The guy I'm dating had sex with me while I was very drunk. (TW) (self.SRSWomen)
34 ups - 9 downs = 25 votes
Hey guys (oh my word I did that automatically!). This is my throwaway account.
So I have been dating someone for almost two months and having sex almost every time we see each other. I really like him, a lot. It was rocky at first--he recently got out of a long relationship and has a lot of self-esteem issues that come out when he's been drinking. He decided, therefore, to cut back on binge drinking (i.e., getting drunk), which I very much encouraged.
A few weeks ago, my house had a Christmas party. He came, but he wasn't going to drink. I was drinking. I drank a lot. That night, we had sex.
This bothers me. I was very intoxicated, to the point where I don't remember some of what went on that night. I barely remember the sex. If I had been sober, I would've wanted to have sex with him. If we'd both been drunk, I would've been cool with it. If, before drinking, I'd told him, 'Hey, I'm going to be drunk later on, but I want to have sex tonight, so we can still totally bone unless I change my mind, obvs!' But none of those things happened. We hadn't had any prior discussion. I was drunk. He was totally sober. He accepted my drunken 'consent'.
This, I know, cannot really qualify as consensual sex. For obvious reasons, I hesitate to call it 'rape': I believe that he is a good person, I really like him, and I don't think of him as a rapist. But I do really, really want to have a conversation with him about how this is not okay and you can't do shit like this and how it genuinely frightens me that he thinks it's acceptable. I would never have sex with a drunk person unless I were equally as drunk--I would feel gross and desperate--and I don't want to kiss and hold hands and have sex with someone who would do that.
But I am. Because I know he's not a bad person; he just... doesn't understand consent? It's awful to hear myself say that, because I know it's absurd and I'm making tons of excuses for him. You don't have to be 'educated' about consent to know that someone with a compromised/impaired state of mind cannot actually consent. But I like him and don't think he would've done it if ... I don't know. :(
I need advice. I certainly have to talk to him about it, but what do I say? How do I go about it? I don't want to accuse him of being a rapist, and I want to keep seeing him, but I want him to know that what he did was extremely shitty behavior.
Thanks for listening.
25 comments submitted at 00:31:20 on Jan 2, 2013 by nomjetable