My boyfriend likes pictures of girls on Facebook all the time and I pretend to be ok with it but I'm not. (self.offmychest)

{offmychest}

177 ups - 28 downs = 149 votes

I have an amazing, loving boyfriend I'm happy with but this one thing that makes me feel so bad is that every time I log into Facebook, my entire newsfeed is pictures of girls that he's liked or commented on.

It's his friends, random girls from different pages, acquaintances, celebrities... mostly liking them but occasionally commenting on how beautiful they are. No comments are overtly sexual, but it can really hurt and it makes me feel as if I'm less special to him if he calls every girl out there beautiful. Sometimes, after he's added a girl as a friend, he'd go through all of her profile pictures and like every single one EXCEPT the ones with her boyfriend or male friends in them. And then I'd get this flood of pictures of the same girl on my newsfeed. It makes me feel like shit sometimes.

We talked about it before and I said it wasn't an issue because at the time it really wasn't at all, but I had no clue how much of it I'd be seeing and how much it could hurt me. However, I would never tell him to stop because I feel that would be too controlling and that I have no right to dictate what he does, just like I wouldn't like to have it done to myself.

Also, I noticed a trend in the girls he likes - they all have things in common... and I also don't look anything like that. In fact, I'm the polar opposite.

He says I'm the most beautiful girl in the world to him, but sometimes I think he's just saying it because he feels it's something one should say in a relationship.

I can't help it. I know it's lame and makes me a bad girlfriend to have these feelings of insecurity, but no matter what I tell myself, it breaks my heart and I compare myself to these girls every day.

Not really looking for advice, just to get this off my chest and hope that I'm not the only one feeling this way.

Thank you for reading.

132 comments submitted at 14:03:20 on Aug 6, 2013 by throwaway76534345

  • [-]
  • Neurotikitty
  • 91 Points
  • 14:39:31, 6 August

>I know it's lame and makes me a bad girlfriend to have these feelings of insecurity, but no matter what I tell myself, it breaks my heart and I compare myself to these girls every day.

Please understand, this does not make you a "bad girlfriend". Your feelings are valid and they should always be respected.

If this is hurting you, it might be helpful for you to express that to him. Your boyfriend may or may not be comparing you to other women, but right now he's hurting your feelings with his actions, and he needs to understand where you're coming from.

  • [-]
  • sporkasaurus
  • -155 Points
  • 14:50:41, 6 August

Do not be ridiculous. This is not the fault of the boyfriend by any measure. You can't go blaming insecurity and a jealousy complex on the boyfriend, that is an utterly hilarious conclusion to draw.

Discuss it with him by all means, but don't expect him to change just because you can't handle something as utterly trivial as liking another female's photograph on a website. The correct response is "grow up".

  • [-]
  • throwaway76534345
  • 53 Points
  • 14:57:30, 6 August

How did coming here to vent and get something off my chest to clear my head and in hope of not being the only one who has ever felt this way warrant a response like this?

  • [-]
  • sporkasaurus
  • -83 Points
  • 15:11:21, 6 August

Disagreeing with someone else' assessment/advice is not responding to you directly.

  • [-]
  • throwaway76534345
  • 55 Points
  • 15:16:08, 6 August

You seem very angry and the way you responded, even if not directly to me, was pretty rude and judgmental for a place people come to vent. I'm sure /r/relationships could use you, though. If I came for actual advice and someone to help me snap out of it, I'd benefit a lot from someone like you, and I don't mean that in a sarcastic way at all. But right now I just needed some support. Do I have esteem issues? Obviously, and I'm working on them. This was just one stop on the way, where I tried to get a load off my chest and feel less alone.

  • [-]
  • redsarah4971
  • 31 Points
  • 15:43:15, 6 August

Get 'em, girl

  • [-]
  • YaviMayan
  • -9 Points
  • 17:12:58, 6 August

To qoute another user:

>Sporkasaurus went about it in a poor way, but the point is largely valid. What is more concerning than the boyfriends behavior is OP's reaction to it. Not all feelings are equally valid. Some feelings are harmful or destructive. This is one of those cases. OP has feelings that she needs to learn to understand and, eventually, overcome. The alternative is for her to remain a jealous, insecure person. If you just validate her insecurity and, worse yet, accommodate it, she will never learn to overcome that problem. The world will be made to conform to her negative feelings. Sometimes as people we have to learn to overcome our negative feelings, our bad habits, our unbecoming characteristics. That doens't make you a bad person for having those feelings at all. No one can help how they are in the beginning. But we do have an opportunity to change that. I think OP should consider confronting her feelings and seeing if she can work through them. As part of that, maybe the boyfriend could temporarily offer to stop as they work together on the problem, but in the longer term it is OP that should really learn how to manage her negative feelings.

I understand the desire to have people who can support you at times, but this is a situation where it might be more beneficial to think things out from a neutral standpoint before doing anything. Spork may have been a dick about it, but I think some of his points stand.

If nothing else, communicate with your boyfriend about how this makes you feel, but don't assume he will make changes for you when you are not willing to work through your jealousy issues for him. Many users here who are agreeing with you have posted bad, potentially dangerous advice that could harm your relationship with your boyfriend.

  • [-]
  • sporkasaurus
  • -56 Points
  • 15:19:12, 6 August

Please explain how it's rude and judgemental.

Feel free to continue to vent, I'm not suggesting that you don't nor am I saying you are wrong to do so. I'm not going to sit here and tell you what to do or what not to do, I am however perfectly at liberty to argue the blame game with the other poster. I disagree with her assessment, don't take it personally.

  • [-]
  • Max9708
  • 18 Points
  • 16:48:00, 6 August

Dude, do you not get it? You're comments are making you come across as an asshole. Take that stick up your ass and try to gently pull it out because anyone on here can see it's pretty deep in there. In other words, stop being a dick.

  • [-]
  • sporkasaurus
  • -28 Points
  • 16:50:40, 6 August

Nothing you have said is a counter argument. Whether you think I'm coming across as an "asshole" is irrelevant.

  • [-]
  • Max9708
  • 5 Points
  • 17:35:59, 6 August

I don't really give a damn about having a "counter argument". I'm just calling you out on being an ass.

  • [-]
  • sporkasaurus
  • -6 Points
  • 17:50:13, 6 August

No, you are calling me an ass because you disagree with me. Your complete lack of ability to intelligently de-construct anything I've said and refute it objectively furthers the evidence that your opinion is inconsequential.

Feel free to actually add to the discussion.

More Comments - Not Stored
  • [-]
  • Arabian_Knights
  • -1 Points
  • 17:49:05, 6 August

I bet you have to consult a manual before mounting the old lady.

  • [-]
  • sporkasaurus
  • -3 Points
  • 17:50:54, 6 August

I bet you have nothing intelligent to say.

  • [-]
  • CorgisDid911
  • 8 Points
  • 17:16:05, 6 August

>You can't go blaming insecurity and a jealousy complex on the boyfriend, [...]

And then... >don't take it personally.

Right...

No matter how you slice the pronouns, you're still saying that the OP has "insecurity and a jealousy complex"; it's pretty reasonable that she'd take that personally.

  • [-]
  • sporkasaurus
  • -11 Points
  • 17:20:39, 6 August

Why? I've not criticised her for being jealous/insecure. How else would you describe this behaviour? Labelling something is not an insult.

  • [-]
  • CorgisDid911
  • 3 Points
  • 17:39:22, 6 August

Plenty of labels can be insulting. If I saw you smiling at children, and called you a paedophile, I would be making a judgement - a most-likely foolish one, based on the extremely little interaction I had had with you.

Would not that label be insulting?

Or more crudely, if you were a black man in the United States, and I said that you were a nigger, would that not be insulting? I mean, it's a label based on an observation.

  • [-]
  • sporkasaurus
  • -7 Points
  • 17:43:12, 6 August

It wouldn't be insulting, it would either be true or false.

Being labelled an amateur when you are a professional is insulting.

That depends on the context of the use of the word nigger. If you simply label them as a nigger in a descriptive context, no it is not insulting. If you are suggesting they are somehow inferior by the use of the word nigger then yes, it's insulting.

Either way, labelling OP as jealous/insecure would be accurate and it wasn't used in a derogatory context, so no, I wouldn't qualify it as insulting by labelling her behaviour as that of a jealous or insecure person, simply because there is no other label that accurately encompasses the behaviour.

More Comments - Not Stored
  • [-]
  • Neurotikitty
  • 36 Points
  • 15:00:26, 6 August

I didn't blame it on the boyfriend. You seem rather quick to blame it on OP, however.

I was simply saying that OP's feelings are hurt, and she doesn't need to hold those feelings in and suffer silently. Perhaps all it will take is some reassurance from her boyfriend that he is not comparing her to the women on facebook. Maybe he didn't even realize that he was hurting her feelings, and would gladly stop hitting "like" if he knew how it made her feel. But it's something that he should be aware of, so that he knows how his behavior affects his SO.

From a personal standpoint, I would find his behavior highly disrespectful. I think it's perfectly natural to look at porn while you're in a relationship, but to hit "like" on all the pictures of his female friends (people he knows personally) except the ones where they are with their boyfriends sounds a little fishy and flirtatious. Some people are okay with that relationship dynamic, however. But it seems OP is not happy living that way, and she is perfectly in the right to make her feelings known and let her boyfriend decide whether her feelings are important enough for him to change that behavior. If not, perhaps they can either compromise, or find more compatible partners.

  • [-]
  • sporkasaurus
  • -46 Points
  • 15:08:03, 6 August

He's not hurting her feelings though, that's the point. That sentence does place blame on the boyfriend, whether you intended it to or not.

She's offended by some of his actions, this is not his fault. Why should he have to change because she has a problem with something trivial? That's bullshit. I'd find it highly disrespectful that she trusts him so little that liking pictures on facebook causes an issue.

I never said she shouldn't make her feelings known, just that "grow up" is a perfectly legitimate response from the boyfriend.

  • [-]
  • sparklezombie
  • 22 Points
  • 15:13:58, 6 August

the fact that it is something trivial means he may be willing to change, if he knew how it made her feel. confidence is important, and it sounds like OP is trying to be strong but this could be something that builds up resentment and that is not healthy in a relationship. just mentioning it to him again would help, if "liking" pretty girls on facebook is how he chooses to spend his time i'd be pretty disappointed myself, that's a pretty creepy hobby for a boyfriend to have, in my opinion.

  • [-]
  • sporkasaurus
  • -39 Points
  • 15:16:11, 6 August

Why should he change though? You keep placing blame/responsibility on the boyfriend. So every time she decides she dislikes something about him, it's his fault and he should change? Give me a break.

  • [-]
  • sparklezombie
  • 18 Points
  • 15:26:31, 6 August

this is something called compromise. i don't know their lives or if anyone wants anyone to change but the actions people take affect others, whether they like it or not. another discussion really couldn't hurt. that's all i'm saying, really.

  • [-]
  • sporkasaurus
  • -30 Points
  • 15:28:25, 6 August

Expecting one person to change is not compromise, it's the absolute opposite of compromise.

I've not suggested that they shouldn't come to some kind of compromise, but the expectation for the boyfriend to change does not fall under that definition.

  • [-]
  • sparklezombie
  • 16 Points
  • 15:33:07, 6 August

she never said she was "expecting" change; she doesn't even want advice. she was venting, as she is free to, as this is reddit. in the title she says she "pretends to be okay with it" and that's really the problem. he needs to know how much it bothers her, whether anyone changes their actions or not is up to them if/when they discuss it further.

  • [-]
  • sporkasaurus
  • -25 Points
  • 15:39:33, 6 August

I'm not talking about OP saying that, I'm talking about you suggesting it.

I have no issue with OP, I have issue with your initial suggestion/assessment.

More Comments - Not Stored
  • [-]
  • Neurotikitty
  • 20 Points
  • 15:18:06, 6 August

He is hurting her feelings. He may not even be intending to. He may not even be doing anything bad. But his actions have directly led to her feeling sad. Perhaps you're assuming that I always assign blame to people who hurt other people's feelings unintentionally. I do not.

However, I do know that when one party feels hurt by the actions of another, it can only cause heartbreak and resentment if that bit of friction is not brought out into the open and discussed. Even if the boyfriend is totally innocent here, he still needs to be aware of his effect on his girlfriend. Otherwise, it's going to just cause anger and hurt on both sides.

>Why should he have to change because she has a problem with something trivial?

You may find his actions trivial, but not everyone does. Many people have many different outlooks on relationships. Some people are okay with having multiple partners. Some people aren't even okay with their partner having friends of the opposite sex. Obviously not every arrangement is extremely healthy, but the only way to have a successful relationship with someone is to communicate about what your boundaries are, and agree to follow those boundaries. If they cannot find a compromise, then they are not relationship compatible as people. It doesn't make either of them bad - it's just incompatibility.

  • [-]
  • sporkasaurus
  • -28 Points
  • 15:24:09, 6 August

> You may find his actions trivial, but not everyone does.

That is not his fault or his issue though. Expecting other people to change because you simply don't like what they do is absurd.

> Perhaps you're assuming that I always assign blame to people who hurt other people's feelings unintentionally. I do not.

I'll accept that, but you should clarify when the words you've chosen suggest placement of blame. Obviously this has led to miscommunication.

> Even if the boyfriend is totally innocent here, he still needs to be aware of his effect on his girlfriend.

I never suggested they shouldn't discuss it, my issue was with the stance that it should be him that changes. He may well decide to do so, but expecting it is ridiculous.

> agree to follow those boundaries. If they cannot find a compromise, then they are not relationship compatible as people. It doesn't make either of them bad - it's just incompatibility.

I agree.

  • [-]
  • Neurotikitty
  • 15 Points
  • 15:31:00, 6 August

>That is not his fault or his issue though. Expecting other people to change because you simply don't like what they do is absurd.

Maybe you've never been in a relationship before, but you seem to be awfully resistant to compromise about "trivial things". Changing yourself for someone else is like changing your religion, or ditching your friends. Doing the dishes a little more often, or changing your spending habits so you can save up for a house - those are reasonable compromises for a relationship, and they don't change anything about you as a person. I certainly see "stop liking every woman's picture on facebook because it makes me feel like you're comparing me to them" as a reasonable compromise. It doesn't take any effort on the part of the boyfriend, and it doesn't affect his quality of life at all. He can still be friends with women. He can even look at pictures if he likes. But he doesn't have to constantly remind both OP and the girls in question that he's lurking all over their FB albums. This is obviously not my decision to make - it's theirs. But I don't see it as an unreasonable demand on the part of OP, like you seem to. I think it's absolutely within her rights to suggest that he stop.

Edit: For grammar and clarity.

  • [-]
  • Panzerdrek
  • -2 Points
  • 16:36:37, 6 August

Sporkasaurus went about it in a poor way, but the point is largely valid. What is more concerning than the boyfriends behavior is OP's reaction to it. Not all feelings are equally valid. Some feelings are harmful or destructive. This is one of those cases. OP has feelings that she needs to learn to understand and, eventually, overcome. The alternative is for her to remain a jealous, insecure person. If you just validate her insecurity and, worse yet, accommodate it, she will never learn to overcome that problem. The world will be made to conform to her negative feelings. Sometimes as people we have to learn to overcome our negative feelings, our bad habits, our unbecoming characteristics. That doens't make you a bad person for having those feelings at all. No one can help how they are in the beginning. But we do have an opportunity to change that. I think OP should consider confronting her feelings and seeing if she can work through them. As part of that, maybe the boyfriend could temporarily offer to stop as they work together on the problem, but in the longer term it is OP that should really learn how to manage her negative feelings.

  • [-]
  • sporkasaurus
  • -24 Points
  • 15:38:03, 6 August

I've been in plenty of relationships before. What that person is suggesting is not compromise, it's submission.

I wouldn't consider someone demanding a change in my actions based on an insecurity of their own as a compromise at all, that's just dodging the issue entirely. It also sets a dangerous precedent for future issues rooted in one partner's perceived emotional insecurities.

Compromise is something where two people reach an agreement based on mutual sacrifice/change/arrangements, not where one yields to the other.

It's within her rights to suggest, it is not reasonable to demand it. It's also within his rights to tell her to grow up.

  • [-]
  • AsteroidShark
  • 3 Points
  • 17:46:31, 6 August

> Compromise is something where two people reach an agreement based on mutual sacrifice/change/arrangements, not where one yields to the other.

After going through the list reading your comments, I feel like you are actually on the same page as a lot of the people you're responding to except that you're kind of nit-picking about the wording.

>It's within her rights to suggest, it is not reasonable to demand it.

I don't think anyone was disagreeing with that, but you can correct me if I'm wrong.

I personally understand the fact that jealousy is a negative and unproductive emotion. I personally understand that this often gets better with time, age, and conscious decisions (a much nicer way of making the 'grow up' point). However, not everyone is there yet. People still sometimes feel negative things when in relationships. Partners are friends, and I think it's good to talk to friends about feelings. I think it would be quite productive to get her feelings off of her chest as long as her partner is able to help her properly put things into perspective. I think it would also be reasonable if he decided that this behavior is equally unnecessary as it is hurtful to her.

I understand the slippery slope you speak of, as I've been there myself. But I work hard to not let the past dictate my present. I understand that sometimes when my partner is asking me to refrain from doing something that it's not an attack on my autonomy. The fact that he has irrational thoughts sometimes (as he is imperfect like me) does not make all of his thoughts/wants/needs irrational. The big picture is more important than an isolated instance, for us anyway.

I'd never dream of telling my partner to "grow up". Things aren't always perfect but there are plenty of positive ways to connect with people and help them work through their emotions. I find this much more productive for the relationship rather than implying that someone feelings shouldn't be paid attention to because I wouldn't feel the same way in the same situation.

  • [-]
  • sporkasaurus
  • -2 Points
  • 17:58:27, 6 August

There is nothing wrong with clarity, as people have clearly been communicating badly. Word choice is important, as a lot of the words used on here have obviously been incorrectly chosen as they are not synonymous with their intended meaning. You can't get to the root of someone's argument until it's presented with clarity, obviously it's difficult to refute or respond to before this point. Nit-picking, as you put it, has definitely been necessary.

I agree completely that they need to talk, I do not however agree that the blame should be placed on the boyfriend by default or that the discussion should be engaged as a list of demands from the girlfriend. . None of my comments have said otherwise, nor have I criticised OP for her initial rant or opinion. The boyfriend would be well within his rights to repudiate a list of demands with something as simple as "grow up", I stand by this comment entirely.

As I stated before, submission is not compromise, which is what the initial response appeared to advocate. I'm aware that reddit is practically eclipsed by whitenight froth, but advocating that the boyfriend take the blame for the fact that OP currently deals with over the top emotional responses rather inadequately is ludicrous. I am not, nor have I suggested that they don't talk about it and reach a compromise. I haven't at any point suggested that OP should be ignored either.

  • [-]
  • leakingsieve
  • 5 Points
  • 16:04:36, 6 August

Spotted: someone who has never been in a relationship.

  • [-]
  • sporkasaurus
  • -15 Points
  • 16:06:58, 6 August

Thanks for that insightful interjection.

  • [-]
  • PrincessPi
  • 8 Points
  • 16:17:53, 6 August

No, he is hurting her feelings. Just inadvertently. Doesn't make her emotional reaction to his actions any less valid.

  • [-]
  • YaviMayan
  • -2 Points
  • 17:12:20, 6 August

To quote another user:

>Sporkasaurus went about it in a poor way, but the point is largely valid. What is more concerning than the boyfriends behavior is OP's reaction to it. Not all feelings are equally valid. Some feelings are harmful or destructive. This is one of those cases. OP has feelings that she needs to learn to understand and, eventually, overcome. The alternative is for her to remain a jealous, insecure person. If you just validate her insecurity and, worse yet, accommodate it, she will never learn to overcome that problem. The world will be made to conform to her negative feelings. Sometimes as people we have to learn to overcome our negative feelings, our bad habits, our unbecoming characteristics. That doens't make you a bad person for having those feelings at all. No one can help how they are in the beginning. But we do have an opportunity to change that. I think OP should consider confronting her feelings and seeing if she can work through them. As part of that, maybe the boyfriend could temporarily offer to stop as they work together on the problem, but in the longer term it is OP that should really learn how to manage her negative feelings.

  • [-]
  • sporkasaurus
  • -22 Points
  • 16:19:04, 6 August

No, her feelings are hurt because she can't deal with his actions. He is not hurting her feelings, that implies intent.

  • [-]
  • PrincessPi
  • 9 Points
  • 16:21:26, 6 August

Now you're just arguing semantics. Fine. He's not doing anything to her. But her feelings are hurt. What do you want us to tell her? Suck it up? That her feelings are inconsequential?

  • [-]
  • sporkasaurus
  • -25 Points
  • 16:22:21, 6 August

If you actually read everything else that I've written before getting your knickers in a twist, the answer to that would be immediately evident.

  • [-]
  • pazz
  • 6 Points
  • 17:09:52, 6 August

Regardless of whether she is "right" or "wrong" to feel this way isn't the issue. The issue is her boyfriend continuing a behavior that causes her pain.

Your opinion could have been expressed in less harsh language but you chose to start by labeling her as "ridiculous" which never is a good idea in a discussion about feelings. The feelings are real and you're basically saying "your feelings are bad and you should feel bad"

  • [-]
  • sporkasaurus
  • -15 Points
  • 17:12:48, 6 August

I've not used harsh language. I labelled the initial response's argument as ridiculous, not her.

  • [-]
  • RageHippo
  • 4 Points
  • 18:04:50, 6 August

Wow, you surely lack empathy. Please just leave this thread.

  • [-]
  • sporkasaurus
  • 0 Points
  • 18:08:00, 6 August

I lack empathy with OP for disagreeing with a comment that suggest blame should be immediately placed on the boyfriend? I think not.

  • [-]
  • RageHippo
  • 1 Points
  • 18:11:03, 6 August

Dude...he wents through every picture the girls upload and likes them, except the ones which show that they are clearly in a relationship. Every. picture.

You really lack empathy.

  • [-]
  • sporkasaurus
  • 1 Points
  • 18:13:03, 6 August

That is nothing to do with empathy, I've not said "I don't give a shit about OP's situation" have I?

  • [-]
  • Spagster
  • 3 Points
  • 17:38:14, 6 August

Go away

  • [-]
  • sporkasaurus
  • -5 Points
  • 17:48:26, 6 August

An excellent, intelligently constructed counter argument to anything I've said. Pat yourself on the back.

  • [-]
  • Spagster
  • 2 Points
  • 17:50:44, 6 August

Thanks!

  • [-]
  • WhitechapelPrime
  • 2 Points
  • 17:54:21, 6 August

Clearly I should respond with, "You should grow up or disappear back into /r/redpill." However, I'm going to say, you have no integrity, no honor, and no hope of being a decent human being. What she should do is break up with the creep and move on. Why? Well, because I know this guy, not KNOW, but understand, and he will cheat, he has as much integrity as you. None. Your kind is a blight on the world, and one day you may change, but until then enjoy being the shit that I scrape from my boots.

Edit: Nothing in a relationship is trivial.

Edit: Now that I'm not as pissed there's this. Your inconsiderate method of response leads me to believe that you lack compassion. Perhaps you have had something shitty happen, and yes, she should definitely discuss it with him; however, this is not the forum for that, this is a place for her to vent about what she feels. Let her do so. Stop being a douche, and perhaps one day you will "grow up". When someone spends a majority of their time on a public forum (facebook) "liking" other women's pictures it is a warning sign. It is not a trivial matter, it obviously hurts her.

  • [-]
  • sporkasaurus
  • -2 Points
  • 18:02:27, 6 August

Right, lots of ad hominems, but no argument.

  • [-]
  • WhitechapelPrime
  • 2 Points
  • 18:03:49, 6 August

I don't need to argue with you. That would imply that what you say is valid. That is not what I am saying.

Edit: This is an emotion based sub, if I need to explain what that means to you, then there is no reason to argue logically, because you have already failed in the first logical exercise.

  • [-]
  • sporkasaurus
  • 0 Points
  • 18:09:38, 6 August

Have another go at saying something intelligent.

You can't refute anything I've said objectively, you've admitted that much. Feel free to attempt to do so.

I'm not arguing with OP, as you have obviously failed to realise, I'm disagreeing with a comment on the original post.

  • [-]
  • MyManMistoffelees
  • 1 Points
  • 16:14:33, 6 August

I guess that wasn't the correct answer.

  • [-]
  • sporkasaurus
  • -16 Points
  • 16:15:43, 6 August

It's certainly not a popular opinion.