to be problematic, but what if you're hitting three-out-of-five or something? Nothing's perfect, and more the better for it.
Fuck, maybe I am being pedantic. Sorry.
Well, at least you're being nice about it.
I think seniors dating freshman is a bit grody, but at least they're still in high school together. It escalates a level in grodiness when you go to college and high school, and escalates further when one of them is under 18.
I mean, I'm not the arbiter of skeeviness. Just some relationships, generally speaking, are better ideas than others.
I try to remember I cannot be the end-all-know-all judge of which relationships are good ideas or not. Especially when you think in terms of generations and wider. Connotations often reduce communication instead of enhance it. Add in the problems people seem to having finding and communicating with each other just due to our volume. It's a wonder anyone finds love that lasts at all.
I don't want to tear it away from people who have managed to find it.
Which is why I speak in generalities. Generally, getting married young is riskier than getting married when you're older. Generally, picking up high schoolers when you're in college is pretty skeevy. Generally.
Not everyone is a special snowflake. Sometimes, people are just average.
Why sure, it doesn't cost anything to treat people with respect.
Anyhow, I can get behind the idea that some relationships are better ideas than others. That's easy to agree with!
Off-hand hilarity: I tagged you as "psychopath" a while back because you said something I found wildly offensive (that I really don't give a shit about any more). This comment train now is a bit jarring. I'm torn as to whether to amend that to "polite psychopath" or just get rid of the tag altogether.
I've got you on +3 on RES, and I remember having more than one conversation with you, one regarding TRP where I guessed your age, but not in a mean way. Maybe you're being a bit hasty with your tags? I can't think of much that I've said lately -- or ever -- that would qualify as psychopathic. I'm in my 30s and teach humanities at a university. That's not exactly fertile ground for batshit insane right-wing ideology.
But now you must tell.
Me and my girlfriend are 3 years apart and we've happily been together for 9 months now. Are we creepy?
4 years is just one more year than us. It's not too unusual in my opinion.
It depends entirely on your age though. Nobody is saying that a specific year gap is too much. They're saying that 20 is too old for 16. For example, you didn't mention your age in this comment. If you're 18 and your girlfriend is 15 (or the other way around), its creepy. If you're 30 and she's 27, that's normal.
Please stop inferring that your opinion of 'creepy' is somehow an objective measurement. It's a personal opinion and that's all it will ever be.
Not my opinion. Please see the reply I gave /u/Thehealeroftri:
> I wasn't so much saying that I personally hold the belief that its creepy, just that the argument has less to do with the number of years of the gap and more to do with the age of each of the participants.
Yeah, so you said one thing and then said the opposite when you found out you personally insulted the dude. Maybe you should rethink the reasons why you get squicked out by such trivial bullshit.
I'm not squicked out by it. I was explaining the argument. I said, "For example" and then explained that a 3 year age gap between an 18 year old and a 15 year old is often found "creepier" than the same gap between a 30 and 27 year old.
Like I also said in my reply to him, personally I have serious doubts that an 18 year old and a 15 year old can have a stable, long-term relationship. But I'm not so ridiculous as to think that it can't ever work.
In short, stop being a cunt.
>I said, "For example" and then explained that a 3 year age gap between an 18 year old and a 15 year old is often found "creepier" than the same gap between a 30 and 27 year old.
That's actually not what you said, you said this: >For example, you didn't mention your age in this comment. If you're 18 and your girlfriend is 15 (or the other way around), its creepy.
It's not like misquoting yourself changes the fact that you called that guy creepy for his situation which you know nothing about, and then back pedaled when you realized it.
Call me names, whatever. At least I have the integrity to mean what I say and admit when I'm wrong.
18 and 15...
You can think we're creepy. But all that matters is that we're both happy.
Me and you have different opinions and I respectfully disagree.
At the start of the relationship I thought she was older but about a month in she told me her age. I was shocked and felt a little odd about it but decided that the age gap wasn't too large and in 10 years down the road the age gap won't even matter. It wouldn't hurt to try to have a relationship with her and I'm happy I decided that I'd give it a try because I'm the happiest I've been in my life.
You're getting downvoted for being in a happy relationship.
Yep, this is Reddit.
Bitter aspies trying to blame other people for their problems.
I dunno man 15 is under the age limit.
Not everywhere in the world.
So if someone was 17 dating a 15 year old it's totally fine, but if the 17 year old turns 18 then it's OH MY GOD SHE'S UNDER THE AGE LIMIT, HOLY SHIT THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Yeah, your thinking is real sound there.
Oh crap! I didn't mean to hit the nail on the head there. I wasn't so much saying that I personally hold the belief that its creepy, just that the argument has less to do with the number of years of the gap and more to do with the age of each of the participants.
Personally I would think it rare that a relationship formed that young would end up being stable long term, but there are certainly exceptions. If you're both happy and healthy, that's awesome.
Wow nice back pedalling.
Great guess by the way, haha.
But yeah, so far we're both happy and I hope that things don't change in the future.
Its not creepy, its illegal.
100% legal in my state.
I'm not sure about other states.
In mid-late teens and early 20s the difference can be up to 4 years and still be legal so my girlfriend could hypothetically be 14 years old and it'd still be legal.
We'll be within 3 years and for a month a year 4 years of each other so we're in the clear for any legal things.
tl;dr: You're wrong.
Your right, and you proved me wrong. My mistake
>tl;dr: You're wrong.
That made me laugh.
If your GF was a child and you weren't when you started, yeah, that's a bit creepy.
Shit, she was more mature than me when we started dating.
That means your girlfriend took advantage of your lack of maturity.
Why do you assume that she has bad intentions?
Why is it that on Reddit people who aren't in relationships have to find a problem with everyone else's.
My statement was meant to be a joke. I originally had an exclamation point which was going to help make it clear that I wasn't being serious, but I unfortunately I deleted it. Bad choice I guess.
Ahh I see. Sorry for being defensive about it. Other people in this thread have been rude.
Oh. No problem. My post actually looks completely serious, so it was my bad.
That really doesn't say anything positive about you.
Never said it did.
I was emotionally immature and its just now evening out to my age
You know what's really creepy? Children are allowed to drive.
So how's your virginity going, sport?
Well and thoroughly demolished, kind sir. But I did not ask a 16-year-old to do the honors.
> But I did not ask a 16-year-old to do the honors.
You're missing out, dude!
Yeah, I'll stick with my 29-year-old girlfriend. Experience and love are going to triumph over inept fumbling.
You waited until you were in love to lose your virginity? lol.
No, I'm now in love with the person I'm currently dating, but I didn't wait until I loved her before we did fun things naked.