Drama is all over this /r/TwoX post about a husband finding his wife's (OP) sex tape from her relationship with a more well-endowed ex. The wife later told her husband that they had good sex, but he wasn't the best. All of her comments are downvoted. (np.reddit.com)
SubredditDrama
27 ups - 0 downs = 27 votes
101 comments submitted at 21:13:15 on Nov 19, 2014 by potato1
>I don't care if I'm the best at sex or even good at it - I care what my wife thinks of me. If I'm less than her best, that would be really irritating.
Riiiiight. And the fact that she still married you means fuck all, right?
> the fact that she still married you means fuck all, right?
Are you kidding me?
What the fuck does that have to do with anything?
He didn't say anything about why she married him, in fact that has nothing to do with what he's saying. This kind of bullshit is the most infuriating thing ever.
This is reframing to guilt a person for feeling (hypothetically) upset about being compared as less of a X to another person.
If a woman says her ex fucked her better it's going to be upsetting, how do you not get that?
EDIT: It's clearly jealousy but I'm not sure how saying "yeah but you married me" is going to make the jealousy hurt any less.
>If a woman says her ex fucked her better it's going to be upsetting, how do you not get that?
Because it's not to everyone. Or they aside from momentary jealousy just don't worry about it. There are more important things.
I know I'm not the best my wife has been with, but she's still with me anyway. The other guys don't have her around anymore. I think I got the better end of the deal.
Ok, so that's you. Congrats?
What's that have to do with the quoted guy's feelings?
He obviously doesn't think that "winning the war" doesn't mean that "losing battles" doesn't hurt.
Because in the end hats what he has to decide.
Either she's important and he can realize she still wants him more than the other people from the past and try to get past the momentary jealousy. Or he can stew in it and lose out on both being the best in bed and his marriage.
In any case, that comment was in reply to the "how do you not get that". Because some people don't see it that way.
It's not, "not getting it". I get jealousy. I've almost lost relationships over jealousy from similar circumstances. We aren't saying "you're wrong to have jealousy". It's just how you deal with it that matters. And sometimes when all your thinking is "man, she's had so much better sex I'm a failure, why can't I be like that" you forget "it doesn't matter. There's more to marriage and more she likes in me to put up with all the stresses for".
Its a little more then just jealousy, this is something ingrained into you by society that to be a real man you have to be the best ever at sex. It becomes part of your identity is not as simple as "oh well".
Totally agree. How he feels is pretty damn understandable. Like I said I've been in a similar (kinda) circumstance myself and yeah, jealousy and insecurity reared its head pretty well.
A lot of people aren't able to shrug it off in the moment. Hell I advocate it (and have done it) but it's still not easy when it pops up. I completely agree.
The only problem is what else can he do if he wants to save the relationship. She can't do anything, he can't erase the past or erase the video from his mind. It might be hard and it might suck, but it really is stew in jealousy (which would make both their lives suck) or ask her to work with him and give him some time to get past it.
I don't mean to sound like I'm discounting his feeling on it though. I completely understand where he's coming from.
Edit: r
Clearly as the top post in TwoX said, some therapy might be needed.
Quite possibly. That or time if he's the kind to be able to move past things on his own.
I feel for both of them. That's a shit situation.
It just goes to show that for a stable relationship....LIE just lie, make a web of lies, we live in the future, you can get google glass with a spread sheet to keep track of all that shit, LIE!
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> Because in the end hats what he has to decide.
I haven't a single time said anything about "in the end". IN FACT multiple times I've said things like "it's not divorceworthy" and I've even stated it has nothing to do with the marriage in specific which is why I ranted about the marriage comment in the FIRST PLACE
For fucks sake people I'm just saying it's reasonable for him to be annoyed or upset for a while REGARDLESS OF THEIR MARRIAGE
Sure. I agree it's reasonable to do so.
I just said at some point he's going to have to not be jealous. That point isn't going to be today. Or probably next month.
Again, I just meant that some people don't care or have learned to see past it and that's why they don't react. Not because they "don't get it".
Again, I totally 100% agree with you.
I wasn't saying anything at all that disagreed with what you had to say from the start but you were arguing with something I wasn't saying, which is what I have been stating again and again and again
Probably, I think we might have been reading that comment I quoted differently. I didn't mean to argue that it's not ridiculous to tell people they shouldn't be jealous.
It happens, whatever the case. I feel bad for all involved over there. That's a mess.
>What the fuck does that have to do with anything?
Marriage is about more than sex? If you're only with your SO because they are the best you've had in the sack, I really feel sorry for you.
You find a bunch of sex videos on your SO's laptop and they tell you you weren't the best sex you ever had do you think you'll just shrug that off or start thinking, "did they keep the tapes because I can't satisfy them and they were turning to the tapes" and a bunch of other fucked up shit like that. She needs to sit him down and have a proper talk about the tapes and why she kept them and their sex life together. Perfectly understandable as to why someone would be worried about that with their partner.
Wow taking what I said out of context and making it the entire context! Two posts in a row doing exactly that!
Marriage is about more than sex, I agree.
Holy fuck how do you people not understand that an ego bruising is an ego bruising?
I'm not saying it's divorce worthy but I'd get upset and go cry in a pillow and be annoyed about it for a while.
> If a woman says her ex fucked her better it's going to be upsetting, how do you not get that?
Being an adult helps.
Ah, I get it, adults don't have emotions like jealousy.
Love how you get to frame who is and isn't an "adult" to people who would act exactly how you want them to.
Perhaps you were looking for "mature", but no one is perfect and sex is a very touchy subject. I felt a lot of empathy with the situation which you obviously didn't because it's very obvious you're a woman, so it's of course going to be harder to see from the opposite side.
> I felt a lot of empathy with the situation which you obviously didn't because it's very obvious you're a woman
how is it very obvious?
Hey, I don't know if you know this, but sex also makes a lot of women insecure, too. Like, a lot of women.
Yes, exactly, which is why I'm not sure why everyone is making this about "men and their penises".
In fact that makes me even more in disbelief how ANYONE could go
>I don't care if I'm the best at sex or even good at it - I care what my wife thinks of me. If I'm less than her best, that would be really irritating.
And go "What about your marriiiiaaaage"
"I care what my wife thinks of me" is, I think, what he was focusing on. Marriage is about a lot more than sex. Obviously the sex is good enough if you're married, and even if you're not the "best" sexual partner other qualities about you make you "the best" husband and person-she's-willing-to-waste-the-rest-of-her-life-on, even knowing that that's the sex she's going to be having until the day she dies. Divorce aside.
I see where you're coming from and I understand why we're having this disagreement now.
You're focusing on "I care what my wife thinks of me"
We're crossing wires a bit. I know sex isn't the be all end all, and that a healthy relationship would require more than just that, and that in a healthy relationship you might not be their best or even a great lover in comparison. I completely and totally agree.
I seem to be more caught up in arguing semantics on
>If I'm less than her best, that would be really irritating.
being dismissed simply because they're married. Obviously it's not the most important thing as I've just agreed. That doesn't mean it wouldn't hurtful/upsetting/ego bruising/irritating to hear that you weren't the best.
Understand where I'm coming from now?
Totally, I don't begrudge anyone for being upset in that situation. My only issue with the comments in that thread were that they seemed to be laying the blame on her for how he feels about it. It's neither of their faults if she's had experiences that she's enjoyed more, but ultimately his insecurities about it and how he reacts to them are his own responsibility. Now lying to him for years, knowing how he felt about it, is a horse if a different color.
Edit: I should actually be saying "their", not "his". They've projected so thoroughly that even I'm confused about who's upset about what. I think it's probably more reasonable to assume that he's upset at having seen her being fucked by another man. Because come on.
I love it when something starts as a ridiculous argument/disagreement and we realize we mostly agreed all along.
>blame on her for how he feels about it.
Ehhh I don't think there's really a possible way to put it that wouldn't have hurt him but the way she put it sure wasn't it. Sure is silly how they're clinging to that rather than the rest of the stuff definitely.
> his insecurities about it and how he reacts to them are his own responsibility.
this would totally not fly in TwoX if we were talking about women's insecurities.
>Being mature helps.
FTFY
Edit: LMFAO. Yep, totes a woman. Love how you get to frame who is and isn't a man because not every man's sense of confidence is tied to their sexual prowess.
Yes I literally wrote that. Thanks. Why don't you go tell other people that they're children for having emotions that you disagree with instead of repeating me
Edit to your edit:Yes that's exactly what I said. It's totally not how you're writing, it's just because I'm clearly saying PENIS MUST BE BEST AND IF YOU NO THINK SO YOU NO HAVE PENIS
Edit2: Someone responded and deleted and I figure i'd just write this here now instead:
>Y'all are, like, really bizarrely angry about this. It's weird.
Angry? Eh maybe a bit
Emotional? Yeah. I already stated that I hate when people not only reframe what someone said out of context ignoring the context. I know people who do that and it annoys the fuck out of me.
But I also have empathy about the situation and am for some reason arguing as if it's defending myself saying that quote, because I can understand where it's coming from.
"If I'm less than her best that would be really irritating". That sounds like the perfect basis for an honest conversation about the sex proficiency of the previous partners of your SO. I can't see how being honest could possibly backfire on anyone here.
I also wonder if he only thinks this way about sex, or that it also counts for other things. "If her ex was able to make better pancakes than me then that would be really irritating."
I think sex is a special case, but if, say, your car broke down and you called AAA and later your wife said "oh, my ex would've been able to fix it himself" it would be irritating.
Sure it is irritating, being compared in a negative way to other people almost always is. But when it comes to the point that you don't believe her when she says that she'd prefer to be in the car with you, then the issue lies more with you (or the relationship itself) than with her.
> I also wonder if he only thinks this way about sex, or that it also counts for other things. "If her ex was able to make better pancakes than me then that would be really irritating."
If I found out my girlfriend's ex was better at pancakes than me, I'd crepe my pants I fuckin swear
I actually was irritated when my SO told me his ex was more "domestic" than I am. Irrational response, I think it was normal, but, you know, I just learned to make some basic food stuff and separate the laundry. Now it's okay, I'm better for it, and I don't project that onto everyone else's relationships. Self improvement, yo.
It's just petty jealousy. Which is understandable and hard to get rid of.
But your right. Regardless of what else she picked him to marry. So there's something about him she likes.
I admit. Sometimes it's hard to see that in the moment. But hopefully he doesn't screw stuff up because of it.