So this isn't a Tree... it is a Weed. (More pictures and story.) Someone tell me how this happened or at least what kind of weed it is. (imgur.com)

13956 ups - 11720 downs = 2236 votes

2101 comments submitted at 17:25:19 on Jul 18, 2013 by Senyin

  • [-]
  • Unidan
  • 3030 Points
  • 18:18:23, 18 July

Biologist here!

I just took a quick glance, but I believe this is probably a Tree of Heaven (Ailanthus altissima), but probably not due to the fruits and non-compound leaves! With the new information, I'd change my current guess to hackberry (Celtis occidentalis), which seems to fit the new photos showing leaf shape, branching, and "fruit" which may actually be galls on the tree, explaining the bark and hollowness, too!

Information about the previous guess of Tree of Heaven: They grow very quickly, are alternately branched, have similar leaves. I can't quite tell if that's compound or not from the pictures, but it looks very similar, regardless! The bark is variable and can fit OPs description, so just Googling the bark probably won't be much help. The compound leaves are what would really mess up my guess, I just can't get a good look. If someone has a better identification, feel free to chime in! Tree of heaven is an invasive species from China that has gone crazy in the US! You'll find them in suburbs and urban habitats all the time.

The little plants you have growing at the base there are called "root suckers" and are how the plant is able to reproduce asexually. Beech trees and many others will do the same, so even if no other trees are around to fertilize that plant, they'll produce clones that way!

Anyway, more importantly, there's no such thing as a strict definition for "a weed." A weed is simply a plant growing in a place a human doesn't want. It's a completely artificial human construct! For example, what is it about dandelions that makes them a weed? They just do what they do. Typically, we say weeds are fast-growing plants that spread easily in a human landscape, but a tree can still fit that definition!

EDIT: I'm almost positive this isn't a Tree of Heaven, but it's eluding me for right now, so I'm currently taking this to some plant ecologists and botanists to waste their time, too!

EDIT 2: I just "stumped" our resident Nature-published paleobotanist: that can't be good! He recommended bringing in a branch, which is pretty hard to do from a picture! I'll see if he provides any additional insight.

EDIT 3: New photos were added by OP! The fruit that was vaguely visible in earlier photos seems to actually be galls in the tree! This makes things much easier! Earlier guesses at hackberry (Celtis occidentalis) are much more likely. This explains the bark, potentially, too, as a sick tree may exhibit that kind of texture, and may explain the tree's hollowness, too! If anyone has other information, feel free to chime in!

EDIT 4: For reference, here's a photo of a dying hackberry tree to match the bark!

EDIT 5: Others are indicating it could also potentially be a relative with slightly smoother bark Celtis laevigata! Thanks for the additional IDing! Here's a photo of that species showing galls, for reference.

  • [-]
  • BeardedSentience
  • 701 Points
  • 19:28:04, 18 July

Urban ecologist here!

Ailanthus trees have compound leaves, and from the photos the leaves look like they all share a common stalk. They have a lot of leaflets per leave, usually around 21 or so. The leaflets are paired, except for a terminal leaflet at the end. The two best ways to ID an Ailanthus tree are:

1) Break off an entire leaf and smell the base. If it has a smell that's almost like corn chips or peanut butter, it's an Ailanthus. You can get the smell by ripping up a single leaflet or by scratching the bark as well.

2) Each leaflet should have at least one pair of glands near its base, one on either side. They'll look like this. Some leaflets have two or three pairs of glands, and I've even seen terminal leaflets with glands all up and down the leaf margin.

Hope this helps!

  • [-]
  • KrylonKid
  • 1599 Points
  • 20:18:46, 18 July

Electrical Engineer here!

I have no idea how trees work...

  • [-]
  • J_Chargelot
  • 753 Points
  • 20:36:38, 18 July

Biochemistry student here!

This thing is probably made up of chemicals, but I can't remember the formulas to prove it.

  • [-]
  • Troggie42
  • 1287 Points
  • 21:19:49, 18 July

Unemployed guy here!

I'll cut it down for you for $100. Seriously, I need to eat something.

  • [-]
  • TheDVille
  • 776 Points
  • 22:37:33, 18 July

Student here. I'll do it for $99.

  • [-]
  • legofranak
  • 521 Points
  • 22:55:40, 18 July

Federal government employee here!

I'll email you details about the conference call we're having to schedule the meeting with our Senior Supervisor who can tell us who to ask for help by COB Monday.

  • [-]
  • Foxgirl-SS
  • 495 Points
  • 23:12:19, 18 July

Fake.

A real government employee would send a fax.

  • [-]
  • smixton
  • 404 Points
  • 23:37:50, 18 July

NSA here. Don't mind us, we're just watching.

  • [-]
  • perplex1
  • 135 Points
  • 23:54:56, 18 July

Edward Snowden here. I never got paid for my last week. Can you guys look into that? Direct Deposit info is the same.

  • [-]
  • Ugly_Manlet
  • 49 Points
  • 23:52:13, 18 July

Average Redditor here. I only clicked this hoping it was some sort of porn. I'll be leaving now.

  • [-]
  • IzK
  • 24 Points
  • 00:18:30, 19 July

TV promotions editor here. NSA, please watch our station.

  • [-]
  • Annathiika
  • 99 Points
  • 23:54:29, 18 July

Massage Therapist here. I know more about some people than even you, NSA.

  • [-]
  • Dauslyn
  • 5 Points
  • 00:19:56, 19 July

Financial planner here!

You're gonna need some life insurance in case that tree does, in fact, eventually collapse under its own weight. Step into my office...

  • [-]
  • causalityabandoned
  • 62 Points
  • 23:34:18, 18 July

former army/govt employee here... a .Docx compressed and attached to an encrypted e-mail suffices quite well. That way you cant open it on your system even if authorized to do so. If you manage to access the attachment and decompress it.. the file is usually corrupted.

  • [-]
  • AATroop
  • 27 Points
  • 23:36:07, 18 July

You mean telegram.

  • [-]
  • Mr_Rawrr
  • 39 Points
  • 23:55:24, 18 July

Mexican here, $5.

  • [-]
  • rabbutt
  • 7 Points
  • 01:50:55, 19 July

Contractor here, you three shut it. I'll subcontract you, if you want. The unemployed guy'll get $50, the student'll get a case of beer, and the mexican will get a taquito once the job's complete. I'm charging $375.

  • [-]
  • foursouls
  • 28 Points
  • 23:42:26, 18 July

Call center employee here! please hold.

  • [-]
  • Skeleton_King
  • 6 Points
  • 23:49:47, 18 July

Martial arts instructor here! Will teach you skills for when this shindig gets out of hand.

  • [-]
  • ginpanda
  • 157 Points
  • 23:10:56, 18 July

Violinist here! I'll play some lovely solos while you have the unemployed guy and student fight to the death for the rights to cut down the tree.

  • [-]
  • SourSurt
  • 134 Points
  • 23:20:38, 18 July

Drummer here! I'll get drunk and watch.

  • [-]
  • patronizingperv
  • 87 Points
  • 23:22:13, 18 July

You misspelled 'drool'.

  • [-]
  • makohigh
  • 34 Points
  • 23:44:29, 18 July

IT Support here! I'm just here to configure everyone's phone and laptops to your wifi during the entire process of the tree cutting.

  • [-]
  • ninjaruler
  • 34 Points
  • 23:27:39, 18 July

Cellist here! I'll accompany the violinist until we get 2 more strings to turn us into a string quartet.

  • [-]
  • Vonmule
  • 32 Points
  • 23:31:39, 18 July

Violin maker/restorer here. Do you need any work done on your instrument?

  • [-]
  • Xinger
  • 4 Points
  • 23:48:29, 18 July

Violist here! I'm a loser. :c

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 5 Points
  • 00:08:00, 19 July

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • littlebrotherpunk
  • 5 Points
  • 02:15:11, 19 July

EMT here! I'll get the loser back in fighting shape for round two!

  • [-]
  • onlyiknow1
  • 65 Points
  • 23:31:57, 18 July

Porn star here! You going to use that part that's split?

  • [-]
  • thisgirlwithredhair
  • 13 Points
  • 23:59:34, 18 July

Fantasy Writer here! I'd say it's quite likely that there are either elves or dwarves or perhaps both living in your tree. You have to get rid of it quick or risk having an epic battle take place on your front lawn.

  • [-]
  • Infinity_Flounder
  • 5 Points
  • 00:07:52, 19 July

Redditor here. All hail Unidan.

  • [-]
  • WriteOut
  • 8 Points
  • 23:26:37, 18 July

Undergraduate speech writer here!

I'll liaise with any protestors that chain themselves to the tree and convince them, through catchy phrases and buzzwords, that this tree-cutting is justified.

Our campaign slogan will be:

"For this tree cut, three we will plant"

  • [-]
  • ne921030
  • 4 Points
  • 23:46:42, 18 July

Canadian Provincial government employee here!

uh, we'll contract this matter out. The Request for Proposals (RFP) will be complete in six months, two months out for tender, three months for evaluation, and four months for award and contract negotiations.

......sad thing is. That. is. the. truth.

  • [-]
  • drunkenpriest
  • 4 Points
  • 00:41:44, 19 July

Retail here. Our normal rate is $130, but if you use the store card you get 30% off...

  • [-]
  • ThePurdude
  • 28 Points
  • 23:53:29, 18 July

Recent college grad here. I just want a job, but you probably won't hire me to chop this down due to my lack of experience

  • [-]
  • Troggie42
  • 18 Points
  • 23:16:27, 18 July

Undercut my rates? YOU MONSTER.

  • [-]
  • weekendlush
  • 6 Points
  • 01:20:22, 19 July

Housewife here. Ill make my husband do it for $50

  • [-]
  • freekz80
  • 170 Points
  • 22:26:38, 18 July

Cashier here! I can sell you the chainsaw. Do you have your rewards card with us? I'd also like to offer you a protection plan for an extra $50.00!

  • [-]
  • GiantMilkThing
  • 94 Points
  • 23:07:54, 18 July

Nurse here! I'll patch you up with one of our $1000 hospital bandages in the ER when things go wrong with the chainsaw.

  • [-]
  • drockjr
  • 75 Points
  • 23:34:47, 18 July

Broke college grad here: can the weed be smoked? If so let's talk about starting a business..

  • [-]
  • mwbelle
  • 8 Points
  • 00:05:14, 19 July

this guy gets it.

  • [-]
  • Viking83
  • 37 Points
  • 23:31:04, 18 July

MBA here. Give me a couple of hours and you'll have yourself a business plan, a marketing concept and a financial forecast for that bad boy. Don't throw business away!

Also, that'll be $26,550. Upfront.

Ninja edit: ehe, no. That'll be 126,550. Upfront.

  • [-]
  • Nanobot
  • 192 Points
  • 21:00:53, 18 July

Web developer here!

These are JPEGs.

  • [-]
  • Dimath
  • 31 Points
  • 22:46:11, 18 July

Well, can you organize it as a tree?

  • [-]
  • nordee
  • 4 Points
  • 23:42:48, 18 July

That was a computer science joke, wasn't it?

  • [-]
  • Unidan
  • 240 Points
  • 20:47:27, 18 July

Biologist here again!

6CO2 + 6H2O (+ light energy) --> C6H12O6 + 6O2

There you go!

  • [-]
  • cephalopodsandrum
  • 5 Points
  • 23:54:23, 18 July

Marine biologist here.

Put it in the sea and I might be able to help you.

  • [-]
  • J_Chargelot
  • 61 Points
  • 20:57:55, 18 July

Interestingly, firewood is just

C6H12O6 + 6O2 --> 6CO2 + 6H2O (+ light energy)

Is it bad that I'm easily amused by how the formation of trees is a reversible reaction (above a certain temperature)?

  • [-]
  • raginazian_67
  • 39 Points
  • 23:00:03, 18 July

Firewood is more than just glucose......

  • [-]
  • Red_Fanatic
  • 10 Points
  • 23:40:37, 18 July

Yeah that guy has way too many upvotes.

Cellulose -> Levoglucosan -> Flammable gases/vapours -> Combustion

  • [-]
  • giantpenispenis
  • 208 Points
  • 20:39:24, 18 July

Physicist here!

Its all just applied physics.

  • [-]
  • mabvs
  • 572 Points
  • 20:51:43, 18 July

Linguist here!

It's*

  • [-]
  • badman_laser_mouse
  • 209 Points
  • 21:14:42, 18 July

US Marine here! I can blow up the stump for you!

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 186 Points
  • 21:25:46, 18 July

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • xdarq
  • 91 Points
  • 21:45:45, 18 July

Pilot here! I can make the delivery.

  • [-]
  • Studninja
  • 247 Points
  • 21:55:24, 18 July

Tech support here! Have you tried turning the tree on?

  • [-]
  • Justplainandy
  • 84 Points
  • 21:58:15, 18 July

Random City Dweller here!

That's a Ghetto Palm

  • [-]
  • AppleOnDrugs
  • 50 Points
  • 21:53:32, 18 July

Psychologist here!

I can do the same only it's not guaranteed and it's also for a price!

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 36 Points
  • 21:56:06, 18 July

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • es_no_real
  • 237 Points
  • 21:25:01, 18 July

Mexican here! Jes I do! Twenny for cut down , turty for to take aguey!

  • [-]
  • Lufthwaffles
  • 99 Points
  • 21:23:59, 18 July

Chemist here! Just add salt, lots and lots of salt.

Problem solved, problem staying solved.

  • [-]
  • vhfybr
  • 101 Points
  • 21:50:37, 18 July

Finally, a solution.

  • [-]
  • ever-see-rampart
  • 140 Points
  • 22:23:42, 18 July

A saline solution

  • [-]
  • Jiveturtle
  • 72 Points
  • 21:28:04, 18 July

Lawyer here! I can sue the Marine if the explosion damages anything!

  • [-]
  • ketchy_shuby
  • 36 Points
  • 22:41:39, 18 July

Judge here, I can get the lawyer disbarred if he fucks up the Marine damages case.

  • [-]
  • FantasyBloomed
  • 3 Points
  • 23:57:20, 18 July

Person closely related to a lawyer here again!

...Does anyone want donuts?

  • [-]
  • kaptenrasmus
  • 50 Points
  • 21:55:24, 18 July

Treehugger here! Let them grow everywhere. They are beautiful and we should not put ourselves in a hiearchy above plants.

  • [-]
  • NationalDon
  • 62 Points
  • 21:42:28, 18 July

Nuclear Engineer here!

Scram!

  • [-]
  • CandyCrushSaga
  • 90 Points
  • 20:43:31, 18 July

Lawyer here!

LITIGATION LITIGATION OBJECTION.

  • [-]
  • microcrossbulb
  • 77 Points
  • 21:05:51, 18 July

Mechanical engineer here!

Looks sturdy.

  • [-]
  • oOTAGOo
  • 73 Points
  • 21:16:48, 18 July

Computer Engineer here!

Is it plugged in?

  • [-]
  • mikeBE11
  • 71 Points
  • 21:24:05, 18 July

Mathematician here! If it were to grow 8 feet a year, it would take roughly 157,674,000 years for it to reach to moon, depending that the plant stays stable.

  • [-]
  • Pirat
  • 43 Points
  • 21:31:26, 18 July

Meteorologist here! That thing causes wind. The faster the stems move the more wind there will be.

  • [-]
  • TheHandyman1
  • 40 Points
  • 21:24:58, 18 July

IT here, Looks like Malware!

  • [-]
  • MiracleBlue
  • 23 Points
  • 21:26:09, 18 July

Software Engineer here!

I can probably script a tool to get rid of this thing for you.

  • [-]
  • athlete3000
  • 54 Points
  • 20:42:58, 18 July

Economist student here!

That's going to get expensive if you don't nip it in the bud!

  • [-]
  • Kpayne78
  • 36 Points
  • 20:50:15, 18 July

Psychologist here! No need to regret or sorrow, cut that bastard down.

  • [-]
  • SeySayux
  • 44 Points
  • 21:06:08, 18 July

Computer scientist here!

That tree is upside down.

  • [-]
  • muvafucka_jones
  • 46 Points
  • 21:23:07, 18 July

Blind guy here...bdbdhskjedh hsjejhejehwh jsjsjs

  • [-]
  • mcwidget
  • 55 Points
  • 20:57:41, 18 July

IT Guy here!

I googled it and found out that cat pics are the funny!

  • [-]
  • zztopperzz
  • 102 Points
  • 21:58:05, 18 July

TreeHugger here... - can you post some more closeups of that hole?

  • [-]
  • neverfux92
  • 7 Points
  • 23:16:59, 18 July

This is a pretty underrated comment.

  • [-]
  • yawgmoth
  • 44 Points
  • 22:07:54, 18 July

Software Engineer here.

That's not a tree. Trees grow upside-down.

  • [-]
  • mrbooze
  • 9 Points
  • 23:58:52, 18 July

System administrator here. It's a known issue. We're working on it. (We're not really working on it.)

  • [-]
  • AlyyBobally
  • 45 Points
  • 21:18:47, 18 July

Mechanical Engineer here.

I once planted a tree.

It died.

  • [-]
  • Unidan
  • 248 Points
  • 19:51:49, 18 July

Haha, this was my problem! I was like 'I can't tell if this damn thing is compound!'

  • [-]
  • xHelpless
  • 61 Points
  • 20:26:01, 18 July

You're just one of the best redditors ever. Cheers for the constant service.

  • [-]
  • Sluisifer
  • 36 Points
  • 20:02:27, 18 July

Yup, the peanut butter smell is a great help for an ID.

Note that Tree of Heaven produces samaras, and not nuts. The sixth image in the album shows that this isn't an Ailanthus.

  • [-]
  • BeardedSentience
  • 13 Points
  • 20:37:12, 18 July

Good catch, I missed that. Yeah, on second look, the leaves/leaflets don't have the basal glands either. My bad, but at least you can ID Ailanthus trees now!

  • [-]
  • rwats2506
  • 32 Points
  • 20:56:49, 18 July

Theater major here. I played that tree in a show once. It was okay.

  • [-]
  • LateOnsetRetard
  • 24 Points
  • 21:30:59, 18 July

Did you have to leave?

  • [-]
  • EtherGnat
  • 11 Points
  • 23:22:41, 18 July

He left to branch out into directing.

  • [-]
  • nautical52
  • 63 Points
  • 19:56:20, 18 July

So when parents say our child is growing like a weed, does that mean that their child is growing somewhere they don't want? Like their home? Why the hell won't this three year old just move out already?!

  • [-]
  • Unidan
  • 107 Points
  • 20:01:27, 18 July

Children are better termed as a "noxious" weed.

  • [-]
  • bolhuijo
  • 120 Points
  • 19:23:40, 18 July

Gallagher probably put it best years ago: "If you water it and it dies, it's a plant. If you pull it up and it grows back, it's a weed."

  • [-]
  • terram_alwathani
  • 13 Points
  • 23:35:46, 18 July

Garfield (the cat) also put it well:

What's the difference between flowers and weeds? Weeds have a greater will to live.

  • [-]
  • wiretapper
  • 262 Points
  • 18:58:09, 18 July

Emerson: "What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered.”

  • [-]
  • Unidan
  • 284 Points
  • 19:07:32, 18 July

If anything, we've helped some weeds do better than others!

Dandelions, for example, benefit very much from us mowing the lawn! They have a very low-profile basal rosette that passes easily underneath the mower blades. Since they still live through mowing while other plants cannot, they are heavily selected for in lawn communities!

  • [-]
  • ataraxic89
  • 116 Points
  • 19:53:56, 18 July

Also they are entirely edible and actually taste pretty good when roasted for about 5-10 seconds over open fire. Or boiled, but that loses more nutrients.

Glad to see you were already here, was going to call for you if not.

  • [-]
  • Unidan
  • 127 Points
  • 20:00:02, 18 July

Or just fresh as dandelion greens!

I'm also a big fan of lambs quarters (Chenopodium berlandieri), which you can find in people's lawns, too!

  • [-]
  • AhanDahdia
  • 40 Points
  • 20:29:42, 18 July

My fiancee is an ethnobotonist and she had me eating lambsquarter and dandelion green salads all spring. We have wild onions (alllium textile) growing all over too, which went great with the greens.

  • [-]
  • AintGotNaLegsLtDAN
  • 26 Points
  • 20:21:14, 18 July

My brother makes wine from dandelions!

  • [-]
  • tiyx
  • 36 Points
  • 21:45:27, 18 July

I do as well, but this can be misleading to people. Dandelion wine is just white wine that is flavored with the flowers of the dandelion plant.

  • [-]
  • JuryDutySummons
  • 3 Points
  • 22:44:48, 18 July

I wonder if making true Dandelion wine would be possible. As long as there's sugar, I guess. :)

  • [-]
  • tiyx
  • 5 Points
  • 22:50:18, 18 July

I would imagine you would have to make it more like beer and steep the Dandelion to extract the sugars.

  • [-]
  • sprankton
  • 6 Points
  • 00:40:31, 19 July

There is no sugar in dandelion flowers, but you can brew wine with just the flowers, sugar, water, yeast, and nutrient. It's said to be rather bland.

  • [-]
  • SuckKut
  • 39 Points
  • 20:38:26, 18 July

"What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets. But enough talk. Have at you!"

  • Dracula
  • [-]
  • marilyn_morose
  • 76 Points
  • 20:14:24, 18 July

I'm going to start a "Unidan Drinking Game!"

Take one shot whenever someone does the /unidan /unidan /unidan beetlejuice thing and two shots when Unidan shows up and says, "Biologist here!"

Anyone in?

  • [-]
  • Hereibe
  • 55 Points
  • 21:59:05, 18 July

This is how I die of liver failure. I'm in.

  • [-]
  • Unidan
  • 15 Points
  • 00:06:50, 19 July

Biologist here!

You need a liver to live!

  • [-]
  • vaelon
  • 34 Points
  • 20:02:53, 18 July

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblrm7p7ut5ptW1qcgdrdo1500.jpg

  • [-]
  • silverkir
  • 1391 Points
  • 18:43:14, 18 July

I think my favorite thing about your comments is how you start off with "Biologist here!"

the exclamation mark, but not all caps makes me think of a very rational and calm billy mays

  • [-]
  • glych
  • 942 Points
  • 19:43:06, 18 July

But wait! There's lore!

  • [-]
  • [deleted]
  • 366 Points
  • 21:20:37, 18 July

[deleted]

  • [-]
  • DoubleTrump
  • 29 Points
  • 23:26:34, 18 July

I like that you went to the effort of pulling up a picture of Lore specifically.

  • [-]
  • sellyberry
  • 102 Points
  • 21:23:49, 18 July

I understand your link, it's funny for many reasons :)

  • [-]
  • Thexpancake
  • 68 Points
  • 22:35:48, 18 July

I don't :(

  • [-]
  • The_Doctor_00
  • 130 Points
  • 23:14:52, 18 July

On the television show Star Trek The Next Generation, the android character Data had an evil "twin brother", his name was Lore.

  • [-]
  • ablebodiedmango
  • 20 Points
  • 00:08:33, 19 July

If for nothing else I loved how it gave Brent Spiner a chance to show his range as an actor. That and playing his "father" Dr. Soongh

  • [-]
  • The_Doctor_00
  • 23 Points
  • 00:14:26, 19 July

Indeed, he also showed his range of vocal humour and comedy timing talents in the episode A Fistful of Datas, playing all the western holographic characters.

And for random trivia on that, it's one of Patrick Stewart's favourite episodes, mainly because he thrilled at getting to direct a "western", though he got a terrible sun burn whilst doing it. (Heh... Don't mind me, I'm a bit of a nerd when it comes to sci-fi trivia)

  • [-]
  • zrvwls
  • 33 Points
  • 22:40:56, 18 July

At least you can use contractions, and can feel, broseph :)

  • [-]
  • PotatoAssassin
  • 6 Points
  • 22:51:17, 18 July

Lore can though!

  • [-]
  • supernasty
  • 91 Points
  • 22:19:44, 18 July

Redditor here!

That crack looks like a vagina

  • [-]
  • LovingWar
  • 232 Points
  • 20:35:10, 18 July

I like how s/he starts off with "Biologist here" as if most people on reddit don't already know of the legendary /u/Unidan. (If you do not indeed know of /u/Unidan go have a quick read of the posts made, it's fascinating!)

Edit: she/he I don't care, they give awesome info.

  • [-]
  • daffygoose
  • 58 Points
  • 20:45:51, 18 July

"I like how he starts off with "Biologist here" as if most people on reddit don't already know of the legendary /u/Unidan. "

I thought Unidan is a "she"

  • [-]
  • Fordrake
  • 34 Points
  • 23:39:53, 18 July

He's a guy in his late twenties

  • [-]
  • Shad0wman9
  • 4 Points
  • 00:45:11, 19 July

I've got /u/Unidan tagged as Excited Biologist. Anytime I see that tag my eyes light up in anticipation for new knowledge.

  • [-]
  • anonymousalex
  • 55 Points
  • 21:45:19, 18 July

I've had /u/Unidan RES tagged as "Biologist here!" for a while now.

  • [-]
  • Mr_Nukka
  • 109 Points
  • 20:33:42, 18 July

Will... will you marry me /u/Unidan

  • [-]
  • Unidan
  • 290 Points
  • 20:35:58, 18 July

Fine.

  • [-]
  • Mr_Nukka
  • 77 Points
  • 20:37:16, 18 July

I can feel the enthusiasm! :)

  • [-]
  • Vrexin
  • 11 Points
  • 23:56:42, 18 July

The marriage went okay.

  • [-]
  • APocketTurtle
  • 97 Points
  • 21:27:45, 18 July

U-Unidan-senpai said y-yes!

  • [-]
  • Pabrunthhu
  • 38 Points
  • 23:08:55, 18 July

Hauu~

blushu blushu

  • [-]
  • heroinking
  • 18 Points
  • 22:45:47, 18 July

How many reddit proposals is this now?

  • [-]
  • ShanePerkins
  • 19 Points
  • 23:03:22, 18 July

614 and counting

  • [-]
  • Cobradactyl
  • 10 Points
  • 22:51:16, 18 July

Wait. Are you actually married though? Because if so, your spouse is luuuuckkkyy.

  • [-]
  • Unidan
  • 22 Points
  • 22:51:57, 18 July

Haha, no, I'm not married.

  • [-]
  • Cobradactyl
  • 6 Points
  • 22:53:31, 18 July

WHAT!? But you're, like, the coolest cat on Reddit!? Somebody get in here and marry Unidan!

  • [-]
  • IsawIcame_Icleanedup
  • 10 Points
  • 22:57:39, 18 July

well, if I must.

  • [-]
  • Senyin
  • 130 Points
  • 18:45:46, 18 July

I love this guy. Thankyou for all the information. I will defiantly let my bf know about this so we can decide if we should go ahead and let the guy cut it down or not. ONLY thing we are really worried about is its leaning over our carport with a crack down the middle, and if it breaks it will fall and destroy our car and carport.

EDIT: Ok! I get it, he is not a he, he is a lovely lady. I still love her for helping me.

  • [-]
  • Unidan
  • 274 Points
  • 19:04:24, 18 July

I would probably cut it down, especially if it's close to anything important, to be honest!

This is a chance occurrence, but this stuff happens all the time. Lots of neighborhoods will plant things like Silver maples (Acer saccharinum) which provide lots of shade and grow very quickly when a new development goes up, but that comes at a price: quick growth usually means flimsy growth!

Those trees will grow very nicely for twenty years or so, and then promptly fall over or crack open lots of sidewalk. They're usually shallow-rooted (as they naturally grow in floodplain areas), so they just topple right over in some cases! There's actually a ridiculous amount of planning that can go into selecting "good" trees for a neighborhood.

I've been tangentially involved in a shade tree commission for my city, and I'm on the board for my university's environmental committee, so we're usually the ones that change the tree species compositions when planners come up with dumb ideas that aren't biologically sound! They sound good on paper, but knowing the ecology and life-histories of some of these plants can lead to better planning in the long run!

  • [-]
  • Ponicrat
  • 55 Points
  • 19:59:37, 18 July

Can you tell us what idiot thought it was a good idea to plant so many trees that drop thousands of spiky seed balls all over the Philadelphia region?

  • [-]
  • Unidan
  • 95 Points
  • 20:06:40, 18 July

I'm going to make a guess and say you're probably talking about the sweet gum (Liquidambar styraciflua)?

  • [-]
  • clearliquidclearjar
  • 35 Points
  • 20:49:53, 18 July

I hate sweet gum trees so much. SO DAMN MUCH. That's all, I just had to express my hatred.

  • [-]
  • pinkmeanie
  • 4 Points
  • 23:52:48, 18 July

They have ridiculously gorgeous fall foliage; and they're native. What's not to like?

  • [-]
  • Ponicrat
  • 18 Points
  • 20:59:22, 18 July

Yep. Darn things are planted everywhere around here, you have to rake up the pods like leaves and they're rather an eyesore in the winter. I guess they grow vertically awfully fast, most of them are much taller and thinner than all the other trees around. I've always thought some planner just thought we needed trees fast with no regard for aesthetics or just how much of a nuisance they can be.

  • [-]
  • Membery
  • 6 Points
  • 21:04:05, 18 July

My dad says that a while back there was a scam on those trees. Tons were sold under the premise that they were modified to be non-seed bearing. I too had a Spiky-ball tree. I seriously filled 6 giant yard bags every year with those bastards.

  • [-]
  • Derylmonkey
  • 4 Points
  • 22:46:36, 18 July

My parents had one of those trees when I was a kid. They would pay me a penny for each of those balls I picked up. A couple hours work would earn me 3 Pokemon boosters packs!

  • [-]
  • Fugitivelama
  • 6 Points
  • 23:54:23, 18 July

Who did they pay to count them?

  • [-]
  • Senyin
  • 99 Points
  • 19:30:57, 18 July

Yeah now that you mention it, it does have extremely shallow roots that are sticking up everywhere. We will be getting it removed. Thank you for the help Unidan!

  • [-]
  • sydmalicious
  • 45 Points
  • 22:04:38, 18 July

Another biologist here.

Once you have cut it down you are probably going to need to treat it with an herbicide. The fact that your shrub is growing mini-shrubs all around it indicates that it sprouts clonally from its root system, meaning that any part of the plant with a viable meristem (any branch point and most root tips) has the potential to keep growing. You can get herbicides in paint form. Simply cut everything down and paint all the exposed live wood with the herbicide. You may have to do this several times as some of the new shoots may not be visible or viable yet.

  • [-]
  • Unidan
  • 107 Points
  • 19:51:06, 18 July

No problem, even if this isn't the tree I think it is, all the effects seem to be similar!

Good luck!

  • [-]
  • Mr-Mister
  • 19 Points
  • 21:53:15, 18 July

Don't forget to send the tree to Unidan then!

  • [-]
  • Allwhether
  • 25 Points
  • 19:05:29, 18 July

No need to be defiant about it, but yeah cut it down and plant a tree that is native to your area. Most utility companies and towns/cities have tree plans or could recommend a good tree species for your area.

Or plant an apple tree or something may as well get some local organic food out of your yard.

  • [-]
  • Danzerello
  • 40 Points
  • 19:05:39, 18 July

>I will defiantly let my bf know about this

You go, girl!

  • [-]
  • MetalChick
  • 7 Points
  • 23:57:58, 18 July

No, Unidan is a man. I don't know where someone got the idea he is a female but from the man's own fingers he typed he's a male. :)

  • [-]
  • sterlingsilver6
  • 108 Points
  • 18:19:48, 18 July

you're so awesome, unidan

  • [-]
  • Unidan
  • 271 Points
  • 19:08:46, 18 July

Aw, thanks! :D

  • [-]
  • sterlingsilver6
  • 50 Points
  • 19:13:04, 18 July

Alison brie is something else, huh?

  • [-]
  • fiftyseven
  • 89 Points
  • 20:01:00, 18 July

I read this as "Also, brie is something else, huh?", and thought you'd just randomly struck up a conversation about cheese

  • [-]
  • Unidan
  • 142 Points
  • 20:02:11, 18 July

If you haven't had brie with some nice granny smith apple slices, maybe some candied walnuts and fig pieces, you're missing out!

  • [-]
  • Jiveturtle
  • 56 Points
  • 21:29:43, 18 July

If you've had alison brie with granny smith apples, candied walnuts, and fig pieces, I'm really missing out.

  • [-]
  • mabvs
  • 17 Points
  • 20:49:16, 18 July

/r/cheese

Great sub

  • [-]
  • AmyAkaSpentGladiator
  • 22 Points
  • 21:07:31, 18 July

Unidan watches community? We need to become best friend right now.

  • [-]
  • Unidan
  • 118 Points
  • 21:07:58, 18 July

I've performed comedy with Donald Glover twice!

  • [-]
  • _your_face
  • 45 Points
  • 21:21:18, 18 July

O_O explain yo self!

  • [-]
  • Unidan
  • 103 Points
  • 21:43:25, 18 July

I was in an improv group in college, we performed with Derrick Comedy twice at two events. They were at the UCB Chelsea theatre a lot before going to LA!

I actually thought he was sort of a dick, we offered to take him, Dominick and DC out to dinner and while DC and Dominick were totally down, Donald refused and said he'd rather get McDonalds and eat in the green room, which was a huge bummer.

  • [-]
  • _your_face
  • 17 Points
  • 21:53:25, 18 July

He actually seeeeems just like you describe

  • [-]
  • StrawberryJamal
  • 8 Points
  • 23:58:25, 18 July

So, can we just go ahead and crown Unidan king of reddit?

Edit: Queen, apparently Unidan is a girl.

  • [-]
  • AmyAkaSpentGladiator
  • 15 Points
  • 21:12:02, 18 July

Wait seriously? I want to believe this so bad.

  • [-]
  • Unidan
  • 62 Points
  • 21:12:17, 18 July

http://i.imgur.com/oKoF1Zf.jpg

That's with Derrick Comedy, with Meggie and Dan who direct/write.

  • [-]
  • Simonzi
  • 30 Points
  • 21:37:09, 18 July

Which one is you?

  • [-]
  • grubbes
  • 24 Points
  • 22:25:10, 18 July

The attractive one.

  • [-]
  • Canna_bus
  • 8 Points
  • 22:45:46, 18 July

I'm kind of hoping the guy T-rexing in the background.

Proof he's a biologist, knows how dinosaurs move and shit.

  • [-]
  • AmyAkaSpentGladiator
  • 19 Points
  • 21:18:12, 18 July

You are my hero right now. No wait. My spirit animal.

  • [-]
  • Unidan
  • 79 Points
  • 21:19:00, 18 July

I love the idea of just having a human be your spirit animal.

  • [-]
  • OrnateFreak
  • 22 Points
  • 19:42:31, 18 July

Looks like she's saying "Fuck!"...

  • [-]
  • rwhite0604
  • 16 Points
  • 20:06:09, 18 July

I know this comes from years of watching the porn. I just know it. :)

  • [-]
  • mrcleatus
  • 16 Points
  • 18:28:42, 18 July

It means one Dan!

  • [-]
  • PaperPhoneBox
  • 16 Points
  • 18:31:42, 18 July

not to be confused with a Mono-dan.

  • [-]
  • mrcleatus
  • 34 Points
  • 18:32:46, 18 July

Who has no energy and keeps trying to kiss people.

  • [-]
  • Sluisifer
  • 34 Points
  • 19:50:50, 18 July

Former forester here (for a summer =P)

This is definitely not an Ailanthus.

You can see the fruits in the sixth image. Overall it looks somewhat similar to Ailanthus, but they produce samaras and never nuts.

I'm not sure what it is. It could be some sort of Juglans (aka Walnut), but most have more opposite leaves, not alternate. Hard to say.


Edit: Okay, walnuts are actually alternate leaved, though lots of times appear opposite. I'm reasonably confident that it's some sort of Walnut. The bark is right for a tree of that age, and the fruits look very much like walnuts.

  • [-]
  • Unidan
  • 34 Points
  • 20:43:42, 18 July

Of the walnuts, the closest would be a California walnut (Juglans regia), based on the bark; however, the leaves are compound, which the ones in OPs photo are not, so that rules out this whole genus, too!

  • [-]
  • justanotherbrunette
  • 48 Points
  • 19:55:02, 18 July

I no longer see the point in the "Biologist here!" We know you better than the NSA does.

  • [-]
  • Unidan
  • 157 Points
  • 19:58:56, 18 July

I feel like the NSA must get pranked pretty hard by listening to any of my conversations.

On Monday, I met a guy through a friend who works preparing human cadavers for medical display and educational tools. The group of us were doing a museum preparation on a few birds and some of the conversational snippets were definitely suspicious out of context:

"Human skin is so hard to remove."

"Cutting through human fat is the worst, plus, there's just so much of it to dispose of."

"I get paid per body part. My last check had a few heads, arms and legs on it, so things can literally cost me 'an arm and a leg.'"

"Can you get me a few rolls of paper towels? We need to clean this blood up before we leave."

"Oops, sorry, I didn't save the tongue, I threw it out."

  • [-]
  • iGilmer
  • 90 Points
  • 20:18:29, 18 July

> "Cutting through human fat is the worst, plus, there's just so much of it to adipose of."

hue

  • [-]
  • Unidan
  • 73 Points
  • 20:38:31, 18 July

http://i.imgur.com/HhVBd6t.gif

  • [-]
  • Sagragoth
  • 13 Points
  • 20:50:59, 18 July

IS IT THE SHOES

  • [-]
  • lonelynights
  • 24 Points
  • 20:14:11, 18 July

>"Human skin is so hard to remove."

It really depends on where it is. Skin on the fingers, toes and face is glued on pretty tight. I personally had some difficulty with the back as well. But the limbs you just have to get the right technique down and it separates very easily.

Of course, that does leave a lot of fat there to remove if you want to see any of the structures underneath

Source: Med student who has finished with anatomy.

  • [-]
  • Unidan
  • 40 Points
  • 20:32:52, 18 July

This was in comparison to other animals. Like a rattlesnake, for example, you can literally peel them! Or birds, the fat is more diffuse, and much less clumpy.

  • [-]
  • Odd-One-Out
  • 20 Points
  • 20:03:20, 18 July

A real life /r/nocontext

  • [-]
  • WallySock
  • 23 Points
  • 21:14:10, 18 July

Looks like a Hackberry tree to me. They grow pretty huge and they drop sticky sap on your car if you park under them.

  • [-]
  • Unidan
  • 31 Points
  • 21:16:05, 18 July

I don't think so, ~~the fruits~~ and bark are completely wrong, unfortunately!

EDIT: New information! Fruits identified in the photo seem to be galls on the tree after OP showed new pictures! Could very well be! Unhealthy tree may make for smooth bark.

  • [-]
  • willyleaks
  • 3 Points
  • 19:51:12, 18 July

The simple definition of a weed tends to be a plant that is more successful than the plants you favour.

  • [-]
  • microcrossbulb
  • 3 Points
  • 21:04:41, 18 July

I'm no biologist, so I'm going to ask you this. Even if it is a 'weed' what would make it not also a tree? Isn't weed just a term for a type of plant that is undesirable?

  • [-]
  • Unidan
  • 15 Points
  • 21:07:01, 18 July

Haha, you should read what I wrote!

>Anyway, more importantly, there's no such thing as a strict definition for "a weed." A weed is simply a plant growing in a place a human doesn't want. It's a completely artificial human construct! For example, what is it about dandelions that makes them a weed? They just do what they do. Typically, we say weeds are fast-growing plants that spread easily in a human landscape, but a tree can still fit that definition!

  • [-]
  • CakeBandit
  • 6 Points
  • 21:16:34, 18 July

Do you have a video camera? You should do some recordings and start a biology show based on the questions average people post about plants to reddit.