Can we hear some neckbeard tales? (self.justneckbeardthings)

justneckbeardthings

82 ups - 17 downs = 65 votes

I would totally love to hear some stories of encountering fedoras in the wild or confessions of a former gentleman. Mostly because aside from /r/cringepics I have not seen a neckbeard in person.

60 comments submitted at 15:28:02 on Feb 12, 2014 by oc974

  • [-]
  • notelizabeth
  • 18 Points
  • 07:49:25, 13 February

I dated a neck beard (A.K.A the breif time I WAS a M'lady):

I joined a theatre when I was 18 and everyone in who works in theatres are very close and supportive. The Technician was a textbook neckbeard (we will describe his looks later). So all the happy actors and theatre people felt bad that neckbeard had never had his own M'lady so when me all single, young, naieve and cute came on the scene everyone worked their ass off to give him a chance to prove how gentlemanly he was.

They gave him hygiene advice, tickets to take me to a hockey game and confiscated his cellphone so when I texted him I was really texting a nice lady. Well their plan worked...after a bottle of champagne on new years I reluctantly agreed to be his m'lady.

What had I agreed to date?

Well he was half an inch shorter than me. Neckbearded (I've come to learn neckbeards often result from an underlying shitty father/son relationship...dad is disappointed in son therefore never teaches son to properly shave). He had a gut that made him look pregnant, yet his arms were skinnier and more feminie than mine. He was the dishwasher at an italian food joint so he always reeked like sweaty garlic. He talked like Woody Allen.

Lucky me I got TWO options for Fedoras (Tilbys) to cover up his full blown male pattern baldness @ age 23...The Classic black pinstripe...which he knew how to do all the classy lady wooing flippy tricks and tips with...he'd pair that with a brown suede trench coat like some kinda motherfuckin gentleman/cattle rustler. The second fedora was a rare but-I-feel-like-yall-might-identify-with-it type of fedora...it was the straw fedora...in his mind I think he thought he was Jeff Bridges in the Big Lewbowski...so euphoric he doesn't even care that he's wearing a sunhat in -30 weather. But the straw fedora was always paired with a zuit-suit type jacket that he couldn't even name what year the zuit-suit was popular...all he knew was that back then men were men...and gentlemen at that.

What kind of Chivalry was I treated to? Well he never EVER initiated sex or touching of any kind. (throughout our entire brief relationship we only had sex once on the new years...ladies if you wanna simulate the experience strap a smelly marker to a toy poodle and fuck that for two minutes...though it would be hard to get the poodle to properly wheeze, cry and garlic-sweat for two hours afterwards). After our first encounter he was too gentlemanly and respectable (scared) to initiate sex or touching outright so he'd always try to lure me in to his room as if me standing next to the bed would help him make a move. "Oh I just got a new Richard Dawkins book...its lying on my bed...you should go over and get it.". Other times I'd come over to his place (basement suite...could have very possibly been his parents who lived upstairs) and he'd be lying on the couch balls out in a "paint me like one of your french girls" pose wearing nothing but an orange terry-cloth robe and a fedora.

I only dated him for a month...I was sick of his shit after two weeks but I didn't know how to leave without a suicide on my hands so guilt made me stay another two weeks. It was during the later two weeks I was treated to the date of my life. It was my post-Christmas company Christmas party and he begged and pleaded to be my date to the event...I agreed. It was at a club across the street from his place so I also agreed to go home with him (against my better judgement). We get to the club and he is instantly terrified and intimidated by all the douchebags (even though he wore his best fedora/zuit-suit/trenchcoat combo) he loudly barks about how he is intellectually superior to all the "Neanderthals" but hides behind me whenever one passes. At some point in the night I got wicked bad food poisoning so that by the time we got back to his place I am violently ill. While I'm blue in the lips, convulsing and vilolently vomiting in to a bucket on his couch he chooses that time to try to put the moves on me...poking me with his pencil boner though his sweatpants (that he changed in to but did not offer his "obviously in need of comfort" still technically girlfriend). So I said I needed to go to the hospital. At that point he started crying...literally crying cause I wasn't staying to have all the sex he deserved for being such a nice guy with him. I ask him if he wants to come to the hospital to make sure I makes it there okay and he declines because he doesn't have enough money to split cab fare (and of course he doesn't drive...everyone knows that gentlemen ride horses...they have no need for learners permits).

We Officially broke up on valentines day...I'd successfully avoided him for a week but then he asked me out and cried when I said no...so I ended up agreeing to go out with him out of pity. We go to a restaurant and he is mega-gentlemaning me...getting the door, pulling out my chair, reading poetry. Then the check comes...his card bounced and I ended up paying for his steak neptune he ordered because he was trying to be fancy. A steak neptune is worth one new videogame in my world so I'm hella pissed. He tries to pull out my chair for me and I start making fun of him hard by aggressively chivalrying in the most emasculating way possible...I'm all like "let me get the door for you M'am" or "walk on the inside m'am" at him...I thought he would get that I'm pissed but he actually just thought I was being fancy too. I drop him off at his place and he asks "Are you coming in m'lady" greasy fedora tip...at that point I couldn't handle all the putting up with him cause I felt bad I'd done...I snapped and beat the shit out of him in his own parking lot. Then I drove off. I didn't hear from him for two weeks then he sends me a text that says "are you still my girlfriend?".

To this day he still posts on facebook "women only want to date assholes, I'm such a nice guy" on the daily.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Wow that was long...mostly copy/pastes from other times I've had to describe him. But yeah neckbeards are single for a reason leave 'em be. Leave 'em be.

  • [-]
  • Pilgrimman007
  • 6 Points
  • 15:30:38, 13 February

This made my morning, true or otherwise.

  • [-]
  • notelizabeth
  • 6 Points
  • 22:55:04, 13 February

Haha thanks for reading my massive text wall! As for if its true or not I haven't had a "Facebook Official" boyfriend in five years because of my almost phobia of being stuck in a relationship with a "nice guy" again. So I'd like you to belive it cause I am 100% living it lol.

  • [-]
  • sylvestr
  • 7 Points
  • 16:43:09, 13 February

You beat him up? That's kinda fucked up. Dude was all sorts of crazy but did you actually resort to physical violence? I am surprised he didn't press charges on your ass.

  • [-]
  • notelizabeth
  • 4 Points
  • 22:45:42, 13 February

I've never understood the moral beating I get from all the "intellectual superiors" when I admit to fighting on Reddit. I don't fight constantly (I've only ever started two fights) but I'd say I average one brawl a year?

The best I can guess is its an America/ Canada thing...most Canadian bar fights involve one guy dropping the other outside and the victor buying his defeated buddy a beer if he is not a complete asshole about the whole thing. Canadians don't sue.

As for the specifics of why I beat up my fedora'ed ex...he wanted me to come in and I wanted to go home so I wasn't parking my car and he wasn't getting out of my car so I got out of my car and walked around and pulled him out of my car. He hit the pavement in the fetal position and started crying which was the most pathetic thing I've ever seen in my life, plus I was already adrenalined up from pulling an adult male out of my car so in hulk mode I kicked him really hard in the ass and pulled him to his feet and told him to have some goddamn dignity. I think I was tired of typing at that point so "beat the shit out of" made sense in my head but not in the context of the story.

  • [-]
  • BeerPowered
  • 1 Points
  • 03:00:46, 14 February

Wow. That's actually amazing and pathetic. I didn't quite understand this subreddit at first, but after reading your story I was shocked that such people even exist (even more shocked that you've dated one tho).

Oh, and you now have a RES tag.

  • [-]
  • mr18inches
  • -2 Points
  • 20:27:17, 13 February

If you read the story something is not quite right. Here's the clues:
> I joined a theatre when I was 18

Talks about how disgusting he is and how horrifying his hygiene is, but yet:
>throughout our entire brief relationship we only had sex once on the new years..

Some slight histrionics after getting a mild case of food poisoning
> So I said I needed to go to the hospital.

'Smokin hot chick' relating the cost of a dinner to price of a videogame
> . A steak neptune is worth one new videogame in my world

And the grand finale, things that did not happen:
> I snapped and beat the shit out of him in his own parking lot.

Sounds weird as fuck and def not the prize that is described. I'm imagining something along these lines: http://imgur.com/A56h7pU

  • [-]
  • notelizabeth
  • 4 Points
  • 22:12:10, 13 February

Woah Gentlesir, Calm your 18 inch man-tits

I don't overly get your problem with my story? Trust me- I love when you guys suss out the B.S. story tellers of the world using their own quotes. Also histrionic is one of my favourite words too! But all those quoted things make perfect sense to me. I think you're reading comprehension of my shitty wall of text is off. The only thing not quite right in my story is that I claimed to have dated him for a month but technically it was Jan 31st to Feb 14th. Thanks for playing. Feel free to ask any questions...I can't stand the idea of being wrong on the internet.

P.S. Where on earth did you get my High School yearbook photo from?

  • [-]
  • mr18inches
  • 0 Points
  • 00:16:30, 14 February

Sure, why didn't you tell him to get lost straight up instead of all these passive aggressive, genuinely mean acts?

  • [-]
  • notelizabeth
  • 4 Points
  • 00:55:50, 14 February

Because I was 18 and I'd only been in one relationship prior. I was naive (and a giant loser in highschool) and happy to have a facebook boyfriend for the first two weeks because that's what I thought people did. Then I spent three weeks putting in all the effort of dating him so I could somehow figure out a way to make it work or let him down easy. Then the last day was the first day that I was actually mean to him. I snapped because I had put in so much effort to caring about his feelings and he was so out to lunch ( and in to himself thinking he was intellectually superior) that he couldn't even see how annoyed or angry I was after the hospital night (or other similar incidents I didn't write about).

I think every girl fell for the "nice guy" myth until it started being documented...I fell for it- so thats why I didn't tell him to get lost straight up because apparently he was a nice guy. The reason these guys get so frustrated at the thought of the "friendzone" is because they literally see a girlfriend as "perma-poon" so they go after these stunning girls thinking that they'd some how be able to put the moves on a girl if she was locked in some how. But in actuality these guys "gentleman" even when on dates because they just think their owed sex with no work/risk yet have no confidence to initiate. I was genuinely mean because after realising I'd spent the month as his "perma-poon" yet he never knew a single thing about me as a person (he just spent the month standing next to me pleading for sex with his eyes)...I realised he was pretty dang mean. You'd beat up a douchebag at the bar if he was disrespecting a woman in that same way.

  • [-]
  • fearville
  • 1 Points
  • 10:27:52, 14 February

"I've come to learn neckbeards often result from an underlying shitty father/son relationship...dad is disappointed in son therefore never teaches son to properly shave"

Wow. This is quite insightful and makes a lot of sense.

  • [-]
  • totes_meta_bot
  • 1 Points
  • 13:27:08, 14 February

This thread has been linked to from elsewhere on reddit.

^I ^am ^a ^bot. ^Comments? ^Complaints? ^Send ^them ^to ^my ^inbox!

  • [-]
  • watchoutnow
  • 0 Points
  • 12:19:07, 13 February

I love how you just kind of "snapped" at the end. This was a truly epic read.

  • [-]
  • notelizabeth
  • 1 Points
  • 22:48:39, 13 February

Thank-you! I am the wordiest story teller on the planet...I'm not the most easily digestible person on reddit. ;)

  • [-]
  • mizatt
  • 0 Points
  • 08:51:56, 14 February

Dated for a month... Had sex on New Years... Broke up on Valentine's Day. Math doesn't add up

Edit: read the comments below... So I guess it wasn't actually ON New Years